A Christmas Carol, Part 2: The Day After December 13, 2011
Posted by Matt in A Christmas Carol Part 2.Tags: A Christmas Carol, Christmas, Conservatives, ghost, politics, Republicans, Ronald Reagan, Scrooge
add a comment
Chapter 1
Marley was still dead, of that Scrooge was quite sure. For though he had born witness to the apparition of his partner only the night before, he was convinced that Marley was most certainly dead as a door-nail.
Scrooge was now a changed man, as one who is reborn, for the spirits of two nights prior, that fateful Christmas Eve, had shown him the err of his ways, putting forth visions of Christmases past, present, and future, and it all started with the visitation from his now eternally cursed and most assuredly dead associate, Marley. He was now a kinder, gentler, and infinitely more joyful man, with intentions of sharing his bountiful riches with those less fortunate, to lift up the downtrodden, to work for the ever-elusive common good of humankind. Also, there was Tiny Tim, the young son of his employee Bob Cratchit, whose plight in life he vowed to right, to use his great wealth in every way possible to ease the disabled child’s life. It was now a personal mission, one that he foresaw would be a source of great joy to the family and to himself.
All the day of Christmas he had made merry with his nephew’s family, becoming in turn the joyful patriarch, the smiling, beloved Uncle Scrooge, discovering happiness in his drear life once again, changing his countenance to one of great joy and mirth. The following day he celebrated yet again, this time with the poor Cratchit’s, bestowing upon him an increased salary and blessing the family with the largest turkey to be found. Yes, he was a new man, one now endowed with a sense of giving and festiveness, of humor and love.
It was a dark night as Scrooge made his way home from the office, his now ever-present smile permeating the foggy blackness as a beacon of hope in the mournful atmosphere. He and Bob had laughed and joked throughout the day, creating an atmosphere of joy at work as never before. It was lighthearted and even fun, two words never before uttered in the firm of Scrooge and Marley.
Before that portentous Christmas Eve, there had been nothing odd about the knocker on the door, but on that particular night it had taken the form of Marley’s ghostly face staring into the night with its dead eyes. Thus, Scrooge was a bit more cautious than he had been before as he reached for the knob, keeping his eyes focused upon the knocker on the chance that it might happen to change yet again.
And as he watched, it did change, only this time the face was no longer his tortured partner, it was another familiar visage, a face well known by all.
“Reagan?”
Then, just as it had transformed the first time, it changed back, becoming nothing more than a knocker once again. Scrooge breathed deeply in the cold night air, and then opened the door to his quarters. Lighting a candle, he glanced furtively around the room, checking every dark corner for a ghostly presence, but saw nothing.
“Perhaps,” he said to himself, “it is truly something I ate, maybe this time it was really a bit of undigested beef.” For it was true that he had been eating quite merrily these last few days as if he were making up for Christmases past.
Suddenly the great bell, the one that harkened the approach of the spirits some two nights prior, began to ring, loudly sounding in the darkness, jarring Scrooge to his senses.
“Oh, spirit, oh, Marley, must you come and visit me yet again? I am a changed man, Marley! I will keep the spirit of Christmas alive!” he wailed into the night amid the pealing bells.
The cellar door again loudly flew open, just as it had two nights prior and Scrooge listened to the footfalls slowly climbing the stairs. Then, coming through the same heavy door, the ghost appeared before him as the dying flame leapt, as if to announce the ghostly presence.
Open-mouthed, Scrooge stared ahead, “President Reagan!”
“Yes, it is I, President Ronald Reagan.”
“Why have you chosen to visit me, Mr. President? Why do you trouble me? I am a changed man! I have seen the light! I am no longer a selfish miser, set to live my days alone and without joy. Spirit, I have changed!”
“Yes, Ebenezer Scrooge,” he thundered, shaking the house with his ferocity, “That is what I have been told and that is exactly why I am here.”
“But, but, Spirit, I don’t understand.”
“Silence,” he roared, “You have strayed from the Conservative path, Ebenezer Scrooge, and I have been sent to bring you back. Tonight you will be haunted,” the ghost audibly sighed if that sort of thing is possible for an apparition, “by three candidates for President.”
“Again?”
The Spirit continued on, unperturbed, “They will give you the other, more fair and balanced side of the story. Pay attention to them Ebenezer Scrooge and they will steer you back to the path of Conservatism!”
The ghost of Reagan turned and began to walk back into the cellar, but then his head seemingly perked up and swiveled around with a dead stare upon Scrooge. “Got any jelly beans?”
“Uh, no sir, Mr. President.”
“Dang. Farewell, Ebenezer!” He passed through the door again, a cold breeze rustling through the room and then all was silent and dark, just as before.
Oh Say Can You Bleed, pt.6 September 16, 2008
Posted by Matt in Oh Say Can You Bleed.Tags: action movie, John McCain, Ronald Reagan, Sarah Palin, script
add a comment
You can read parts, 1,2,3,4, and 5 of our bad action movie here.
Scene 9:
The city of New York is bustling as it always is at sunset; the streets are filled with honking cars and pedestrians travel in large packs along the sidewalks. For miles around, citizens are unaware that anything is amiss in the city.
The camera shifts from its view of the streets on New York to the bay, where the Statue of Liberty stands magnificently against the skyline. As the camera moves in, police cars with lights flashing and military vehicles can be seen surrounding the monument, several naval vessels in the bay have their firepower trained on strategic points on the statue, and various aircraft, both jets and helicopters, are buzzing around the sky, watching for any small movement. A FOX news report with Sean Hannity can be heard in the background.
