Who Needs Real Politics… September 28, 2008Posted by Matt in President 2008.
Tags: Couric, debate, interview, McCain, Obama, Palin, Saturday Night Live, skit
Oh Say Can You Bleed, pt. 3 September 5, 2008Posted by Matt in Oh Say Can You Bleed.
Tags: action movie, McCain, Muslim, Palin, terrorists
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Camera pans over an idyllic wilderness landscape. This sun is just rising over the horizon and casting its first rays upon the glistening snow. Tall mountains filled with evergreen trees cover the area, but the focus is on a clearing amongst them. Birds sing their morning songs all about and a family of moose amble across the snow. The camera focuses on an igloo perched upon the ground in the clearing. Suddenly, a phone rings, breaking up the Edenic sounds of nature.
The inside of the igloo is impossibly large compared to its outside appearance. It looks like any other normal suburban living room, decorated in drab shades of beige and filled with furniture. There is a painting on the wall of Jesus riding a dinosaur and carrying a machine gun. Children are everywhere, running to and fro, yelling and crying and playing, and, amid all of the chaos, a woman, clad in a form-fitting robe with impeccable hair and makeup and cradling two small babies in one arm, picks up the ringing phone.
McCain: Hi, is this Sarah …Sarah….ummm….
Palin: Yes, this is Sarah Palin. If this is Bill O’Reilly again, I don’t want any of your falafel.
McCain: No, no, this is former POW John McCain.
Palin: Oh, Senator McCain, what a surprise. What can I do for you?
McCain: I..umm…I…was…umm…(someone can be heard whispering in the background) wondering if you would like to be my…ummm…Vice President?
Kids are ice-skating on the hard frozen floor around Palin as she talks on the phone, playing hockey in the living room.
Palin: Just a minute.
She hands a shotgun to a child not more than five years old.
Palin: Here, go out and shoot our breakfast for us, honey.
Palin: Well, Senator, even though we’ve only met once before and you hardly know anything about me, I would be honored to take the VP slot.
A large banner proclaiming “McCain/Palin ‘08” is hung on the stage of a half-full auditorium. The crowd is very subdued and many of those attendance seem to be sleeping. Rudy Giuliani is at the podium.
Giuliani: 9/11. 9/11 9/11 9/11. Ladies and gentlemen, 9/11. 9/11. L..L..Let me introduce to you, 9/11, our t..t..t..ticket to the 9/11 White House 9/11, John McCain 9/11 and Sarah 9/11 P..P…P…Palin.
McCain emerges from behind the curtain dressed in full military regalia. He is accompanied by Sarah Palin, dressed in a flashy, low cut evening gown and wearing a sash that reads “Miss Vice-President 2008” while carrying a baby. The crowd cheers for a bit, before lapsing back into a resigned silence.
McCain: Hello, my friends. I would like to introduce you, my friends, to your next Vice President of the United States of America, Sarah Palin.
Palin raises her hand and, with a slight movement of the wrist, gives a beauty queen wave to the audience.
McCain: Sarah and I may not go back very long, I mean, she wasn’t with me during those dark days of Vietnam when my captors would torture me on a daily basis, have you every heard that story? Well, they…
Palin stomps on his foot with her stiletto heels.
McCain: Oww! Hey…ummm…where am I?
Palin: I just want to thank you, the U.S. Americans, for making this possible. And together we, as U.S. Americans, can make this world a better place for the children.
The crowd applauds and the camera flashes to Cindy McCain, sitting in the front row with an overly large smile on her face that has yet to move.
From seemingly out of nowhere, a single man, dressed in the robes of a Muslim cleric with a big COMA displayed on the front, runs into the auditorium.
Muslim Man: Allah Akbar!
Suddenly his body explodes and fills the auditorium with smoke. Bodies are flying everywhere and screams fill the air. Hundreds of masked armed men pour into the room.
Sarah Palin reaches into the front of her dress and produces an uzi which, after tucking the baby into the crook of her arm, she begins to fire at their attackers. Soon, the stage is filled with the Palin children, from teenagers to babies, all armed to teeth and firing indiscriminately.
Palin: Kids, shoot the black guys! We know they don’t belong here.
