2012 Presidential Forum on the Undead October 12, 2011
Posted by Matt in President 2012.Tags: 2012 Republican Presidential Debate, Bruce Campbell, Herman Cain, Jon Huntsman, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, undead, zombies
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Wolf Blitzer: Welcome everyone to our inaugural 2012 Presidential Forum on the Undead. I will be your moderator for the evening.
(Applause)
Blitzer: Given the increased interest in zombie apocalypse scenarios and the possible ramifications an event of this nature would have on the human race, we at CNN felt as though this timely topic deserves to be discussed in public.
Blitzer: We will begin tonight’s discussion with former Godfather’s Pizza CEO, Herman Cain. Mr. Cain, in the event of a zombie apocalypse where flesh-eating undead creatures roam the earth, feeding on the living and thus spreading the zombie plague to them, what actions would you take?
Cain: Thank you, Wolf, and let me begin by saying thank you all for having this all-important discussion. Most of you have heard of the 9-9-9 plan I have put in place to repair our broken economy, but you may not be aware of the 9-9-9 plan for zombie eradication. You see, my plan works this way: 9 people with 9 bullets for 9 zombies. That simple plan is the key to human survival. With these small, roaming bands of human fighters, we will be victorious. Simplicity.
Mitt Romney: Mr. Cain, don’t you think that plan is maybe too simplistic?
Cain: What?! We need simplicity! Not your 160 page plan for reconquering the earth! Can you even tell me what’s in your plan?
Michele Bachmann (jumping in before he can answer): I don’t know why we are even concerned about a zombie apocalypse. Obviously if the dead rise, as is foretold in the book of Revelation, all of the good Christians will have already been raptured to heavenly glory. So, I say bring on the zombies!
Rick Perry: Wolf, I agree with Senator Bachmann, but, in case you are part of the unbelievers left to suffer 7 years of tribulation, I suggest you stock up on guns and Bibles and bunker down. See, I’ve got my zombie repellant right here (he pulls out a .45 and sets it on the table).
Newt Gingrich: Back in the 1990’s when I was relevant, we talked about these same issues and presented them to the American People. Perhaps you remember our Contract with America with Zombies? It’s all worked out in there.
Ron Paul: As a medical doctor, I can say with absolute certainty that there is no naturally occurring zombie plague. If this sort of outbreak takes place it has obviously been put in place by a human means, perhaps even our own government! The Federal Government is responsible! They must be stopped!
Bachmann: Pray to Jesus!
Cain: 9-9-9!
Perry: Shoot for their black, rotting eyes!
Gingrich: Hey, remember me?
Paul: Burn down Washington!
Jon Huntsman: Hold on just a minute everyone. There are no such things as zombies. There are no undead creatures. Let’s all calm down and use a little common sense.
Romney (suddenly stepping out from behind his podium, brandishing a chainsaw where his left hand should be): All of you, shut up! Have I ever told you about what I did back in the 1980’s?
The auditorium sits in rapt silence.
Romney: Did you ever see a movie called The Evil Dead, later redone as The Evil Dead 2? Or perhaps you saw the third film in the trilogy Army of Darkness? Yeah, you might have thought that those were just playful comedy-horror films, right? Well, you probably didn’t know that they were actually documentaries of me and my battle with evil spirits and the undead.
Romney: Yes, it is true. The undead do exist and I have the scars and missing limbs to prove it. People of America, if you want someone who is experienced with this epidemic, who knows how to defeat the forces of evil sent by the devil himself, you should and must look to me, Mitt Romney, zombie hunter. Groovy.
Perry: Yeah, but, but, you’re Mormon…
The Real World: 2012 Republican Edition, Pt. 4 June 13, 2011
Posted by Matt in The Real World: Republican Edition.Tags: mandates, Michele Bachman, Mitt Romney, Obama, spineless politicians, Tim Pawlenty
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This is the true story … of eight presidential candidates … picked to live in a house … work together and have their lives taped … to find out what happens … when people stop being polite … and start being real … The Real World.
The camera opens on Michele Bachman, sitting at the table yet staring off to the right.
Bachman: When Mitt presented his house chore plan I admit I was skeptical, particularly when he mandated that all housemates take equal share in the work. It sounds a bit like Obamunism, you know. So I went to Tim, umm T-Paw, to see what he thought about it.