Hannity: According to reports, terrorists have taken control of the Statue of Liberty. We do not yet know of their diabolical plans, but, as soon as we find out, you, the people of New York, will be the first to know. One thing is for certain, though, we need a hero. The people of America need someone to step forward and take on the forces of evil. But, in the real world, superheroes don’t exist, so we continue to wait, wondering about the doom and destruction that is being plotted within this great monument to the freedom these terrorists hate.
But something can be seen rising above the horizon in the distance, flying above the deep ocean waters. The object is moving closer and closer and soon the mysterious flyer comes into focus – a helicopter. The large aircraft is camouflage in color with a huge American flag painted on the side and a McCain/Palin in ’08 bumper sticker on the back. All of those present, whether military, police, or civilian gawker, point to the aircraft and begin a long, loud round of spontaneous applause, whooping and yelling as the helicopter comes to a rest on the ground. Then, to the roar of the adoring crowd, two figures emerge – Sarah Palin, dressed in skin tight black leather with a large machine gun strapped to her back and pushing an extra large stroller with no fewer than four babies riding along, and John McCain, dressed in black fatigues and armed to the teeth.
Hannity: Wow, what an entrance. Could John McCain and Sarah Palin, who looks resplendent as always, be the saviors that we need?
Palin stares straight ahead, a look of hardened resolve on her face.
Palin: Let’s do this.
McCain: Give me a minute, Sarah.
McCain wanders down by the water to a spot where he can be alone.
She turns to Fred Thompson, who is standing nearby.
Palin: Where is he going? There’s no time to waste!
Thompson: Now, hold on there a minute, Ms. Palin. John always does this. He needs some time to clear his mind and speak to “The One.”
Palin: “The One?” Do you mean that he wants to pray for God’s divine hand of protection? Is he asking Jesus to guide the bullets that will send the heathen Muslims to a place of eternal torment?
Thompson: No, no, it’s someone else entirely. Someone whose greatness cannot be surpassed – Ronald Reagan, hallowed be his name.
McCain is walking along the shore, looking at the ground.
McCain: Ronnie, I just don’t know about this.
A glowing phantasm of Ronald Reagan appears, walking beside him.
Reagan: Yes, my child, but you must overcome those feelings. The force of conservatism is strong within you, John, and you must use that to your advantage. Do not fall to the wayside amidst their evil calls for peace and wealth redistribution and civil rights. Stay strong. You are our hope.
McCain: I just get so angry sometimes.
Reagan: But you must not let the anger control you, my child. Stay strong, stay vigilant, and I will be with you always. You can do this. You must do this. It is your destiny.
McCain nods silently.
Reagan: Now, go forward my conservative soldier, for narrow is the path upon which you trod. Your duty awaits, just as it did those many years ago when your country needed you and you valiantly stood up for American values against the Communist devils in Vietnam. Let ‘em have it.
McCain: Thank you, sir, I will.
The image of Reagan slowly dissipates into thin air.
McCain looks up at the Statue of Liberty, closes his eyes in deep contemplation for a moment and opens them again. He grips his gun and salutes a nearby flag flying in the wind.
McCain: John McCain reporting for duty, sir.
To Be Continued…
Let the Vice-President Sweepstakes Begin! June 4, 2008
Posted by Matt in politics, President 2008.Tags: Bobby Jindal, Charlie Crist, John McCain, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Ronald Reagan, vice president
1 comment so far
Now that the presumptive candidates have been identified in our quaintly antique two-party system, it is time for us to examine their possible running mates. There may be few jobs cushier than that of the vice president, who historically only emerges from his hole in the ground to make the rare, tie-breaking Senate vote or to take over the leadership helm in the untimely event of a president’s death. While Franklin Roosevelt once famously said that the office of vice-president, “wasn’t worth a bucket of warm pee,” it is still looked upon as an important decision by the nominees – especially in our 24-hour media world that is in desperate need of time-filling headlines. So, let’s take a look at some of the possibilities for each of the candidates:
John McCain – There are two points on which McCain has thusfar based his candidacy – his years and years and years of experience and his supposed expertise in national security. But there are two other factions of the Republican party that he must cater to, besides security: social conservatives and business people. While he certainly has the Republican presidential look (old, rich, and white), there are many that remain unconvinced in the GOP ranks. Who could he bring in to help shore up the party?
Mike Huckabee:
Positive: Likeable guy who would help McCain make inroads in the conservative Christian community
Negative: Thinks The Flintstones is a documentary.
Mitt Romney:
Positive: Business background has great appeal to the financially-minded segment of the party.
Negative: Mrs. And Mrs. And Mrs. And Mrs. Romney.
Charlie Crist:
Positive: Popular governor of a battleground state (Florida). His last name is almost the same as Jesus’.
Negative: Rumored to be homosexual – possibly for once dating Katherine Harris.
Bobby Jindal:
Positive: Young (37 years old) governor of Indian descent in a Southern state (Louisiana). Rising star in the Republican party.
Negative: Too much melanin in his skin cells.
If you listen to McCain or any other Republican in a leadership position speak, though, there is only one name repeated over and over in an affectionate cadence: Ronald Reagan. So, the question remains: who can be the next Reagan?
But, why stop there? Why try to find someone with the same value-system and charisma as Ronald Reagan? Why not bring back Reagan, himself? Which leads me to:
My choice for McCain’s vice-president:
Ronald Reagan as a brain-eating zombie.
Why not? Can you imagine what the debate would be like?
Moderator: Mr. Reagan, how do you feel about the health care crisis?
Reagan: BWAAAHHHH!!
Say what you want, that would definitely serve to spice up his campaign, though it would probably be the first time that a VP would have to spend his entire tenure restrained to keep him from attacking anyone nearby. And then there is also the possibility that zombie Reagan could get loose and start a global epidemic that would wipe out all of mankind.
But, that’s a small price to pay….right?