The smoke filled room fills with gunfire and falling bodies as the two sides converge on each other. Screams pierce the air as those on both sides collapse in pain.
One of the masked assailants yells something indecipherable in Arabic and several of the men converge on a screaming (yet still with that unnatural smile plastered across her face) Cindy McCain, put a gun to her head and walk her out of the room.
McCain: Noooooo!! Ciiiiinnnnddyyy!
In seconds, the masked men still standing seemingly disappear into thin air.
McCain (now prostrate on the ground): Oh, my dear Cindy! No! No! I promise we will save you.”
From the stunned crowd, Fred Thompson approaches McCain and places a hand on his shoulder.
Thompson: John, there’s something you should see.
Thompson leads McCain to the prone body of one of the men. His mask had been removed, revealing the face of an Arab man with a grimace of death. Joe Lieberman is standing beside the man’s limp form, holding the mask. He places the mask in McCain’s hand, pointing at the label. It reads, “property of COMA, Central Terrorism Base, Baghdad, Iraq.
McCain: Well, my friends. Get ready. We’re going to Iraq.
To be continued…
A Scene from Saturday’s Faith Forum August 18, 2008Posted by Matt in President 2008.
Tags: faith forum, James Dobson, McCain, Mike Huckabee, Obama, pat robertson, Rick Warren, Saddleback Church, Tim LaHaye
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Note: I did watch the Saddleback Church faith forum over the weekend, but I realize that many of you might have missed the 2 hour extravaganza on Saturday. Overall it was fairly interesting and both candidates did well, but prior to the event I had something different in mind that could have happened…
TV Host: Welcome to tonight’s presidential forum on faith and politics. Tonight’s event will be hosted by Pastor Rick Warren and each of the presidential candidates will be able to give their views on a variety of issues. Here are our candidates now.
- Obama and McCain emerge from the curtain behind the stage, with Obama smiling and waving to the audience and McCain with a seemingly unnatural grin plastered across his face and moving in short, halting steps toward his podium
TV Host: Well, our presidential hopefuls have now arrived, but where is Pastor Warren? Has anyone seen him?
- Cameras walk behind the curtain and begin searching the backstage area. Each time they ask a passerby whether or not they’ve seen the pastor, they just shrug their shoulders and shake their head. Soon the cameraman reaches Warren’s dressing room. A hand reaches out from behind the camera and knocks loudly on the door.
Cameraman: Pastor Warren, are you in there? It is time for the forum to begin.
- There is no answer from behind the door, so after calling out his question a second time, the hand again appears and turns the doorknob.
Cameraman: (Gasp!) Pastor Warren!
- Laid in the floor is the tied up and unconscious form of Rick Warren. There are no signs of who might have done the deed.
TV Host: Well, what do we do now? Who will lead our faith forum?
- Suddenly, obnoxiously loud contemporary Christian music begins blaring over the speakers and the curtains behind the candidates part, revealing three figures. The spotlight suddenly swings onto the men and they raise their fists in triumph. James Dobson, Tim LaHaye, and Pat Robertson step to the third podium and take long bows. James Dobson then reaches for the microphone, slipping what looks to be a pair of brass knuckles into his jacket pocket.
Dobson: Due to Pastor Warren’s (ahem) incapacitation, we will gladly lead the forum. My first question is for Senator Barack HUSSEIN Obama. Senator, why do you hate America?
Obama: What? Of course I don’t hate America! That’s preposterous!
Dobson: Look, don’t use your big words on me, spawn of Ham. I’ll record your answer as, “Because I’m a Muslim terrorist.” Senator McCain, you will receive the same question. Does Senator Obama hate America?
- McCain’s body suddenly spasms as if it is being hit with an electric shock.
McCain (In a robotic voice): Yes.
Pat Robertson: The next question is for you again Senator Osama…hehehe…I mean, Obama. Who’s fault was 9/11? Was it the feminists, the gays, the godless liberals, or a combination of all three?
Obama (beginning to look a bit flustered): Why, none of them, of course. 9/11 was perpetrated by radical Islamic terrorists!
