Oh Say Can You Bleed, pt.5 September 9, 2008
Posted by Matt in Oh Say Can You Bleed.Tags: action movie, Bruce Campbell, Joe Lieberman, John McCain, Mitt Romney, Osama Bin Laden, Sarah Palin, script, zombies
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Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4 of our bad action movie can be found here.
Scene 8:
The scene opens with the sound of a rumbling engine as the four companions look down the narrow street toward a warehouse at the end of it. It is an old, dilapidated building with a large garage door in front of it and several armed guards on the roof. A hastily written, sloppy sign has been hung across the front of the building from the roof that reads: COMA Terrorist Headquarters.
McCain: OK, troops. We’ve got them where we want them. Leave none alive. Take no prisoners.
The camera focuses on McCain’s face. His teeth are gritted and eyes are angry in a look of hardened resolve.
McCain: Make them pay.
He punches the pedal to the floor and, with a deafening squeal, the car jumps forward and begins rapidly accelerating toward the garage door. The men on the roof open fire with their weapons, but the bullets fall harmlessly from the vehicle’s resistant exterior. The building is getting closer and closer, a look of anger cemented on McCain’s face.
Suddenly there is an explosion and the vehicle is flipped over, skidding down the narrow street upside down all the way to the garage door where it screeches to a halt.
McCain: Akk….roadside bomb. I should have known. Is everyone alright?
Palin: Me and the baby are fine.
Lieberman: Despite being the most reviled man in American politics, I’m okay.
McCain: Fred! Fred! Are you there, Fred?
Thompson: Ho Ho! Sorry, John, I must have dozed off. I’m ready as well.
With his bare fist, McCain breaks out the nearest window and pulls himself through. The men on the roof begin firing down at him, showering the ground and the car with bullets. Reaching in, he pulls each of the others out and runs them to the indentation of the wall where the garage door is located. Though they continuously fire upon him, somehow none of the bullets even graze him. As he runs back and forth, McCain unholsters his trusted .45 and, while running, picks off a few of the combatants on the roof. They fall, screaming to the ground below. After hauling all three of his friends to the relative safety of the door, McCain reaches down and pulls the garage door open. The four of them scramble inside.
The inside of the warehouse is dark and seemingly empty. Water can be heard dripping somewhere in a corner. Far in the back, a platform can be seen.
McCain: Hello! Where are you, terrorists? McCain is here to give you some McPain!
Female voice from the back of the platform: John, I’m here! But…
McCain: Cindy? Cindy, it’s you!
Cindy: No, John! Wait!
McCain begins rushing to the platform when another voice stops him in his tracks.
Voice with strong Arab accent: Senator McCain, it is so nice of you to join us today. We’ve been expecting you.
A figure strolls to the front of the platform nearest to McCain. It laughs an evil laugh.
McCain: Bin Laden. I should have known it was you!
Bin Laden: Oh, but it’s not just me, Senator. Behold, your worst enemy!
A large screen on the wall behind him suddenly flickers to life and Barack Obama’s face appears.
Obama: So, John McCain, we meet again.
McCain: I…I…should have known. The middle name…the first name that rhymes with Osama….the fact that he lived in a predominantly Muslim country as a small child…I can’t believe I didn’t get it.
Obama: Yes, John…and now it’s too late. Finish him Bin Laden!
The screen goes blank. Bin Laden and McCain stare at each other threateningly.
Bin Laden: I’d like for you to meet a few of my friends, Senator. Say hello to you worst nightmare.
The ground shakes and the floor in front of them cracks and breaks apart. Hands reach above the shattered concrete and the horrid stench of death fills the air. Grasping at the ground, the arms begin to lift human shapes above the surface. As the dust clears, there are five additional figures standing between Bin Laden and the Americans – Slobodan Milosevic, Mao ZeDong, Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein, and Adolph Hitler, as reanimated zombies. Reaching their hands in front of them toward the companions, the undead creatures begin taking halting steps toward them, their grossly deformed faces staring blankly ahead.
Bin Laden – Yes, that’s right. Using my evil Muslim magic, I brought back these great leaders from the past to destroy you and perhaps infect you with the plague of the undead. Ha Ha Ha!
Holding up his .45, McCain takes a shot at Pol Pot, burying a bullet deep in his chest. The monster pauses for a second, let’s out an earth-shaking screech and continues to move forward with an even greater vigor.
McCain retreats turns and runs back to the others.
McCain: What do we do now?
Palin: Yes, who will save us?
Suddenly the sound of a revving chainsaw fills the air and a lone person steps forward from the darkness – Mitt Romney.
Romney: Now you all know of my alter ego, Ash.
Romney: Hail to the king, baby.
A chainsaw was now in place of one of Romney’s hand and a double-barreled shotgun was in his other. The noise of the chainsaw even made the zombies turn to look at him.
Romney: Who wants some, come on!