The scene changes to earlier that day in the kitchen. Tim Pawlenty is washing dishes when Bachman comes up beside him and begins to speak.
Bachman: So, T-Paw, what do you think about Romney’s plan? Do you agree that we should take turns washing dishes, folding clothes, and cleaning bathrooms? I mean, if I have to clean up after Newt, Lord help me…
Pawlenty: Yeah, I totally agree. Down with ObamaRomunism!
Bachman: Exactly. We’ve got to fight this thing! No mandates!
Pawlenty: Absolutely.
Later that day the candidates are sitting around the table eating another meal of Godfather’s pizza, but it’s obvious that things are a bit strained. Newt Gingrich finally breaks the ice.
Gingrich: So, T-Paw, what do you think about the chore sharing plan introduced by Mitt.
Pawlenty (glancing nervously at Romney): Um, I umm…
Bachman is staring at him across the table mouthing, “ObamaRomunism.”
Everyone turns and looks at him expectedly.
Pawlenty: I umm, you know, Obama’s really an evil guy.
Gingrich: But T-Paw, what about ObamaRomunism?
Pawlenty: Umm, I don’t know about that. Obama sucks. So, how ’bout those Twins?
The Real World: 2012 Republican Edition May 24, 2011
Posted by Matt in President 2012.Tags: 2012 election, Herman Cain, Michele Bachman, Mike Huckabee, Mitch Daniels, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republican presidential candidates, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, The Real World, Tim Pawlenty
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This is the true story … of eight presidential candidates … picked to live in a house … work together and have their lives taped … to find out what happens … when people stop being polite … and start being real … The Real World.
Newt Gingrich (talking to camera): When Mike and Mitch left, well, I was, I was stunned.
Scene changes to the weekend before
Tim Pawlenty (to Mike Huckabee): Mike, man, there’s no reason to quit. We want you around.
Huckabee: No reason? I got more than 500,000 reasons a year. Just tell them Jesus told me to quit or something.
Scene changes again to Newt Gingrich with a hand on Mitch Daniels’ shoulder talking to him.
Daniels: Look, Newt, I think it’s in the best interest of my family that I drop out.
Gingrich: Family? Come on, Mitch, you can always get a new one. Heck, I do that all the time!
Scene changes back to the current day, with the six remaining candidates sitting around a large kitchen table. Newt has a stack of papers in front of him.
Gingrich: Hello everyone. With the recent loss of two of our housemates, I would like to draw your attention to what I have printed in front of me,
Newt takes one paper and passes it on to Tim Pawlenty, who is wearing a backwards Vikings hat, gold chains, and sunglasses, and is sitting slouched in his chair with his arms crossed in front of him.
Gingrich: Please take one and pass it on, Tim.
Pawlenty: It’s T-Paw, yo.
Gingrich: What the heck are you talking about?
Pawlenty: Look, dog, I ain’t goin’ by Tim no more. Now, it’s T-Paw.
Gingrich: Um, okay, T-Paw.
Pawlenty: Word.
Soon the forms are passed around the table and Newt begins speaking again.
Gingrich: Fellow housemates, I want to draw your attention to this creation of mine, the Contract for Our House. Therein you will find several rules that will make our stay here more fulfilling and orderly. Please sign your name on the final page and we will allow this document to guide our time in this house.
Herman Cain pushes his papers back in anger and casts a venomous stare at Newt.
Cain: Do you know who I am?
Gingrich: Um, Alan Keyes?
Cain: No, dammit, I was the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza! Do you know what that makes me?
Gingrich (fidgeting uncomfortably): Uh, no.
Cain: It means I’m the Godfather! (he holds out a hand, palm down, with a large ring on it)
Gingrich (getting more uncomfortable by the second): Yeah, well…
Cain: Kiss my hand! I am the Godfather!
Mitt Romney: Let’s all calm down, now, and remember what God said to the great prophet, Joseph Smith, about our people. As it is written in the book of I Nephi 13:15 and the inheritors of America, the great land of God, it says, “And I beheld that they were white, and exceedingly fair and beautiful, like unto my people.” Sorry, Herman or Godfather or whatever you call yourself.
Cain (spitting with anger): But, but, but….
Suddenly Ron Paul stands and points an accusatory finger at the contract.
