2012 Presidential Forum on the Undead October 12, 2011Posted by Matt in President 2012.
Tags: 2012 Republican Presidential Debate, Bruce Campbell, Herman Cain, Jon Huntsman, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, undead, zombies
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Wolf Blitzer: Welcome everyone to our inaugural 2012 Presidential Forum on the Undead. I will be your moderator for the evening.
Blitzer: Given the increased interest in zombie apocalypse scenarios and the possible ramifications an event of this nature would have on the human race, we at CNN felt as though this timely topic deserves to be discussed in public.
Blitzer: We will begin tonight’s discussion with former Godfather’s Pizza CEO, Herman Cain. Mr. Cain, in the event of a zombie apocalypse where flesh-eating undead creatures roam the earth, feeding on the living and thus spreading the zombie plague to them, what actions would you take?
Cain: Thank you, Wolf, and let me begin by saying thank you all for having this all-important discussion. Most of you have heard of the 9-9-9 plan I have put in place to repair our broken economy, but you may not be aware of the 9-9-9 plan for zombie eradication. You see, my plan works this way: 9 people with 9 bullets for 9 zombies. That simple plan is the key to human survival. With these small, roaming bands of human fighters, we will be victorious. Simplicity.
Mitt Romney: Mr. Cain, don’t you think that plan is maybe too simplistic?
Cain: What?! We need simplicity! Not your 160 page plan for reconquering the earth! Can you even tell me what’s in your plan?
Michele Bachmann (jumping in before he can answer): I don’t know why we are even concerned about a zombie apocalypse. Obviously if the dead rise, as is foretold in the book of Revelation, all of the good Christians will have already been raptured to heavenly glory. So, I say bring on the zombies!
Rick Perry: Wolf, I agree with Senator Bachmann, but, in case you are part of the unbelievers left to suffer 7 years of tribulation, I suggest you stock up on guns and Bibles and bunker down. See, I’ve got my zombie repellant right here (he pulls out a .45 and sets it on the table).
Newt Gingrich: Back in the 1990’s when I was relevant, we talked about these same issues and presented them to the American People. Perhaps you remember our Contract with America with Zombies? It’s all worked out in there.
Ron Paul: As a medical doctor, I can say with absolute certainty that there is no naturally occurring zombie plague. If this sort of outbreak takes place it has obviously been put in place by a human means, perhaps even our own government! The Federal Government is responsible! They must be stopped!
Bachmann: Pray to Jesus!
Perry: Shoot for their black, rotting eyes!
Gingrich: Hey, remember me?
Paul: Burn down Washington!
Jon Huntsman: Hold on just a minute everyone. There are no such things as zombies. There are no undead creatures. Let’s all calm down and use a little common sense.
Romney (suddenly stepping out from behind his podium, brandishing a chainsaw where his left hand should be): All of you, shut up! Have I ever told you about what I did back in the 1980’s?
The auditorium sits in rapt silence.
Romney: Did you ever see a movie called The Evil Dead, later redone as The Evil Dead 2? Or perhaps you saw the third film in the trilogy Army of Darkness? Yeah, you might have thought that those were just playful comedy-horror films, right? Well, you probably didn’t know that they were actually documentaries of me and my battle with evil spirits and the undead.
Romney: Yes, it is true. The undead do exist and I have the scars and missing limbs to prove it. People of America, if you want someone who is experienced with this epidemic, who knows how to defeat the forces of evil sent by the devil himself, you should and must look to me, Mitt Romney, zombie hunter. Groovy.
Perry: Yeah, but, but, you’re Mormon…
The Real World: 2012 Republican Edition May 24, 2011Posted by Matt in President 2012.
Tags: 2012 election, Herman Cain, Michele Bachman, Mike Huckabee, Mitch Daniels, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republican presidential candidates, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, The Real World, Tim Pawlenty
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This is the true story … of eight presidential candidates … picked to live in a house … work together and have their lives taped … to find out what happens … when people stop being polite … and start being real … The Real World.
Newt Gingrich (talking to camera): When Mike and Mitch left, well, I was, I was stunned.
Scene changes to the weekend before
Tim Pawlenty (to Mike Huckabee): Mike, man, there’s no reason to quit. We want you around.
Huckabee: No reason? I got more than 500,000 reasons a year. Just tell them Jesus told me to quit or something.
Scene changes again to Newt Gingrich with a hand on Mitch Daniels’ shoulder talking to him.
