Throwback Thursday #10 April 1, 2010Posted by Matt in Throwback Thursday.
Tags: black jellybeans, conspiracy, easter, Easter bunny, racism
I think we can all agree that recycling is a good thing. With that in mind, many of us make a strong effort to do so with aluminum cans and paper and plastics. What better way is there for this blog to show its support of recycling than by reusing older blog entries from the past 4 years that some of you might have missed the first time around? Without further ado, welcome to our semi-regular feature: Throwback Thursday.
Originally posted 4/13/2009
Tonight I was sampling a few of my daughters’ jelly beans when a thought about the Easter holiday struck me like a lightning bolt. Now, this thought didn’t revolve around the resurrection of Jesus or magical bunnies or baskets or pastel-colored eggs, no this was something much more distressing, something even more disturbing than giant-sized Easter bunny costumes. I think I’ve discovered the problem with this so-called holiday!
Yes, that’s right. Easter ranks right up there with that jolly old white man breaking into people’s houses to “leave presents” but somehow never getting caught by the police and with kids in ghost costumes that make them conspicuously look as though they just left an elementary school Klan rally. But I’m here to tell you brothers and sisters that Easter may be just as bad.
So, you ask, what could possibly be wrong with Easter? Why, this is a time for remembering that glorious resurrection of Jesus. It is a time for family and good will as we usher in the rebirth of spring. Yet, amid the happiness there is something far more sinister lurking.
Evidence? You need some proof of the evil racism hiding behind the façade of pink and blue eggs? Okay, try this.
Does anybody actually like black jellybeans? No, of course not! They’re disgusting. Now, some might look at this predicament and say that perhaps it is only a coincidence that the black jellybeans are the only ones that are inedible. They say that maybe it is just by chance that, among delectable candies of yellow and orange and red and blue and purple and even white, the black treats lay like disgusting little licorice-flavored turds, but we all know that this is not just some haphazard fall of the cards! We know that this measure has been carefully calculated by The Man! It is a conspiracy, I tell you! The government! The government is in on this, Believe Me!
Come to think of it, have you ever seen a black Easter bunny? NO! Every time they are lily white or maybe a little bit brown to appease the Hispanic kids, but never, ever black. It’s a conspiracy! A conspiracy, I say!
So, from now on, we at Words of Wisdom are calling for a boycott of all things Easter until those in power will give recognition to this calamity. Write letters to your Congressman, to your governor, to the president, to anybody and tell them that we demand equal representation! We demand black jellybeans no longer be some mysterious licorice flavor that coats your taste buds and puts a damper on all culinary delights for the rest of the day. From now on, we implore you to make them chocolate flavored or something else that is both scrumptious and befitting its color.
We will march the streets in Washington! We will carry signs and for your overt racial discrimination! We will burn stuffed white rabbits in effigy! We will haunt your every move until you correct this terrible wrong!
Or, at least until the Easter candy goes on sale again…