Paul: What’s with this “no drugs” stuff? I support the legalization of all drugs, marijuana, heroin, crack, meth, all of them. I don’t just support it, I insist it! (He is twitching with anger as his voice rises) This will not stand! We are for freedom! For the people and by the people and, by God, if we want to do lines of cocaine with hookers we should be able to do it!
Rick Santorum interrupts Paul and, staring daggers at Newt, he launches his own attack.
Santorum: Why, I ask, does this document have nothing in it about abortion? I demand that we outlaw all abortions in this house!
Gingrich: Well, Rick, we’re all male for one thing.
Santorum: So?! I’m sure that there’s some gay liberal plot to impregnate men and how do I know one of you isn’t carrying around a baby now? Huh? Can you prove it to me?
Suddenly the door bell rings.
Romney: Herman, would you get that for us?
Cain: What? Why should I have to get it?
Romney (with a look of feigned sympathy): You know why. Just answer the door. Thanks.
Cain grumbles aloud, but still get up and opens the door. Standing in the entryway is Sarah Palin and Michele Bachman with handfuls of teabags.
Palin: Hiya, guys! Heard you lost a couple of housemates. Think you have room for two more?
Newt looks them up and down appreciatively and quickly wrenches his wedding ring from his finger.
Gingrich: I think we may be able to find some room somewhere. Come on in ladies.
The Elephant Stomps Back – Part 3 May 20, 2009
Posted by Matt in The Elephant Stomps Back.Tags: Conservatives, Contract For America, George W. Bush, humor, issues, Michael Steele, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, politics, Republicans, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin
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You can read parts 1 and 2 here.
Recap: Five Republican leaders have reformed the secret Conservatives Resisting All Principles group and are trying to put together a new Contract For America.
Gingrich: As we begin our quest for renewed power, we must first decide what our focus, as a party, should be. Governor Palin, we’ll begin with you.
Palin (smiling broadly): You betcha, Newty old boy. Abstinence is the key. Well, that and hunting from helicopters.
Romney: With all due respect, Governor Palin, you are a complete moron. The real focus should be on the business sector – lower taxes, lower taxes, lower taxes! And, of course, polygamy would be nice too.
Steele: Yo, yo, yo, Michael Steele in da house! Look man, we gotta get the sha-zizzle in the fun-izzle. Ya hear me?
Huckabee: Look, I never won any beauty pageants and I’m not some high-falutin’ governor from a God-forsaken state like Massachusetts and I’m not even a token black guy. No, I’m just a little ol’ Baptist preacher from Arkansas. I may not have an Ivy League education, but I do know this: When God created the world 6,000 years ago, there weren’t any science books. Do you know why? ‘Cause they’re from the devil!
Gingrich: Thank you, such, ummmm…diverse ideas. Let’s look at a few individual issues and see if we can come to some kind of consensus. How do you feel about taxes and frivolous government spending.
Romney: Well, as I have already made quite clear, I believe strongly in reducing taxes. Truthfully, I think we shouldn’t have to pay any taxes at all. Then the government will stop spending and all of our problems will be solved. Then I can retire to my heavily armed estate with my harem, you know, similar to the planet I will receive in the afterlife.
Steele: Fo’-sheezy.
Huckabee: Look, the only “taxes” we should pay as a Christian nation is our tithe to God. Then we can use that money to build bigger churches and creation science theme parks!
Palin: Gotcha, Huck! Amen to that. Ya know, as the governor of a state with more caribou per square mile than people, I often had to make difficult decisions regarding federal money. I mean, I said “Thanks, but no thanks,” when they offered funds for that “Bridge to Nowhere” before taking the money anyway.
Gingrich (furiously jotting down notes): What about in the area of social concerns like abortion, gay rights, etc.?
Romney: I was for it before I was against it before I was for it and against it and…wait, ummm….lower taxes for all!
Palin: You know, children are God’s most precious gifts to us, so I have made it my mission to have as many as possible. I mean, I had three more of my own last week! Regarding those infected with gayness, back in Wasilla we would feed ‘em to polar bears. You know, that way they wouldn’t infect the rest of us tryin’ populate the earth.
Steele: Fo’ sho’! Ka-zeezel da gazzizzles! Holla!
Huckabee: Stone them! Every one of them! Just like it says in the divinely inspired book of Leviticus we’ll kill the witches and wizards and the disobedient and the blasphemers and those who work on the Sabbath!