Robertson: Perpe? Perpe? What? You Ivy Leaguers and your elitist vocabulary! I’ll record your answer as, “I Barack HUSSEIN Obama, Muslim terrorist, am the mind behind the 9/11 attacks. Also, I am a baby-eating, homosexual, Jesus-hating liberal.”
Robertson: Now it is your turn, Senator McCain. Who is at fault for the 9/11 attacks? Is it the feminists, the homos, the godless liberals, or your opponent, Barack HUSSEIN Obama, who embodies every characteristic of evil and may actually be a demon from the bowels of hell.
- McCain’s body again jerks back as if being shocked.
LaHaye: Senator Obama, we are fairly certain that you are not the antichrist, sent here by Satan himself to usher in the seven years of tribulation, but we are sure that you are in league with him, whoever he may be. So, answer me (LaHaye’s voice rises to a crescendo) who is he!
Obama: What? You people are insane!
LaHaye: The only thing that is insane here is how so many Americans, God’s chosen people, have allowed you to pull the wool over their eyes as to your evil plans of world domination! I’ll record your answer as, “Yes, I am a pawn of Satan and good friends with the antichrist, but I will never tell you who he is!” Senator McCain, is Barack HUSSEIN Obama in league with the antichrist?
McCain: Yessss…… (Suddenly his body crumples to floor with spasms and an extension cord can be seen running from his back into the floor)
- Paramedics run to the stage and quickly work to revive the fallen Senator while armed guards, wearing fatigues emblazoned with crosses and the words “GOP Crusader’s” roughly grab Obama and, ignoring his protests, rush him from the room. Soon, the familiar thump of McCain’s heartbeat returns to normal and they prop him back up on the podium.
Dobson: Yes, it is vitally important that we find a suitable running mate. But, who can take up the mantle and lead God’s army to victory?
- Suddenly the loud roar of a revving engine can be heard from outside the wall, almost shaking the building at its very foundation. With an explosive burst of energy a heavily armored vehicle resembling the latest incarnation of the batmobile smashes through the wall and drives onto the stage next to McCain’s podium. Huge automatic guns in the shape of crosses mounted on the sign fire a few rounds for dramatic effect as the vehicle idles loudly. The crowd, after dodging the flying debris from the now decimated wall, looks on in rapt silence, wondering who it may be.
The sound of air pressure being released suddenly filled the cavernous room and, with a whirring of gears, the top of the car shifted, then opened up. Immediately, angelic voices permeate the air at top volume from the loudspeakers and a lone person dressed in shining white arises from the cockpit – Mike Huckabee.
Dobson: Governor Huckabee, it’s a pleasure to have you with us today. Will you take the vice presidential spot? Will you accept the job of eradicating the evils of liberalism around the world?
Huckabee: I will. Now, James, about the poor…
- Suddenly Huckabee’s body is wracked with spasms as if he is being administered an electric shock similar to McCain.
Dobson: What was that you asked again, governor?
Huckabee: Nothing. Nothing at all.
Obama vs. McCain – A Battle of Faith August 16, 2008Posted by Matt in President 2008.
Tags: forum, McCain, Obama, President 2008, Rick Warren
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So, I just finished watching tonight’s two hour presidential forum with Rick Warren taking on the role as moderator and I think it went pretty well, though there are aspects to John McCain’s way of thinking that really, really bother me. I realize that his goal in tonight’s event was to reach out to those conservative Christian voters who have held him in such loathing for so long, but his black/white right/wrong worldview leaves me terribly ill at ease. Do we really need another president who refuses to recognize the nuances of different situations? Shouldn’t being the leader of a nation take more than bullet points?
What did you think of the forum? I actually thought McCain came off much better than he was since the campaign started – I mean, he actually even looked like he wanted to be there this time around. Obama again failed to disappoint, but I’m sure that his lack of pointed answers to open-ended questions may alienate many. I especially appreciated his call to Americans to accept the fact that they may have to sacrifice for the greater good. In a consumption driven society dominated by our own material self interests, that may have been my favorite part of the night.
No Peace I Find… August 11, 2008Posted by Matt in politics, war.
Tags: Georgia, McCain, Obama, Russia, South Ossetia, war
Okay, let me get this straight about the current conflict in Georgia (not the state)
– South Ossetia and Abkhazia are territories within Georgia who proclaimed their independence years ago, but have yet to be recognized by the UN.
