A Christmas Carol, Part 2: The Day After December 13, 2011
Posted by Matt in A Christmas Carol Part 2.Tags: A Christmas Carol, Christmas, Conservatives, ghost, politics, Republicans, Ronald Reagan, Scrooge
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Chapter 1
Marley was still dead, of that Scrooge was quite sure. For though he had born witness to the apparition of his partner only the night before, he was convinced that Marley was most certainly dead as a door-nail.
Scrooge was now a changed man, as one who is reborn, for the spirits of two nights prior, that fateful Christmas Eve, had shown him the err of his ways, putting forth visions of Christmases past, present, and future, and it all started with the visitation from his now eternally cursed and most assuredly dead associate, Marley. He was now a kinder, gentler, and infinitely more joyful man, with intentions of sharing his bountiful riches with those less fortunate, to lift up the downtrodden, to work for the ever-elusive common good of humankind. Also, there was Tiny Tim, the young son of his employee Bob Cratchit, whose plight in life he vowed to right, to use his great wealth in every way possible to ease the disabled child’s life. It was now a personal mission, one that he foresaw would be a source of great joy to the family and to himself.
All the day of Christmas he had made merry with his nephew’s family, becoming in turn the joyful patriarch, the smiling, beloved Uncle Scrooge, discovering happiness in his drear life once again, changing his countenance to one of great joy and mirth. The following day he celebrated yet again, this time with the poor Cratchit’s, bestowing upon him an increased salary and blessing the family with the largest turkey to be found. Yes, he was a new man, one now endowed with a sense of giving and festiveness, of humor and love.
It was a dark night as Scrooge made his way home from the office, his now ever-present smile permeating the foggy blackness as a beacon of hope in the mournful atmosphere. He and Bob had laughed and joked throughout the day, creating an atmosphere of joy at work as never before. It was lighthearted and even fun, two words never before uttered in the firm of Scrooge and Marley.
Before that portentous Christmas Eve, there had been nothing odd about the knocker on the door, but on that particular night it had taken the form of Marley’s ghostly face staring into the night with its dead eyes. Thus, Scrooge was a bit more cautious than he had been before as he reached for the knob, keeping his eyes focused upon the knocker on the chance that it might happen to change yet again.
And as he watched, it did change, only this time the face was no longer his tortured partner, it was another familiar visage, a face well known by all.
“Reagan?”
Then, just as it had transformed the first time, it changed back, becoming nothing more than a knocker once again. Scrooge breathed deeply in the cold night air, and then opened the door to his quarters. Lighting a candle, he glanced furtively around the room, checking every dark corner for a ghostly presence, but saw nothing.
“Perhaps,” he said to himself, “it is truly something I ate, maybe this time it was really a bit of undigested beef.” For it was true that he had been eating quite merrily these last few days as if he were making up for Christmases past.
Suddenly the great bell, the one that harkened the approach of the spirits some two nights prior, began to ring, loudly sounding in the darkness, jarring Scrooge to his senses.
“Oh, spirit, oh, Marley, must you come and visit me yet again? I am a changed man, Marley! I will keep the spirit of Christmas alive!” he wailed into the night amid the pealing bells.
The cellar door again loudly flew open, just as it had two nights prior and Scrooge listened to the footfalls slowly climbing the stairs. Then, coming through the same heavy door, the ghost appeared before him as the dying flame leapt, as if to announce the ghostly presence.
Open-mouthed, Scrooge stared ahead, “President Reagan!”
“Yes, it is I, President Ronald Reagan.”
“Why have you chosen to visit me, Mr. President? Why do you trouble me? I am a changed man! I have seen the light! I am no longer a selfish miser, set to live my days alone and without joy. Spirit, I have changed!”
“Yes, Ebenezer Scrooge,” he thundered, shaking the house with his ferocity, “That is what I have been told and that is exactly why I am here.”
“But, but, Spirit, I don’t understand.”
“Silence,” he roared, “You have strayed from the Conservative path, Ebenezer Scrooge, and I have been sent to bring you back. Tonight you will be haunted,” the ghost audibly sighed if that sort of thing is possible for an apparition, “by three candidates for President.”
“Again?”
The Spirit continued on, unperturbed, “They will give you the other, more fair and balanced side of the story. Pay attention to them Ebenezer Scrooge and they will steer you back to the path of Conservatism!”
The ghost of Reagan turned and began to walk back into the cellar, but then his head seemingly perked up and swiveled around with a dead stare upon Scrooge. “Got any jelly beans?”
“Uh, no sir, Mr. President.”
“Dang. Farewell, Ebenezer!” He passed through the door again, a cold breeze rustling through the room and then all was silent and dark, just as before.
Wired Differently April 11, 2011
Posted by Matt in politics, science.Tags: Conservatives, liberals, neurological studies
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According to researchers at University College London, the brains of self-described liberals and conservatives actually work differently from each other.