Suddenly, a rumbling quake tears through the room, causing all of the people in attendance to grip the table in fear, and a gigantic screen plasma television lowers onto the wall from somewhere above. The five companions stare in surprise and with a degree of terror as the television mysteriously turns on, first revealing only loud static but soon focusing itself on a single figure sitting before them – Rush Limbaugh.
Gingrich: Oh great Rushbo! I did not realize you were going to join us. What a…ummm…surprise!
Limbaugh: You disappoint me, all of you! For you all know that I am the sole leader of the Republican party! You must all bow to me!
Huckabee: Never!
Huckabee then pulls out a large cross-shaped sword similar to that of Emperor Constantine centuries ago and stabs it into the screen with a loud war cry. Sparks begin to fly, flames leap from the screen and the entire thing explodes into a giant mushroom cloud atop the mountain.
Then, following the destruction of the television, the sudden disruption in signal causes an immediate increase in radio waves that zap back at Rush, directly into his headphones, causing his already overly-large head to explode with a disgusting splat!
—–
The smoke clears and nothing is left of the secret Conservatives Resisting All Principles headquarters, nothing that is except for the paper upon which Newt Gingrich penned the new Contract for America, the ultimate manifesto of conservative values based on the input received at the abruptly-ended meeting. The paper itself is blown high into the sky where it is pulled this way and that by the shifting winds as it flies miles and miles high above the clouds before finally coming to a rest upon a piece of dusty, desert ground in Texas.
It just so happens that there is a man present in that deserted land when the paper lands. Clad in boots, complete with spurs, and an oversized cowboy hat, he is busying himself by clearing brush when the paper suddenly flutters down and lands at his booted feet. He picks it up and peers at it closely, turning it right side up and upside down, staring intently with a confused look on his face. He carries the paper over to his dirty pickup truck and digs in the glove box until his hand emerges with a prized box of crayons. Scribbling furiously, the man finally holds up the paper and smiles at the crudely drawn stickmen, one shooting the other with a crudely drawn gun.
“Heh heh heh heh…take that, Saddam.”
After folding the paper into the form of an airplane he launches it into the desert and then George W. Bush turns back to his work. So much brush to be cleared, so little time.
The Elephant Stomps Back – Part 2 May 19, 2009
Posted by Matt in The Elephant Stomps Back.Tags: Conservatives, Contract For America, humor, issues, Michael Steele, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republicans, Sarah Palin
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Gingrich: Brothers and sisters, you have been called together today in order to reform our super-secret society that is resurrected every time a Democrat is elected president, Conservatives Resisting All Principles. You are in friendly confines, so please remove your cloaks and greet your fellow conservatives.
One by one, the four guests removed their matching black cloaks, revealing their identities – Sarah Palin, Michael Steele, Mitt Romney, and Mike Huckabee. After shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries, the five figures took their seats.
Gingrich: Now, my fellow real Americans, you may remember some fifteen years ago, that terrible time when we suffered beneath the oppressive thumb of the man long thought to be the devil himself, Bill Clinton.
Everyone: Boo! Hiss!
Gingrich: By employing some evil Socialism-fueled black magic that most likely came from Muslim homosexuals, the devilish Democrats sought to control everything and turn us all into a bunch of baby-eating tree-hugging hippies!
Everyone: No! May it never be!
Gingrich: But, despite their great power and the malicious liberal media hell bent on exchanging the Bible for the New York Times, a small group of us came together and forged a partnership based on our divinely guided conservative principles. As a secret society we forged tablets of stone upon which the hand of God himself wrote the Contract for America. As one we took the country back, first in Congress and then, a few years later, in the Presidency. Times were good.
Everyone: Amen!
Gingrich: But today the threat we face is bigger than ever before. Again they have captured the government with the obvious goal of turning our once-great democracy for the people and by the people into an Islamo-fascist socialist communist homosexual baby-eating anti-gun overtaxed wasteland. They must be stopped!
Everyone: Amen!
Gingrich: So today we come together to forge another great Contract for America. As prominent members of the party, we must be the leaders that take us into tomorrow.
to be continued…
Oh Say Can You Bleed, pt.5 September 9, 2008
Posted by Matt in Oh Say Can You Bleed.Tags: action movie, Bruce Campbell, Joe Lieberman, John McCain, Mitt Romney, Osama Bin Laden, Sarah Palin, script, zombies
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Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4 of our bad action movie can be found here.
