2012 Presidential Forum on the Undead October 12, 2011
Posted by Matt in President 2012.Tags: 2012 Republican Presidential Debate, Bruce Campbell, Herman Cain, Jon Huntsman, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, undead, zombies
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Wolf Blitzer: Welcome everyone to our inaugural 2012 Presidential Forum on the Undead. I will be your moderator for the evening.
(Applause)
Blitzer: Given the increased interest in zombie apocalypse scenarios and the possible ramifications an event of this nature would have on the human race, we at CNN felt as though this timely topic deserves to be discussed in public.
Blitzer: We will begin tonight’s discussion with former Godfather’s Pizza CEO, Herman Cain. Mr. Cain, in the event of a zombie apocalypse where flesh-eating undead creatures roam the earth, feeding on the living and thus spreading the zombie plague to them, what actions would you take?
Cain: Thank you, Wolf, and let me begin by saying thank you all for having this all-important discussion. Most of you have heard of the 9-9-9 plan I have put in place to repair our broken economy, but you may not be aware of the 9-9-9 plan for zombie eradication. You see, my plan works this way: 9 people with 9 bullets for 9 zombies. That simple plan is the key to human survival. With these small, roaming bands of human fighters, we will be victorious. Simplicity.
Mitt Romney: Mr. Cain, don’t you think that plan is maybe too simplistic?
Cain: What?! We need simplicity! Not your 160 page plan for reconquering the earth! Can you even tell me what’s in your plan?
Michele Bachmann (jumping in before he can answer): I don’t know why we are even concerned about a zombie apocalypse. Obviously if the dead rise, as is foretold in the book of Revelation, all of the good Christians will have already been raptured to heavenly glory. So, I say bring on the zombies!
Rick Perry: Wolf, I agree with Senator Bachmann, but, in case you are part of the unbelievers left to suffer 7 years of tribulation, I suggest you stock up on guns and Bibles and bunker down. See, I’ve got my zombie repellant right here (he pulls out a .45 and sets it on the table).
Newt Gingrich: Back in the 1990’s when I was relevant, we talked about these same issues and presented them to the American People. Perhaps you remember our Contract with America with Zombies? It’s all worked out in there.
Ron Paul: As a medical doctor, I can say with absolute certainty that there is no naturally occurring zombie plague. If this sort of outbreak takes place it has obviously been put in place by a human means, perhaps even our own government! The Federal Government is responsible! They must be stopped!
Bachmann: Pray to Jesus!
Cain: 9-9-9!
Perry: Shoot for their black, rotting eyes!
Gingrich: Hey, remember me?
Paul: Burn down Washington!
Jon Huntsman: Hold on just a minute everyone. There are no such things as zombies. There are no undead creatures. Let’s all calm down and use a little common sense.
Romney (suddenly stepping out from behind his podium, brandishing a chainsaw where his left hand should be): All of you, shut up! Have I ever told you about what I did back in the 1980’s?
The auditorium sits in rapt silence.
Romney: Did you ever see a movie called The Evil Dead, later redone as The Evil Dead 2? Or perhaps you saw the third film in the trilogy Army of Darkness? Yeah, you might have thought that those were just playful comedy-horror films, right? Well, you probably didn’t know that they were actually documentaries of me and my battle with evil spirits and the undead.
Romney: Yes, it is true. The undead do exist and I have the scars and missing limbs to prove it. People of America, if you want someone who is experienced with this epidemic, who knows how to defeat the forces of evil sent by the devil himself, you should and must look to me, Mitt Romney, zombie hunter. Groovy.
Perry: Yeah, but, but, you’re Mormon…
