Uncovering the Conspiracy May 18, 2010Posted by Matt in humor, politics.
Tags: Barack Obama, Communism, conspiracy theories, Dale Peterson, Glenn Beck, Hezbollah, Michael Moore, Michigan, Miss America, Muslims, Rima Fakih, terrorists
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A Scene from Tonight’s Glenn Beck Show
Beck: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I have story to tell you about that will leave you terrified, frightened, scared beyond all bounds of possibility. We at the Glenn Beck Show have uncovered a sinister plot reaching the highest places in our government and to the lowest depths of depravity.
Beck (looking nervously over his shoulder with a Tourette-like motion): As most of you probably know, a new Miss America was crowned over the weekend, R-R-Rye-mah Fake-ee. (He displays a large picture of her in a bikini) Upon looking at her, you might say, ‘What a beautiful young woman!” But, then you begin to dive into her life and soon you realize things are not all they seem to be.
Beck pulls out his black board and begins writing furiously. Stepping back once he has successfully scratched out the name Rima Fakih.
Beck: So, we begin with Miss Fake-ee. She seems innocent enough, a young, beautiful girl from Michigan. (He draws a line from her name and writes Michigan above her) So, who else is from Michigan?
Beck (pausing a moment and looking expectantly in the camera): Exactly. Michael Moore. Filmmaker and filthy Communist, Michael Moore. Now, I’m not saying there has been any direct contact between Moore and Fake-ee, but it would be impossible for his influence to not rub off on her to some extent.
Beck: But that’s not the only aspect of her upbringing that should bring about some questions. Oh no, not at all! Miss Fake-ee was born in terrorist haven Lebanon and is a Shia Muslim! A Muslim! Can you believe it!
Beck (Drawing another line from her name to the words Lebanon and Shia Muslim): So, ladies and gentlemen, what do we know about Shia Muslims from Lebanon? That’s right, they are Hezbollah – a known anti-Israel terrorist organization! My fellow citizens of this great nation, Miss America is a Muslim terrorist!
Beck: A Communist Muslim, hmm? Who does that remind you of? Exactly! (he draws another line from Islam and Communism) President Barack Obama. And together, Miss Fake-ee and Obama are no doubt working with Satan himself to wage jihad on all that we Americans hold dear. Make no mistake about it, behind that beauty queen facade is a woman who wouldn’t think twice about strapping a bomb to herself and walking into your kids’ elementary school, and we all know how Obama is. Together they want to destroy our freedoms, our heritage, and our belief in Jesus Christ.
Beck Conspiracy Board
Beck (now sobbing and standing in front of an image of an American flag): Ladies and gentlemen, we, as American citizens, cannot allow this to happen. Look, I care about my country and I know you do as well. So, we must rise up and fight! Take up arms, my fellow Americans! This is not just any fight, this is a battle for our souls and the souls of our children! We must take back our country!
Beck: And, coincidentally, this is why I have decided to throw all of my support behind Dale Peterson, who is currently running for Agriculture Commissioner in Alabama. But, I believe he should be aiming even higher! Ladies and gentlemen, write, call, and email Mr. Peterson to let him know that his country needs him, we need him, and we will not settle until he is sitting in the White House!
Beck: Help me, everyone and maybe we can restore just a bit of this Christian nation’s greatness. No longer will we suffer under the Communist Islamo-Fascist tyranny. Instead, we will enter a new age of greatness, on in which blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauties will again be Miss America.