Scene 8:
The scene opens with the sound of a rumbling engine as the four companions look down the narrow street toward a warehouse at the end of it. It is an old, dilapidated building with a large garage door in front of it and several armed guards on the roof. A hastily written, sloppy sign has been hung across the front of the building from the roof that reads: COMA Terrorist Headquarters.
McCain: OK, troops. We’ve got them where we want them. Leave none alive. Take no prisoners.
The camera focuses on McCain’s face. His teeth are gritted and eyes are angry in a look of hardened resolve.
McCain: Make them pay.
He punches the pedal to the floor and, with a deafening squeal, the car jumps forward and begins rapidly accelerating toward the garage door. The men on the roof open fire with their weapons, but the bullets fall harmlessly from the vehicle’s resistant exterior. The building is getting closer and closer, a look of anger cemented on McCain’s face.
Suddenly there is an explosion and the vehicle is flipped over, skidding down the narrow street upside down all the way to the garage door where it screeches to a halt.
McCain: Akk….roadside bomb. I should have known. Is everyone alright?
Palin: Me and the baby are fine.
Lieberman: Despite being the most reviled man in American politics, I’m okay.
McCain: Fred! Fred! Are you there, Fred?
Thompson: Ho Ho! Sorry, John, I must have dozed off. I’m ready as well.
With his bare fist, McCain breaks out the nearest window and pulls himself through. The men on the roof begin firing down at him, showering the ground and the car with bullets. Reaching in, he pulls each of the others out and runs them to the indentation of the wall where the garage door is located. Though they continuously fire upon him, somehow none of the bullets even graze him. As he runs back and forth, McCain unholsters his trusted .45 and, while running, picks off a few of the combatants on the roof. They fall, screaming to the ground below. After hauling all three of his friends to the relative safety of the door, McCain reaches down and pulls the garage door open. The four of them scramble inside.
The inside of the warehouse is dark and seemingly empty. Water can be heard dripping somewhere in a corner. Far in the back, a platform can be seen.
McCain: Hello! Where are you, terrorists? McCain is here to give you some McPain!
Female voice from the back of the platform: John, I’m here! But…
McCain: Cindy? Cindy, it’s you!
Cindy: No, John! Wait!
McCain begins rushing to the platform when another voice stops him in his tracks.
Voice with strong Arab accent: Senator McCain, it is so nice of you to join us today. We’ve been expecting you.
A figure strolls to the front of the platform nearest to McCain. It laughs an evil laugh.
McCain: Bin Laden. I should have known it was you!
Bin Laden: Oh, but it’s not just me, Senator. Behold, your worst enemy!
A large screen on the wall behind him suddenly flickers to life and Barack Obama’s face appears.
Obama: So, John McCain, we meet again.
McCain: I…I…should have known. The middle name…the first name that rhymes with Osama….the fact that he lived in a predominantly Muslim country as a small child…I can’t believe I didn’t get it.
Obama: Yes, John…and now it’s too late. Finish him Bin Laden!
The screen goes blank. Bin Laden and McCain stare at each other threateningly.
Bin Laden: I’d like for you to meet a few of my friends, Senator. Say hello to you worst nightmare.
The ground shakes and the floor in front of them cracks and breaks apart. Hands reach above the shattered concrete and the horrid stench of death fills the air. Grasping at the ground, the arms begin to lift human shapes above the surface. As the dust clears, there are five additional figures standing between Bin Laden and the Americans – Slobodan Milosevic, Mao ZeDong, Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein, and Adolph Hitler, as reanimated zombies. Reaching their hands in front of them toward the companions, the undead creatures begin taking halting steps toward them, their grossly deformed faces staring blankly ahead.
Bin Laden – Yes, that’s right. Using my evil Muslim magic, I brought back these great leaders from the past to destroy you and perhaps infect you with the plague of the undead. Ha Ha Ha!
Holding up his .45, McCain takes a shot at Pol Pot, burying a bullet deep in his chest. The monster pauses for a second, let’s out an earth-shaking screech and continues to move forward with an even greater vigor.
McCain retreats turns and runs back to the others.
McCain: What do we do now?
Palin: Yes, who will save us?
