The Real World: 2012 Republican Edition, Pt. 4 June 13, 2011
Posted by Matt in The Real World: Republican Edition.Tags: mandates, Michele Bachman, Mitt Romney, Obama, spineless politicians, Tim Pawlenty
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This is the true story … of eight presidential candidates … picked to live in a house … work together and have their lives taped … to find out what happens … when people stop being polite … and start being real … The Real World.
The camera opens on Michele Bachman, sitting at the table yet staring off to the right.
Bachman: When Mitt presented his house chore plan I admit I was skeptical, particularly when he mandated that all housemates take equal share in the work. It sounds a bit like Obamunism, you know. So I went to Tim, umm T-Paw, to see what he thought about it.
The scene changes to earlier that day in the kitchen. Tim Pawlenty is washing dishes when Bachman comes up beside him and begins to speak.
Bachman: So, T-Paw, what do you think about Romney’s plan? Do you agree that we should take turns washing dishes, folding clothes, and cleaning bathrooms? I mean, if I have to clean up after Newt, Lord help me…
Pawlenty: Yeah, I totally agree. Down with ObamaRomunism!
Bachman: Exactly. We’ve got to fight this thing! No mandates!
Pawlenty: Absolutely.
Later that day the candidates are sitting around the table eating another meal of Godfather’s pizza, but it’s obvious that things are a bit strained. Newt Gingrich finally breaks the ice.
Gingrich: So, T-Paw, what do you think about the chore sharing plan introduced by Mitt.
Pawlenty (glancing nervously at Romney): Um, I umm…
Bachman is staring at him across the table mouthing, “ObamaRomunism.”
Everyone turns and looks at him expectedly.
Pawlenty: I umm, you know, Obama’s really an evil guy.
Gingrich: But T-Paw, what about ObamaRomunism?
Pawlenty: Umm, I don’t know about that. Obama sucks. So, how ’bout those Twins?
The Real World: 2012 Republican Edition May 24, 2011
Posted by Matt in President 2012.Tags: 2012 election, Herman Cain, Michele Bachman, Mike Huckabee, Mitch Daniels, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republican presidential candidates, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, The Real World, Tim Pawlenty
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This is the true story … of eight presidential candidates … picked to live in a house … work together and have their lives taped … to find out what happens … when people stop being polite … and start being real … The Real World.
Newt Gingrich (talking to camera): When Mike and Mitch left, well, I was, I was stunned.
Scene changes to the weekend before
Tim Pawlenty (to Mike Huckabee): Mike, man, there’s no reason to quit. We want you around.
Huckabee: No reason? I got more than 500,000 reasons a year. Just tell them Jesus told me to quit or something.
Scene changes again to Newt Gingrich with a hand on Mitch Daniels’ shoulder talking to him.
Daniels: Look, Newt, I think it’s in the best interest of my family that I drop out.
Gingrich: Family? Come on, Mitch, you can always get a new one. Heck, I do that all the time!
Scene changes back to the current day, with the six remaining candidates sitting around a large kitchen table. Newt has a stack of papers in front of him.
Gingrich: Hello everyone. With the recent loss of two of our housemates, I would like to draw your attention to what I have printed in front of me,
Newt takes one paper and passes it on to Tim Pawlenty, who is wearing a backwards Vikings hat, gold chains, and sunglasses, and is sitting slouched in his chair with his arms crossed in front of him.
Gingrich: Please take one and pass it on, Tim.
Pawlenty: It’s T-Paw, yo.
Gingrich: What the heck are you talking about?
Pawlenty: Look, dog, I ain’t goin’ by Tim no more. Now, it’s T-Paw.
Gingrich: Um, okay, T-Paw.
Pawlenty: Word.
Soon the forms are passed around the table and Newt begins speaking again.
Gingrich: Fellow housemates, I want to draw your attention to this creation of mine, the Contract for Our House. Therein you will find several rules that will make our stay here more fulfilling and orderly. Please sign your name on the final page and we will allow this document to guide our time in this house.
Herman Cain pushes his papers back in anger and casts a venomous stare at Newt.
Cain: Do you know who I am?
Gingrich: Um, Alan Keyes?
Cain: No, dammit, I was the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza! Do you know what that makes me?
Gingrich (fidgeting uncomfortably): Uh, no.
Cain: It means I’m the Godfather! (he holds out a hand, palm down, with a large ring on it)
Gingrich (getting more uncomfortable by the second): Yeah, well…
Cain: Kiss my hand! I am the Godfather!
Mitt Romney: Let’s all calm down, now, and remember what God said to the great prophet, Joseph Smith, about our people. As it is written in the book of I Nephi 13:15 and the inheritors of America, the great land of God, it says, “And I beheld that they were white, and exceedingly fair and beautiful, like unto my people.” Sorry, Herman or Godfather or whatever you call yourself.
Cain (spitting with anger): But, but, but….
Suddenly Ron Paul stands and points an accusatory finger at the contract.
Paul: What’s with this “no drugs” stuff? I support the legalization of all drugs, marijuana, heroin, crack, meth, all of them. I don’t just support it, I insist it! (He is twitching with anger as his voice rises) This will not stand! We are for freedom! For the people and by the people and, by God, if we want to do lines of cocaine with hookers we should be able to do it!
Rick Santorum interrupts Paul and, staring daggers at Newt, he launches his own attack.
Santorum: Why, I ask, does this document have nothing in it about abortion? I demand that we outlaw all abortions in this house!
Gingrich: Well, Rick, we’re all male for one thing.
Santorum: So?! I’m sure that there’s some gay liberal plot to impregnate men and how do I know one of you isn’t carrying around a baby now? Huh? Can you prove it to me?
Suddenly the door bell rings.
Romney: Herman, would you get that for us?
Cain: What? Why should I have to get it?
Romney (with a look of feigned sympathy): You know why. Just answer the door. Thanks.
Cain grumbles aloud, but still get up and opens the door. Standing in the entryway is Sarah Palin and Michele Bachman with handfuls of teabags.
Palin: Hiya, guys! Heard you lost a couple of housemates. Think you have room for two more?
Newt looks them up and down appreciatively and quickly wrenches his wedding ring from his finger.
Gingrich: I think we may be able to find some room somewhere. Come on in ladies.