Daniels: Look, Newt, I think it’s in the best interest of my family that I drop out.
Gingrich: Family? Come on, Mitch, you can always get a new one. Heck, I do that all the time!
Scene changes back to the current day, with the six remaining candidates sitting around a large kitchen table. Newt has a stack of papers in front of him.
Gingrich: Hello everyone. With the recent loss of two of our housemates, I would like to draw your attention to what I have printed in front of me,
Newt takes one paper and passes it on to Tim Pawlenty, who is wearing a backwards Vikings hat, gold chains, and sunglasses, and is sitting slouched in his chair with his arms crossed in front of him.
Gingrich: Please take one and pass it on, Tim.
Pawlenty: It’s T-Paw, yo.
Gingrich: What the heck are you talking about?
Pawlenty: Look, dog, I ain’t goin’ by Tim no more. Now, it’s T-Paw.
Gingrich: Um, okay, T-Paw.
Soon the forms are passed around the table and Newt begins speaking again.
Gingrich: Fellow housemates, I want to draw your attention to this creation of mine, the Contract for Our House. Therein you will find several rules that will make our stay here more fulfilling and orderly. Please sign your name on the final page and we will allow this document to guide our time in this house.
Herman Cain pushes his papers back in anger and casts a venomous stare at Newt.
Cain: Do you know who I am?
Gingrich: Um, Alan Keyes?
Cain: No, dammit, I was the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza! Do you know what that makes me?
Gingrich (fidgeting uncomfortably): Uh, no.
Cain: It means I’m the Godfather! (he holds out a hand, palm down, with a large ring on it)
Gingrich (getting more uncomfortable by the second): Yeah, well…
Cain: Kiss my hand! I am the Godfather!
Mitt Romney: Let’s all calm down, now, and remember what God said to the great prophet, Joseph Smith, about our people. As it is written in the book of I Nephi 13:15 and the inheritors of America, the great land of God, it says, “And I beheld that they were white, and exceedingly fair and beautiful, like unto my people.” Sorry, Herman or Godfather or whatever you call yourself.
Cain (spitting with anger): But, but, but….
Suddenly Ron Paul stands and points an accusatory finger at the contract.
Paul: What’s with this “no drugs” stuff? I support the legalization of all drugs, marijuana, heroin, crack, meth, all of them. I don’t just support it, I insist it! (He is twitching with anger as his voice rises) This will not stand! We are for freedom! For the people and by the people and, by God, if we want to do lines of cocaine with hookers we should be able to do it!
Rick Santorum interrupts Paul and, staring daggers at Newt, he launches his own attack.
Santorum: Why, I ask, does this document have nothing in it about abortion? I demand that we outlaw all abortions in this house!
Gingrich: Well, Rick, we’re all male for one thing.
Santorum: So?! I’m sure that there’s some gay liberal plot to impregnate men and how do I know one of you isn’t carrying around a baby now? Huh? Can you prove it to me?
Suddenly the door bell rings.
Romney: Herman, would you get that for us?
Cain: What? Why should I have to get it?
Romney (with a look of feigned sympathy): You know why. Just answer the door. Thanks.
Cain grumbles aloud, but still get up and opens the door. Standing in the entryway is Sarah Palin and Michele Bachman with handfuls of teabags.
Palin: Hiya, guys! Heard you lost a couple of housemates. Think you have room for two more?
Newt looks them up and down appreciatively and quickly wrenches his wedding ring from his finger.
Gingrich: I think we may be able to find some room somewhere. Come on in ladies.
The Elephant Stomps Back – Part 3 May 20, 2009Posted by Matt in The Elephant Stomps Back.
Tags: Conservatives, Contract For America, George W. Bush, humor, issues, Michael Steele, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, politics, Republicans, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin
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Recap: Five Republican leaders have reformed the secret Conservatives Resisting All Principles group and are trying to put together a new Contract For America.
Gingrich: As we begin our quest for renewed power, we must first decide what our focus, as a party, should be. Governor Palin, we’ll begin with you.
Palin (smiling broadly): You betcha, Newty old boy. Abstinence is the key. Well, that and hunting from helicopters.
Romney: With all due respect, Governor Palin, you are a complete moron. The real focus should be on the business sector – lower taxes, lower taxes, lower taxes! And, of course, polygamy would be nice too.
Steele: Yo, yo, yo, Michael Steele in da house! Look man, we gotta get the sha-zizzle in the fun-izzle. Ya hear me?