Suddenly the sound of a revving chainsaw fills the air and a lone person steps forward from the darkness – Mitt Romney.
Romney: Now you all know of my alter ego, Ash.
Romney: Hail to the king, baby.
A chainsaw was now in place of one of Romney’s hand and a double-barreled shotgun was in his other. The noise of the chainsaw even made the zombies turn to look at him.
Romney: Who wants some, come on!
With surprising speed, the zombies quickly begin moving toward him. Pointing his shotgun, he unloads in Milosevic’s head, splattering goo all about and sending the body to the floor
Romney: In the head! Shoot them in the head.
Swinging around his chainsaw, Romney severs one of Mao’s arms, sending it failing to the floor along with splatters of decomposed goo. Mao’s blank face looked toward him and suddenly lunges directly onto him. Romney instinctively raises the chainsaw hand in the nick of time and Mao impales himself on the whirring blades. Still moving, despite his impalement, the undead creature continues reaching for Romney, gnashing its teeth in anger.
McCain coolly saunters up behind Mao, points his .45 to the back of the monster’s head and pulls the trigger with a deafening boom. Showering Romney with bits of skull and rotten, stinking muck.
Romney (wiping his face clean with his sleeve): Groovy!
Shifting the baby around to better accommodate her machine gun, Sarah Palin goes straight for Saddam Hussein. Pulling the trigger, she fills the body with bullets, but none to the head. Lurching forward, arms outstretched, Saddam reaches for her and the baby.
Saddam: Arrrrggghhhh….
Falling over backwards, she quickly replaces the ammo cartridge just as Saddam lunges. With her lightning-quick reflexes she raises the gun and blasts him numerous times in the head. With a thud, the unmoving body collapses on her and her young son.
Fred Thompson is fighting with Pol Pot, who shows no ill effects from taking a bullet to the chest earlier. Swinging the butt of his rifle around, Thompson catches the monster in the head, knocking it off balance for just a moment. While it staggers, he pulls the gun up to its head and unloads at point blank range. The body shudders and then hits the floor.
The last of the undead monsters, Hitler, is battling with Joe Lieberman. Lieberman raises his gun to its head and places his finger on the trigger.
Lieberman: This is for my people.
He pulls the trigger and nothing happens. Horrified and stunned, Lieberman stares wild eyed as Hitler lunges on him, sinking his jagged teeth into his arm.
Lieberman: Noooo!
He reaches into his belt and unholsters a machete which he then stabs directly into the zombies neck. A black, putrid liquid pours out onto his hand, but Lieberman holds steady, turns the knife and decapitates the monster. Pushing it from him, he stands to his feet, a look of defeat on his face. Suddenly his body is hit with convulsions – the zombie plague was taking hold.
Lieberman: Quick! Someone please give me a gun. I must end this.
Romney tosses him a revolver.
McCain: You’re a good man, Joe. I’m sorry.
Lieberman raises the gun to his own temple and pulls the trigger.
Bin Laden: Congratulations. You have defeated my undead army for now, but there will be more…oh yes, there will be more. Right now, my dark Muslim magicians are visiting Nazi cemeteries and soon zombies will destroy the world!
Romney: Not if I have anything to say about it.
Bin Laden: And who are you? Are you the good guy? Are you going to stop me?
Romney: Good. Bad. I’m the guy with the gun.
Turning around, Romney runs out the door and disappears, off to stop the zombies.
Bin Laden: Good riddance. Okay, Senator McCain, let’s settle this once and for all.
McCain: My pleasure.
Bin Laden: But not with guns, oh no. Senator, you are a man of honor and what honor is there in three against one. My fight is with you alone and the weapon of choice – samurai swords.
Reaching behind him, Bin Laden pulls two sheathed swords from the ground. He tosses one to McCain.
McCain: Let’s do it.
The two men circle each other, swords held at ready. McCain makes the first move, but his swift stroke is parried by Bin Laden. Over and over, their swords clash together as they stare at each other with unbridled hatred.
Bin Laden: You can’t defeat us, McCain. The power of evil is too strong. You will either come to our side or die.
McCain: That’s a chance I’m willing to take.
Bin Laden: But why? Why fight it? What could possibly keep you from joining us and ruling the world.
McCain: America. America, Osama. Something you can never understand.
