The Real World: 2012 Republican Edition, Pt. 3 June 7, 2011Posted by Matt in The Real World: Republican Edition.
Tags: bad history, Herman Cain, Republican presidential candidates, Sarah Palin, The Real World, Tim Pawlenty
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This is the true story … of eight presidential candidates … picked to live in a house … work together and have their lives taped … to find out what happens … when people stop being polite … and start being real … The Real World.
Scene changes to Tim Pawlenty. He’s slouched down in a chair with his sneakered feet propped up on a table and a Vikings hat on sideways.
Pawlenty (addressing the camera): Word, dog. T-Paw in da house! Yo, I kick back in my chair / just like I don’t care. / But I’m gonna get this nomination / when I lay down my domination.
Herman Cain walks in the room holding a box of pizza. He looks at Pawlenty, sighs, and shakes his head.
Pawlenty: Yo, my brotha, what’s up? C-note is ready to lay it down!
Cain: C-note? What?
Pawlenty: You know what’s up, homie. That’s you, man.
Cain (rolling his eyes): Want some pizza, T-Paw?
Pawlenty: Sure thing, C-note. I loves me some pizza.
Cain: By the way, have you seen my teabags? They disappeared again.
Pawlenty: I don’t know fo sho, man, but I seen that Sarah Palin walkin’ ‘round wit’ some earlier.
Cain: Palin? Again? Who does she think she is? She’s not even in the race yet but she keeps on stealin’ my tea! Where is she now?
Pawlenty: Man, doo, I ain’t sure, but she headed that way.
Cain: Thanks, T-Paw. Just keep the pizza.
Cain walks down the hall to an office where he finds Sarah Palin feverishly writing in a notebook while sipping a cup of tea.
Cain: So, Sarah, how’s it going?
Palin (looking very uncomfortable): Uh, pretty good, Herman. How are you?
Cain: Where’d you get the tea?
Palin: Um…uh….um…I think I was….um…freedom? Liberty?
Cain (with an exasperated sigh): Whatever. Next time just ask me. So, what are you working on?
Palin (her face suddenly lighting up with a big, beauty pageant smile): Oh, this is my latest book project and it will be my best yet. It’s a history textbook for patriotic, America-loving students. You know, nothing like what they learn in those lamestream public schools.
Cain: Heh Heh, I hear ya. So, what are you writing about now?
Palin: I’m telling the story of how George Washington led the D-Day invasion of Normandy.
Cain: Yes, go on.
Palin: Then he chased Adolph Hitler down into his secret headquarters and fought him to the death in a swordfight.
Cain: Really? Why don’t they mention THAT in history books?
Palin: I know! And you know what the craziest thing is? During the fight Hitler tells Washington that he’s actually his father! I bet nobody saw that coming!
Cain: Wow, Sarah, your astute observations of history never cease to amaze me.
Palin: Just wait, next I’m going to write about how Ben Franklin invented the airplane, the atomic bomb, and the internet, all of which he used to personally bomb Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Cain: That’s amazing. Want some pizza?
Just then Palin’s ringtone (a gunshot followed by God Bless America) rings out.
Palin (looking perplexed): A text from Anthony Wiener? Wonder what that could be?
The scene fades as she stares open-mouthed and wide-eyed at the phone.