Huckabee: Look, I never won any beauty pageants and I’m not some high-falutin’ governor from a God-forsaken state like Massachusetts and I’m not even a token black guy. No, I’m just a little ol’ Baptist preacher from Arkansas. I may not have an Ivy League education, but I do know this: When God created the world 6,000 years ago, there weren’t any science books. Do you know why? ‘Cause they’re from the devil!
Gingrich: Thank you, such, ummmm…diverse ideas. Let’s look at a few individual issues and see if we can come to some kind of consensus. How do you feel about taxes and frivolous government spending.
Romney: Well, as I have already made quite clear, I believe strongly in reducing taxes. Truthfully, I think we shouldn’t have to pay any taxes at all. Then the government will stop spending and all of our problems will be solved. Then I can retire to my heavily armed estate with my harem, you know, similar to the planet I will receive in the afterlife.
Huckabee: Look, the only “taxes” we should pay as a Christian nation is our tithe to God. Then we can use that money to build bigger churches and creation science theme parks!
Palin: Gotcha, Huck! Amen to that. Ya know, as the governor of a state with more caribou per square mile than people, I often had to make difficult decisions regarding federal money. I mean, I said “Thanks, but no thanks,” when they offered funds for that “Bridge to Nowhere” before taking the money anyway.
Gingrich (furiously jotting down notes): What about in the area of social concerns like abortion, gay rights, etc.?
Romney: I was for it before I was against it before I was for it and against it and…wait, ummm….lower taxes for all!
Palin: You know, children are God’s most precious gifts to us, so I have made it my mission to have as many as possible. I mean, I had three more of my own last week! Regarding those infected with gayness, back in Wasilla we would feed ‘em to polar bears. You know, that way they wouldn’t infect the rest of us tryin’ populate the earth.
Steele: Fo’ sho’! Ka-zeezel da gazzizzles! Holla!
Huckabee: Stone them! Every one of them! Just like it says in the divinely inspired book of Leviticus we’ll kill the witches and wizards and the disobedient and the blasphemers and those who work on the Sabbath!
Suddenly, a rumbling quake tears through the room, causing all of the people in attendance to grip the table in fear, and a gigantic screen plasma television lowers onto the wall from somewhere above. The five companions stare in surprise and with a degree of terror as the television mysteriously turns on, first revealing only loud static but soon focusing itself on a single figure sitting before them – Rush Limbaugh.
Gingrich: Oh great Rushbo! I did not realize you were going to join us. What a…ummm…surprise!
Limbaugh: You disappoint me, all of you! For you all know that I am the sole leader of the Republican party! You must all bow to me!
Huckabee then pulls out a large cross-shaped sword similar to that of Emperor Constantine centuries ago and stabs it into the screen with a loud war cry. Sparks begin to fly, flames leap from the screen and the entire thing explodes into a giant mushroom cloud atop the mountain.
Then, following the destruction of the television, the sudden disruption in signal causes an immediate increase in radio waves that zap back at Rush, directly into his headphones, causing his already overly-large head to explode with a disgusting splat!
The smoke clears and nothing is left of the secret Conservatives Resisting All Principles headquarters, nothing that is except for the paper upon which Newt Gingrich penned the new Contract for America, the ultimate manifesto of conservative values based on the input received at the abruptly-ended meeting. The paper itself is blown high into the sky where it is pulled this way and that by the shifting winds as it flies miles and miles high above the clouds before finally coming to a rest upon a piece of dusty, desert ground in Texas.
It just so happens that there is a man present in that deserted land when the paper lands. Clad in boots, complete with spurs, and an oversized cowboy hat, he is busying himself by clearing brush when the paper suddenly flutters down and lands at his booted feet. He picks it up and peers at it closely, turning it right side up and upside down, staring intently with a confused look on his face. He carries the paper over to his dirty pickup truck and digs in the glove box until his hand emerges with a prized box of crayons. Scribbling furiously, the man finally holds up the paper and smiles at the crudely drawn stickmen, one shooting the other with a crudely drawn gun.
“Heh heh heh heh…take that, Saddam.”
After folding the paper into the form of an airplane he launches it into the desert and then George W. Bush turns back to his work. So much brush to be cleared, so little time.
The Elephant Stomps Back – Part 2 May 19, 2009Posted by Matt in The Elephant Stomps Back.