McCain suddenly lunges at Bin Laden with a blow meant for death, but Bin Laden catches him with a blunt blow from the hilt of his own sword, knocking him onto his back on the ground. He points the sword at McCain’s neck.
Bin Laden: It is over, John. Yield to the power of Allah.
Cindy screams out, distracting Bin Laden momentarily, and McCain thrusts upward with his own sword, straight into the gut of his adversary.
McCain (with his sword up to the hilt into Bin Laden): No, you yield to all ‘o me.
Bin Laden gurgles, blood trickles from his mouth and he falls to the ground.
McCain slumps to the ground, exhausted. Sitting for a moment, the others join him on the platform.
Palin: What next, boss?
McCain picks up a colorful flyer from the floor. It reads:
Join the Communist Obama Muslim Army today!
Saturday, October 11 we will complete our evil plan to take over America.
Meet at the Statue of Liberty, New York City, for an explosive good time.
The three friends look at each other in horror.
McCain: I knew it. Next stop, my friends, New York.
To be continued…
P.S. The inspiration for Mitt Romney came from this earlier post.
Let the Vice-President Sweepstakes Begin! June 4, 2008
Posted by Matt in politics, President 2008.Tags: Bobby Jindal, Charlie Crist, John McCain, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Ronald Reagan, vice president
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Now that the presumptive candidates have been identified in our quaintly antique two-party system, it is time for us to examine their possible running mates. There may be few jobs cushier than that of the vice president, who historically only emerges from his hole in the ground to make the rare, tie-breaking Senate vote or to take over the leadership helm in the untimely event of a president’s death. While Franklin Roosevelt once famously said that the office of vice-president, “wasn’t worth a bucket of warm pee,” it is still looked upon as an important decision by the nominees – especially in our 24-hour media world that is in desperate need of time-filling headlines. So, let’s take a look at some of the possibilities for each of the candidates:
John McCain – There are two points on which McCain has thusfar based his candidacy – his years and years and years of experience and his supposed expertise in national security. But there are two other factions of the Republican party that he must cater to, besides security: social conservatives and business people. While he certainly has the Republican presidential look (old, rich, and white), there are many that remain unconvinced in the GOP ranks. Who could he bring in to help shore up the party?
Mike Huckabee:
Positive: Likeable guy who would help McCain make inroads in the conservative Christian community
Negative: Thinks The Flintstones is a documentary.
Mitt Romney:
Positive: Business background has great appeal to the financially-minded segment of the party.
Negative: Mrs. And Mrs. And Mrs. And Mrs. Romney.
Charlie Crist:
Positive: Popular governor of a battleground state (Florida). His last name is almost the same as Jesus’.
Negative: Rumored to be homosexual – possibly for once dating Katherine Harris.
Bobby Jindal:
Positive: Young (37 years old) governor of Indian descent in a Southern state (Louisiana). Rising star in the Republican party.
Negative: Too much melanin in his skin cells.
If you listen to McCain or any other Republican in a leadership position speak, though, there is only one name repeated over and over in an affectionate cadence: Ronald Reagan. So, the question remains: who can be the next Reagan?
But, why stop there? Why try to find someone with the same value-system and charisma as Ronald Reagan? Why not bring back Reagan, himself? Which leads me to:
My choice for McCain’s vice-president:
Ronald Reagan as a brain-eating zombie.
Why not? Can you imagine what the debate would be like?
Moderator: Mr. Reagan, how do you feel about the health care crisis?
Reagan: BWAAAHHHH!!
Say what you want, that would definitely serve to spice up his campaign, though it would probably be the first time that a VP would have to spend his entire tenure restrained to keep him from attacking anyone nearby. And then there is also the possibility that zombie Reagan could get loose and start a global epidemic that would wipe out all of mankind.
But, that’s a small price to pay….right?
A Final Bow For Ash… February 7, 2008
Posted by Matt in humor, politics.Tags: Bruce Campbell, Mitt Romney, president, zombies
2 comments
Today Mitt “Ash” Romney stepped out of the race for president of the US, citing the need to “prepare for the zombie invasion” as his reason.
Mitt Romney vs. The Army of Darkness January 4, 2008
Posted by Matt in Uncategorized.Tags: Bruce Campbell, Mitt Romney
1 comment so far
Can’t you just see Romney saying, “Good…bad…I’m the guy with the gun.”
Thanks for the pic, Smokey.