Using MRI scan data, researchers discovered that Liberals have a larger anterior cingulate cortex, a part of the brain associated with understanding complexity. Conservatives have a larger amygdala, which is associated with fear and anxiety.
It’s interesting to think that someone’s political leanings may be based to a large extent on biology rather than on experience. What do you think?
“Liberal” Media Protest Comes to Southaven October 21, 2009
Posted by Matt in politics.Tags: Conservatives, DeSoto County, idiocy, Liberal Media Protest, Mississippi, Southaven
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In case you missed it (and judging from the crowd in this video, most of you did), we had our own Liberal Media Protest last week where I live, in Southaven, Mississippi. As a point of reference, DeSoto County went 68.8% for John McCain in 2008 and 72.3% for George Bush in 2004, so it is obvious that our suburban county is rife with liberal activity.
And as you can tell from the video, these 6 protesters are really riled up. Just take a listen.
Some people just have too much time on their hands…
Freedom and Consequences October 15, 2009
Posted by Matt in NFL, politics.Tags: capitalism, Conservatives, free market, NFL, politics, race, Rush Limbaugh, St. Louis Rams
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As I’m sure most if not all of you have seen, one of the more dominant news stories this week has revolved around Rush Limbaugh’s attempt to become a part owner of the St. Louis Rams NFL team. After a public outcry against his inclusion, the right-wing talk show host was dropped from the group seeking to buy the team, but the story was carried through several news cycles and prompted many on either side of the fence to speak out.
Something that may surprise you about this though, is that I, as someone who is very liberal politically and is a big football fan, am actually torn by this issue.
First of all, I’m bothered by the fact that, despite the fact that we live in a capitalist nation, many think that he should not be allowed to spend his personal money on this business enterprise. My initial thought is that this just seems un-American to block a citizen’s freedom in this manner. It may be true that he has regularly shown great contempt for those whose skin color is darker than his own and that the NFL is 2/3 African-American, but should that be a deciding factor in whether or not he is allowed to spend his finances freely? I have a hard time with those who say that he should not be permitted to use his personal money as he wishes.
On the other hand, Limbaugh seems to think that words (at least his words) do not have consequences. Rather than acknowledging that a reaction to his vitriol may be leading the opposition, he seems to be blaming it all on some liberal conspiracy to squelch conservative voices. This is despite the fact that most NFL owners are decidedly conservative and left-thinking people are not calling for their ousters.
Of course, the best solution to this current situation would have been for the purchasing group to have weighed the consequences and to have never included Limbaugh in the first place, which would have avoided this circus altogether.
In the end, this matter merely gives credence to Limbaugh and his followers, who lie awake at night fearing a liberal conspiracy to raise their taxes, take away their guns and force them into gay marriages. It raises his notoriety and bolsters his audience while Rush laughs all the way to the bank.
More Zombies October 7, 2009
Posted by Matt in politics.Tags: A.M. Radio, Barack Obama, Conservatives, politics, zombie movie
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Following on the heels of my blog post last week about zombies and the current proximity to Halloween, I came up with a great idea for a zombie movie. I’ll give you a rough outline of the plot so that you can let me know what you think.
The film opens with a scene at a construction job where the workers are taking a break for lunch. As a group of them sit at a picnic table eating their sandwiches, a fellow worker walks up. He is blankly staring off into space with his arms outstretched in front of him as he lurches forward.
“Ralph,” calls out one of the workers at the table, “What’s wrong, buddy? You don’t look to good.”
Ralph’s attention turns toward the man and he says in halting, broken words, “Marxists, bwaaaaaa!” He then leaps at the man, ripping at him with his teeth and spraying the ground with blood.
As Ralph attacks and kills all of the men at the table, the camera pans back to his truck, where an AM radio talk show can be heard playing over the car stereo.
As the plague spreads, it becomes clear that the source of the disease is the AM radio frequency, which someone has hijacked to emit a special sound wave that causes the brain to deteriorate and turns listeners into mindless automatons looking to wreck havoc on civilization as we know it, all the while repeating meaningless slogans and accusations that they themselves do not understand. Some of them even sob hysterically for no known reason other than the fact that their brain cells have been decimated.
But there is one man who stands against the zombie plague and brings together America to fight the powers that seek to destroy them and the ideals they hold dear – Barack Obama: Zombie Hunter. Though there are some of the creatures that are too far gone and must be destroyed, the majority of them can be cured by turning of the radio and reading a book.
What do you think? Is it a sure blockbuster?
The Elephant Stomps Back – Part 3 May 20, 2009
Posted by Matt in The Elephant Stomps Back.Tags: Conservatives, Contract For America, George W. Bush, humor, issues, Michael Steele, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, politics, Republicans, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin
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You can read parts 1 and 2 here.