With surprising speed, the zombies quickly begin moving toward him. Pointing his shotgun, he unloads in Milosevic’s head, splattering goo all about and sending the body to the floor
Romney: In the head! Shoot them in the head.
Swinging around his chainsaw, Romney severs one of Mao’s arms, sending it failing to the floor along with splatters of decomposed goo. Mao’s blank face looked toward him and suddenly lunges directly onto him. Romney instinctively raises the chainsaw hand in the nick of time and Mao impales himself on the whirring blades. Still moving, despite his impalement, the undead creature continues reaching for Romney, gnashing its teeth in anger.
McCain coolly saunters up behind Mao, points his .45 to the back of the monster’s head and pulls the trigger with a deafening boom. Showering Romney with bits of skull and rotten, stinking muck.
Romney (wiping his face clean with his sleeve): Groovy!
Shifting the baby around to better accommodate her machine gun, Sarah Palin goes straight for Saddam Hussein. Pulling the trigger, she fills the body with bullets, but none to the head. Lurching forward, arms outstretched, Saddam reaches for her and the baby.
Saddam: Arrrrggghhhh….
Falling over backwards, she quickly replaces the ammo cartridge just as Saddam lunges. With her lightning-quick reflexes she raises the gun and blasts him numerous times in the head. With a thud, the unmoving body collapses on her and her young son.
Fred Thompson is fighting with Pol Pot, who shows no ill effects from taking a bullet to the chest earlier. Swinging the butt of his rifle around, Thompson catches the monster in the head, knocking it off balance for just a moment. While it staggers, he pulls the gun up to its head and unloads at point blank range. The body shudders and then hits the floor.
The last of the undead monsters, Hitler, is battling with Joe Lieberman. Lieberman raises his gun to its head and places his finger on the trigger.
Lieberman: This is for my people.
He pulls the trigger and nothing happens. Horrified and stunned, Lieberman stares wild eyed as Hitler lunges on him, sinking his jagged teeth into his arm.
Lieberman: Noooo!
He reaches into his belt and unholsters a machete which he then stabs directly into the zombies neck. A black, putrid liquid pours out onto his hand, but Lieberman holds steady, turns the knife and decapitates the monster. Pushing it from him, he stands to his feet, a look of defeat on his face. Suddenly his body is hit with convulsions – the zombie plague was taking hold.
Lieberman: Quick! Someone please give me a gun. I must end this.
Romney tosses him a revolver.
McCain: You’re a good man, Joe. I’m sorry.
Lieberman raises the gun to his own temple and pulls the trigger.
Bin Laden: Congratulations. You have defeated my undead army for now, but there will be more…oh yes, there will be more. Right now, my dark Muslim magicians are visiting Nazi cemeteries and soon zombies will destroy the world!
Romney: Not if I have anything to say about it.
Bin Laden: And who are you? Are you the good guy? Are you going to stop me?
Romney: Good. Bad. I’m the guy with the gun.
Turning around, Romney runs out the door and disappears, off to stop the zombies.
Bin Laden: Good riddance. Okay, Senator McCain, let’s settle this once and for all.
McCain: My pleasure.
Bin Laden: But not with guns, oh no. Senator, you are a man of honor and what honor is there in three against one. My fight is with you alone and the weapon of choice – samurai swords.
Reaching behind him, Bin Laden pulls two sheathed swords from the ground. He tosses one to McCain.
McCain: Let’s do it.
The two men circle each other, swords held at ready. McCain makes the first move, but his swift stroke is parried by Bin Laden. Over and over, their swords clash together as they stare at each other with unbridled hatred.
Bin Laden: You can’t defeat us, McCain. The power of evil is too strong. You will either come to our side or die.
McCain: That’s a chance I’m willing to take.
Bin Laden: But why? Why fight it? What could possibly keep you from joining us and ruling the world.
McCain: America. America, Osama. Something you can never understand.
McCain suddenly lunges at Bin Laden with a blow meant for death, but Bin Laden catches him with a blunt blow from the hilt of his own sword, knocking him onto his back on the ground. He points the sword at McCain’s neck.
Bin Laden: It is over, John. Yield to the power of Allah.
Cindy screams out, distracting Bin Laden momentarily, and McCain thrusts upward with his own sword, straight into the gut of his adversary.
McCain (with his sword up to the hilt into Bin Laden): No, you yield to all ‘o me.
Bin Laden gurgles, blood trickles from his mouth and he falls to the ground.
McCain slumps to the ground, exhausted. Sitting for a moment, the others join him on the platform.
Palin: What next, boss?
McCain picks up a colorful flyer from the floor. It reads:
Join the Communist Obama Muslim Army today!
Saturday, October 11 we will complete our evil plan to take over America.
Meet at the Statue of Liberty, New York City, for an explosive good time.
The three friends look at each other in horror.
McCain: I knew it. Next stop, my friends, New York.
To be continued…
P.S. The inspiration for Mitt Romney came from this earlier post.