- August 7: Georgia claimed that South Ossetian separatists attacked Georgian villages, which South Ossetia denies.
- Georgia retaliates with an offensive to surround and capture the South Ossetian captial, Tskhinvali. South Ossetian officials claim that the Georgian military attacked first.
- August 8: Russia sends troops against Georgia and begins launching airstrikes against them.
- Both sides accuse the other of commiting genocide. Thousands (mostly civilians) may have already been killed on both sides.
- August 9 – Now: Russia continues to pummel Georgia and advance its forces into the country.
- August 10 – Russia rejects Georgia’s call for a cease-fire
Meanwhile, in the US:
Both John McCain and Barack Obama have condemned the actions of Russian and called for an immediate withdrawal and cease-fire. Obama has called for direct talks involving officials from both sides. McCain took his statement a step further, proclaiming that Russia would face “severe consequences” if they did not immediately withdraw.
On the Campaign Trail August 6, 2008Posted by Matt in Obama, President 2008.
Tags: Hamburgler, McCain, Obama
According to an article from today, Senator Barack Obama had some words for his opponent, Senator John McCain, today in an appearance in Indiana with Senator Evan Bayh. But, the point of this post is not to talk about McCain’s criticism of Obama’s sensible suggestion that Americans keep their tires properly inflated to increase fuel efficiency. My goal today is not to engage in a deep discussion on their opposing energy plans. No, there was another tidbit that caught my attention:
Later, the two made a campaign stop at Schoop’s diner in Portage, Ind., where both shook hands. Obama ordered four cheeseburgers to go “with the works”
Four cheeseburgers!? With the works!? Look, we all know that Obama’s a skinny dude and it wouldn’t hurt him to put on a few pounds, but that seems like a bit much.
I can see it tomorrow, Fox News headlines will read: Obama’s Connection with Hamburgler UNCOVERED!
Presidential Barbecue July 2, 2008Posted by Matt in President 2008.
Tags: barbecue, McCain, Obama
Just when you start to think the American public has been bombarded with more than enough meaningless polls, even more seem to emerge. Today’s poll comes from an article that I read on Yahoo today –
According to this particular survey, the majority of the American people would rather invite my man Obama over than McCain, 52% to 45%. Minorities, young people, and women constituted those who chose Obama, while older white people chose McCain. What would you choose? Would you rather party with Obama or eat by 4:00pm and play bridge until dark with McCain?
The Christian Vote June 10, 2008Posted by Matt in politics, President 2008.
Tags: christian, ignorance, McCain, Obama, vote
Is it okay for Christians to vote for someone that they perceive as a “lesser evil?”
The powerful conservative Christian voting bloc has found itself in a bit of a quandary this voting cycle, with two candidates who have, at least in the past, not embraced the handful of issues that they have deemed most important. An article that I read this morning again brought this idea out, commenting on how Southern Baptists, in particular, are not exactly overjoyed with this choice, though they will still cast a ballot for McCain in order to keep Barack Obama out of office.
One voter quoted in the article described it as, “basically a choice between a liberal and an ultra-liberal.” A Tennessee pastor said that he would, “have to hold my nose while I vote for McCain.”
Of course, that same pastor proved the point that the educational standards to become an SBC pastor are much lower than you might expect (Books NO!, Rush YES!) when he was also quoted as saying, “Obama’s a die-hard socialist!”
But, I digress….would God smile on someone who chooses to do something they perceive as wrong in order to avoid something they see as more wrong? Is God’s way truly that pragmatic?
Math or Miracles? February 12, 2008Posted by Matt in politics, President 2008, religion.
Tags: huckabee, math, McCain, politics, president
Mike Huckabee, when asked about the near-impossibility of his presidential bid (according to CNN, even if Huckabee won 50% of the vote vs. 40% for McCain in all of the remaining states, he would still come up short) answered with, “I didn’t major in math. I majored in miracles…”
Judging from the long odds, I’m guessing Huckabee is expecting McCain to get struck down, Ananias and Saphira-style, because that’s really his best hope.
And, by the way, I did major in math.