Recap: Five Republican leaders have reformed the secret Conservatives Resisting All Principles group and are trying to put together a new Contract For America.
Gingrich: As we begin our quest for renewed power, we must first decide what our focus, as a party, should be. Governor Palin, we’ll begin with you.
Palin (smiling broadly): You betcha, Newty old boy. Abstinence is the key. Well, that and hunting from helicopters.
Romney: With all due respect, Governor Palin, you are a complete moron. The real focus should be on the business sector – lower taxes, lower taxes, lower taxes! And, of course, polygamy would be nice too.
Steele: Yo, yo, yo, Michael Steele in da house! Look man, we gotta get the sha-zizzle in the fun-izzle. Ya hear me?
Huckabee: Look, I never won any beauty pageants and I’m not some high-falutin’ governor from a God-forsaken state like Massachusetts and I’m not even a token black guy. No, I’m just a little ol’ Baptist preacher from Arkansas. I may not have an Ivy League education, but I do know this: When God created the world 6,000 years ago, there weren’t any science books. Do you know why? ‘Cause they’re from the devil!
Gingrich: Thank you, such, ummmm…diverse ideas. Let’s look at a few individual issues and see if we can come to some kind of consensus. How do you feel about taxes and frivolous government spending.
Romney: Well, as I have already made quite clear, I believe strongly in reducing taxes. Truthfully, I think we shouldn’t have to pay any taxes at all. Then the government will stop spending and all of our problems will be solved. Then I can retire to my heavily armed estate with my harem, you know, similar to the planet I will receive in the afterlife.
Steele: Fo’-sheezy.
Huckabee: Look, the only “taxes” we should pay as a Christian nation is our tithe to God. Then we can use that money to build bigger churches and creation science theme parks!
Palin: Gotcha, Huck! Amen to that. Ya know, as the governor of a state with more caribou per square mile than people, I often had to make difficult decisions regarding federal money. I mean, I said “Thanks, but no thanks,” when they offered funds for that “Bridge to Nowhere” before taking the money anyway.
Gingrich (furiously jotting down notes): What about in the area of social concerns like abortion, gay rights, etc.?
Romney: I was for it before I was against it before I was for it and against it and…wait, ummm….lower taxes for all!
Palin: You know, children are God’s most precious gifts to us, so I have made it my mission to have as many as possible. I mean, I had three more of my own last week! Regarding those infected with gayness, back in Wasilla we would feed ‘em to polar bears. You know, that way they wouldn’t infect the rest of us tryin’ populate the earth.
Steele: Fo’ sho’! Ka-zeezel da gazzizzles! Holla!
Huckabee: Stone them! Every one of them! Just like it says in the divinely inspired book of Leviticus we’ll kill the witches and wizards and the disobedient and the blasphemers and those who work on the Sabbath!
Suddenly, a rumbling quake tears through the room, causing all of the people in attendance to grip the table in fear, and a gigantic screen plasma television lowers onto the wall from somewhere above. The five companions stare in surprise and with a degree of terror as the television mysteriously turns on, first revealing only loud static but soon focusing itself on a single figure sitting before them – Rush Limbaugh.
Gingrich: Oh great Rushbo! I did not realize you were going to join us. What a…ummm…surprise!
Limbaugh: You disappoint me, all of you! For you all know that I am the sole leader of the Republican party! You must all bow to me!
Huckabee: Never!
Huckabee then pulls out a large cross-shaped sword similar to that of Emperor Constantine centuries ago and stabs it into the screen with a loud war cry. Sparks begin to fly, flames leap from the screen and the entire thing explodes into a giant mushroom cloud atop the mountain.
Then, following the destruction of the television, the sudden disruption in signal causes an immediate increase in radio waves that zap back at Rush, directly into his headphones, causing his already overly-large head to explode with a disgusting splat!
—–
The smoke clears and nothing is left of the secret Conservatives Resisting All Principles headquarters, nothing that is except for the paper upon which Newt Gingrich penned the new Contract for America, the ultimate manifesto of conservative values based on the input received at the abruptly-ended meeting. The paper itself is blown high into the sky where it is pulled this way and that by the shifting winds as it flies miles and miles high above the clouds before finally coming to a rest upon a piece of dusty, desert ground in Texas.
It just so happens that there is a man present in that deserted land when the paper lands. Clad in boots, complete with spurs, and an oversized cowboy hat, he is busying himself by clearing brush when the paper suddenly flutters down and lands at his booted feet. He picks it up and peers at it closely, turning it right side up and upside down, staring intently with a confused look on his face. He carries the paper over to his dirty pickup truck and digs in the glove box until his hand emerges with a prized box of crayons. Scribbling furiously, the man finally holds up the paper and smiles at the crudely drawn stickmen, one shooting the other with a crudely drawn gun.
