Words of Wisdom

Parts 1, 2, and 3 were previously posted today.

Anderson: Bill and Hillary Clinton are standing in the ring, raising their fists in victory and in a taunt at the other candidates left lying about. Is there anybody left to stand up to the Clintons?

Suddenly gunshots ring out and everyone instinctively ducks, frightened at the possibility of an attack. Then, with a strut reeking of misplaced machismo, President Bush steps into the aisle, still clad in his red, white, and blue cowboy oufit. “I can’t let no Clintons win this one.”

Bill looks at Hillary and smiles, “I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.”

Bush breaks into a run down the aisle, intent on sliding beneath the ropes and letting his archenemies have it, but, with a characteristic clumsiness, he trips over his own feet and lands face-first on the ground.

Blitzer: Wow, now that’s embarassing…

After a few moments, he raises his head and realizes the Clintons have come down to him and are laughing at him – making fun of him. Grabbing the back of Bush’s pants, Bill lifts him off the ground in a painful wedgie and Hillary pushes his hat down over his eyes. Together, they toss him to the side and leave him in a humiliated heap on the floor.

Anderson: Can anyone stop the Clinton machine? They are making a mockery of everyone.

Then, with no warning, over the speaker system the song “American Hero” (Hulk Hogan’s old theme song) blares out and the crowd looks about in questioning wonder.

Blitzer: Who’s left, Anderson? Who could it be?

Then, from far in the back of the crowd, an old crotchety voice calls out, “I’ll teach you Clintons a thing or two!”

John McCain, in full military attire and walking heavily on a cane approaches the ring. “You won’t get away with this!” He slowly climbs through the ropes and points his heavy wooden cane at the two of them. “I’ll take you both myself!”

McCain suddenly springs at Bill Clinton knocking him flat on his back and placing himself square on top of him.

Anderson: McCain has Clinton down! But, wait…Hillary has his cane and is coming up fast”

Hillary raises the heavy cane over her head and begins to swing it down in a devastating blow, when suddenly a hand reaches up and grabs it from her grasp, pushing her to the ground alongside her husband and John McCain (who couldn’t get back up if he wanted to). A bloody, beaten Barack Obama stares down at them and grins.

“You thought you had me beaten, didn’t you Hillary? You thought I wouldn’t get up again, didn’t you Bill? Well, I’m back to reclaim what rightly belongs to my people!”

“Your people,” answered Bill, “but I’m the first black president.”

“No, I am not talking about the color of my skin. Haven’t you read the emails sent around about me? I am a Muslim exremist. A terrorist. The greatest threat to America. Well, it is true and today my plan for world domination will reach it’s culmination when I destory you, all of you. Hahahahahaha! Allah Akbar!”

He pulls apart the buttons on his shirt, revealing a large bomb taped to his chest. “Today you will all die and I will receive my final reward!”

Anderson: Wow, Wolf. I have to say this is unexpected. Wolf? Wolf? Are you there?

Wolf Blitzer is gone, leaving his microphone lying on the floor where he once stood.

Anderson: Well, it’s been a pleasure reporting for you everyone.

Obama: Hahahahahaha! America will be mine!!

Just then another voice, one that had been unheard thusfar tonight called out, “Wait!”

The crowd, trampling each other in their mad dash to escape halted for just a moment and gazed to the ceiling, looking for the source of that voice.

“Stop, Barack. Let’s talk this over.” It was a friendly voice of monotonous tone like that of a 50’s B-movie robot.

“It is I, the savior of the earth Al Gore!” Suddenly the figure, dressed in a red and white superman costume, complete with cape, came into the sight of the swarming mass of people. His descent by a rope and pully system from the ceiling alternated clumsily between near free-fall and tooth-jarring midair stops, but he eventually arrived at the ground.

“Look Barack, you don’t want to do this.”

“But, Al, it is my destiny. As the widely spread email states, I am a Muslim extremist and there is no way to escape.”

“Listen, Barack, what purpose would it actually serve to destroy these people? Sure, you might get your name in the paper for a few weeks, but then you would vanish into obscurity along with the other suicide bombers.”

“But, but,it is in my misinterpretation of the Koran! I cannot deny it!”

“Look at this picture, Barack.” Gore pulls a worn polaroid from his pocket picturing two very young and cute polar bears gazing at the camera with a sad, wistful sort of look.

“These two polar bear cubs will soon lose their home if something is not done about global warming. The blast from those bombs attached to your abdomen alone will probably leave homeless an entire family of bears, and perhaps penguins, too. Look at them, Barack. Aren’t they cute and cuddly? Would you have them go through life without a mother and father? Without a place to call their home?”

Suddenly a tear came to Obama’s eye and, with a forlorn look at Gore, he threw his arms around him. “I am sorry, Al. Let us go together and save the world.” Around them, the other candidates had come to their senses and were rising to their feet. Soon Obama, the Clintons, Gore, Huckabee, Edwards, and McCain wrapped their arms around each other in a sincere group hug.

Nobody knows who started singing, but soon the entire room was filled with the chorus of, “We are the world.”

Thank you for saving the day yet again, Al Gore.