Tags: Conservatives, Contract For America, humor, issues, Michael Steele, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republicans, Sarah Palin
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Gingrich: Brothers and sisters, you have been called together today in order to reform our super-secret society that is resurrected every time a Democrat is elected president, Conservatives Resisting All Principles. You are in friendly confines, so please remove your cloaks and greet your fellow conservatives.
One by one, the four guests removed their matching black cloaks, revealing their identities – Sarah Palin, Michael Steele, Mitt Romney, and Mike Huckabee. After shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries, the five figures took their seats.
Gingrich: Now, my fellow real Americans, you may remember some fifteen years ago, that terrible time when we suffered beneath the oppressive thumb of the man long thought to be the devil himself, Bill Clinton.
Everyone: Boo! Hiss!
Gingrich: By employing some evil Socialism-fueled black magic that most likely came from Muslim homosexuals, the devilish Democrats sought to control everything and turn us all into a bunch of baby-eating tree-hugging hippies!
Everyone: No! May it never be!
Gingrich: But, despite their great power and the malicious liberal media hell bent on exchanging the Bible for the New York Times, a small group of us came together and forged a partnership based on our divinely guided conservative principles. As a secret society we forged tablets of stone upon which the hand of God himself wrote the Contract for America. As one we took the country back, first in Congress and then, a few years later, in the Presidency. Times were good.
Gingrich: But today the threat we face is bigger than ever before. Again they have captured the government with the obvious goal of turning our once-great democracy for the people and by the people into an Islamo-fascist socialist communist homosexual baby-eating anti-gun overtaxed wasteland. They must be stopped!
Gingrich: So today we come together to forge another great Contract for America. As prominent members of the party, we must be the leaders that take us into tomorrow.
to be continued…
The Elephant Stomps Back – part 1 May 19, 2009Posted by Matt in The Elephant Stomps Back.
Tags: Conservatives, fiction, Newt Gingrich, Republicans, secret society
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Few have ever ventured into the hard terrain of this wilderness area. Trees overhang the narrow and hardly visible dirt path, their limbs like ghastly skeletal arms reaching for any who dare pass and the years of neglect are evident in the multitude of tall weeds covering the road like an invading army. So, nobody was present on that day to see the caravan of SUVs and Hummers tearing their way through the forest, over the rushing creek and up the steep mountain road, all the way to its towering peak.
“What has it been?” the man driving the lead Hummer thought, “15 years? And yet it is time again.”
Soon the line of vehicles approached a rock formation, one that looked strangely like a large elephant, and they came to a halt. The driver’s side door swung open on the lead Hummer, the man, whose dark cloak clouded his features, dropped to the ground and walked over to the rock formation, where he grabbed what appeared to be the stone elephant’s trunk with both hands and pulled down on it like a lever. Though it squealed a bit as if it were in need of oil, the trunk swung down fairly easily and the entire formation began to shudder, the sound of gears creaking to life for the first time in years filling the air, and the structure began to slowly move, crawling across the ground to one side and leaving a very large, gaping hole where it had once stood. The man motioned to the others to follow, climbed back into his overly large vehicle and, with a puff of black smoke from the exhaust pipe, he accelerated into the dark hole.
The dark cavern twisted round and round as the vehicles descended farther into the bowels of the earth, their headlights casting a light upon these smooth rock walls that had not been seen in many years. After some time, the path opened up into a large underground area and the Hummer pulled into what seemed to be a predetermined spot and parked. In turn, each of the trailing vehicles pulled in beside the first one, forming a long line of metal behemoths. Again the man climbed down from his truck’s lofty perch, this time being joined by his fellow travelers from the other vehicles, all standing silently with their faces hid in the darkness. He quickly reached up and pulled aside a dark curtain, revealing the first bit of color to be seen, a large metal door adorned with an American flag.
“Yes,” he murmured, “the time has come again.”
Behind the door lay the meeting room, looking exactly as the man remembered it fifteen years earlier. One wall was adorned with a painting of Jesus in military fatigues and carrying a large machine gun, another held an artistic piece mirroring the section of Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel best known as “The Creation of Adam,” except in this version Adam had been replaced by Ronald Reagan. In the center of the room sat a long conference table with five chairs situated around it.
The man stepped to the front of the room as the others fanned in around him. “Welcome!” he shouted, “to the 2009 edition of our secret society, Conservatives Resisting All Principles. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is time to take our country back!”
Pulling away his cloak, the man revealed himself – Newt Gingrich.
To be continued…