“Heh heh heh heh…take that, Saddam.”
After folding the paper into the form of an airplane he launches it into the desert and then George W. Bush turns back to his work. So much brush to be cleared, so little time.
The Elephant Stomps Back – Part 2 May 19, 2009
Posted by Matt in The Elephant Stomps Back.Tags: Conservatives, Contract For America, humor, issues, Michael Steele, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republicans, Sarah Palin
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Gingrich: Brothers and sisters, you have been called together today in order to reform our super-secret society that is resurrected every time a Democrat is elected president, Conservatives Resisting All Principles. You are in friendly confines, so please remove your cloaks and greet your fellow conservatives.
One by one, the four guests removed their matching black cloaks, revealing their identities – Sarah Palin, Michael Steele, Mitt Romney, and Mike Huckabee. After shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries, the five figures took their seats.
Gingrich: Now, my fellow real Americans, you may remember some fifteen years ago, that terrible time when we suffered beneath the oppressive thumb of the man long thought to be the devil himself, Bill Clinton.
Everyone: Boo! Hiss!
Gingrich: By employing some evil Socialism-fueled black magic that most likely came from Muslim homosexuals, the devilish Democrats sought to control everything and turn us all into a bunch of baby-eating tree-hugging hippies!
Everyone: No! May it never be!
Gingrich: But, despite their great power and the malicious liberal media hell bent on exchanging the Bible for the New York Times, a small group of us came together and forged a partnership based on our divinely guided conservative principles. As a secret society we forged tablets of stone upon which the hand of God himself wrote the Contract for America. As one we took the country back, first in Congress and then, a few years later, in the Presidency. Times were good.
Everyone: Amen!
Gingrich: But today the threat we face is bigger than ever before. Again they have captured the government with the obvious goal of turning our once-great democracy for the people and by the people into an Islamo-fascist socialist communist homosexual baby-eating anti-gun overtaxed wasteland. They must be stopped!
Everyone: Amen!
Gingrich: So today we come together to forge another great Contract for America. As prominent members of the party, we must be the leaders that take us into tomorrow.
to be continued…
The Elephant Stomps Back – part 1 May 19, 2009
Posted by Matt in The Elephant Stomps Back.Tags: Conservatives, fiction, Newt Gingrich, Republicans, secret society
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Few have ever ventured into the hard terrain of this wilderness area. Trees overhang the narrow and hardly visible dirt path, their limbs like ghastly skeletal arms reaching for any who dare pass and the years of neglect are evident in the multitude of tall weeds covering the road like an invading army. So, nobody was present on that day to see the caravan of SUVs and Hummers tearing their way through the forest, over the rushing creek and up the steep mountain road, all the way to its towering peak.
“What has it been?” the man driving the lead Hummer thought, “15 years? And yet it is time again.”
Soon the line of vehicles approached a rock formation, one that looked strangely like a large elephant, and they came to a halt. The driver’s side door swung open on the lead Hummer, the man, whose dark cloak clouded his features, dropped to the ground and walked over to the rock formation, where he grabbed what appeared to be the stone elephant’s trunk with both hands and pulled down on it like a lever. Though it squealed a bit as if it were in need of oil, the trunk swung down fairly easily and the entire formation began to shudder, the sound of gears creaking to life for the first time in years filling the air, and the structure began to slowly move, crawling across the ground to one side and leaving a very large, gaping hole where it had once stood. The man motioned to the others to follow, climbed back into his overly large vehicle and, with a puff of black smoke from the exhaust pipe, he accelerated into the dark hole.
The dark cavern twisted round and round as the vehicles descended farther into the bowels of the earth, their headlights casting a light upon these smooth rock walls that had not been seen in many years. After some time, the path opened up into a large underground area and the Hummer pulled into what seemed to be a predetermined spot and parked. In turn, each of the trailing vehicles pulled in beside the first one, forming a long line of metal behemoths. Again the man climbed down from his truck’s lofty perch, this time being joined by his fellow travelers from the other vehicles, all standing silently with their faces hid in the darkness. He quickly reached up and pulled aside a dark curtain, revealing the first bit of color to be seen, a large metal door adorned with an American flag.
“Yes,” he murmured, “the time has come again.”
Behind the door lay the meeting room, looking exactly as the man remembered it fifteen years earlier. One wall was adorned with a painting of Jesus in military fatigues and carrying a large machine gun, another held an artistic piece mirroring the section of Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel best known as “The Creation of Adam,” except in this version Adam had been replaced by Ronald Reagan. In the center of the room sat a long conference table with five chairs situated around it.
The man stepped to the front of the room as the others fanned in around him. “Welcome!” he shouted, “to the 2009 edition of our secret society, Conservatives Resisting All Principles. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is time to take our country back!”
Pulling away his cloak, the man revealed himself – Newt Gingrich.
To be continued…
