Colbert, Palin, and the Word Retard February 9, 2010
Posted by Matt in politics.Tags: retard, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Stephen Colbert
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If you missed Stephen Colbert’s show last night, you need to check it out. It’s really great.
Freedom and Consequences October 15, 2009
Posted by Matt in NFL, politics.Tags: capitalism, Conservatives, free market, NFL, politics, race, Rush Limbaugh, St. Louis Rams
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As I’m sure most if not all of you have seen, one of the more dominant news stories this week has revolved around Rush Limbaugh’s attempt to become a part owner of the St. Louis Rams NFL team. After a public outcry against his inclusion, the right-wing talk show host was dropped from the group seeking to buy the team, but the story was carried through several news cycles and prompted many on either side of the fence to speak out.
Something that may surprise you about this though, is that I, as someone who is very liberal politically and is a big football fan, am actually torn by this issue.
First of all, I’m bothered by the fact that, despite the fact that we live in a capitalist nation, many think that he should not be allowed to spend his personal money on this business enterprise. My initial thought is that this just seems un-American to block a citizen’s freedom in this manner. It may be true that he has regularly shown great contempt for those whose skin color is darker than his own and that the NFL is 2/3 African-American, but should that be a deciding factor in whether or not he is allowed to spend his finances freely? I have a hard time with those who say that he should not be permitted to use his personal money as he wishes.
On the other hand, Limbaugh seems to think that words (at least his words) do not have consequences. Rather than acknowledging that a reaction to his vitriol may be leading the opposition, he seems to be blaming it all on some liberal conspiracy to squelch conservative voices. This is despite the fact that most NFL owners are decidedly conservative and left-thinking people are not calling for their ousters.
Of course, the best solution to this current situation would have been for the purchasing group to have weighed the consequences and to have never included Limbaugh in the first place, which would have avoided this circus altogether.
In the end, this matter merely gives credence to Limbaugh and his followers, who lie awake at night fearing a liberal conspiracy to raise their taxes, take away their guns and force them into gay marriages. It raises his notoriety and bolsters his audience while Rush laughs all the way to the bank.
The Elephant Stomps Back – Part 3 May 20, 2009
Posted by Matt in The Elephant Stomps Back.Tags: Conservatives, Contract For America, George W. Bush, humor, issues, Michael Steele, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, politics, Republicans, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin
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You can read parts 1 and 2 here.
Recap: Five Republican leaders have reformed the secret Conservatives Resisting All Principles group and are trying to put together a new Contract For America.
Gingrich: As we begin our quest for renewed power, we must first decide what our focus, as a party, should be. Governor Palin, we’ll begin with you.
Palin (smiling broadly): You betcha, Newty old boy. Abstinence is the key. Well, that and hunting from helicopters.
Romney: With all due respect, Governor Palin, you are a complete moron. The real focus should be on the business sector – lower taxes, lower taxes, lower taxes! And, of course, polygamy would be nice too.
Steele: Yo, yo, yo, Michael Steele in da house! Look man, we gotta get the sha-zizzle in the fun-izzle. Ya hear me?
Huckabee: Look, I never won any beauty pageants and I’m not some high-falutin’ governor from a God-forsaken state like Massachusetts and I’m not even a token black guy. No, I’m just a little ol’ Baptist preacher from Arkansas. I may not have an Ivy League education, but I do know this: When God created the world 6,000 years ago, there weren’t any science books. Do you know why? ‘Cause they’re from the devil!
Gingrich: Thank you, such, ummmm…diverse ideas. Let’s look at a few individual issues and see if we can come to some kind of consensus. How do you feel about taxes and frivolous government spending.
Romney: Well, as I have already made quite clear, I believe strongly in reducing taxes. Truthfully, I think we shouldn’t have to pay any taxes at all. Then the government will stop spending and all of our problems will be solved. Then I can retire to my heavily armed estate with my harem, you know, similar to the planet I will receive in the afterlife.
Steele: Fo’-sheezy.
Huckabee: Look, the only “taxes” we should pay as a Christian nation is our tithe to God. Then we can use that money to build bigger churches and creation science theme parks!
Palin: Gotcha, Huck! Amen to that. Ya know, as the governor of a state with more caribou per square mile than people, I often had to make difficult decisions regarding federal money. I mean, I said “Thanks, but no thanks,” when they offered funds for that “Bridge to Nowhere” before taking the money anyway.
Gingrich (furiously jotting down notes): What about in the area of social concerns like abortion, gay rights, etc.?
Romney: I was for it before I was against it before I was for it and against it and…wait, ummm….lower taxes for all!
Palin: You know, children are God’s most precious gifts to us, so I have made it my mission to have as many as possible. I mean, I had three more of my own last week! Regarding those infected with gayness, back in Wasilla we would feed ‘em to polar bears. You know, that way they wouldn’t infect the rest of us tryin’ populate the earth.
Steele: Fo’ sho’! Ka-zeezel da gazzizzles! Holla!
Huckabee: Stone them! Every one of them! Just like it says in the divinely inspired book of Leviticus we’ll kill the witches and wizards and the disobedient and the blasphemers and those who work on the Sabbath!
Suddenly, a rumbling quake tears through the room, causing all of the people in attendance to grip the table in fear, and a gigantic screen plasma television lowers onto the wall from somewhere above. The five companions stare in surprise and with a degree of terror as the television mysteriously turns on, first revealing only loud static but soon focusing itself on a single figure sitting before them – Rush Limbaugh.
Gingrich: Oh great Rushbo! I did not realize you were going to join us. What a…ummm…surprise!
Limbaugh: You disappoint me, all of you! For you all know that I am the sole leader of the Republican party! You must all bow to me!
Huckabee: Never!
Huckabee then pulls out a large cross-shaped sword similar to that of Emperor Constantine centuries ago and stabs it into the screen with a loud war cry. Sparks begin to fly, flames leap from the screen and the entire thing explodes into a giant mushroom cloud atop the mountain.
Then, following the destruction of the television, the sudden disruption in signal causes an immediate increase in radio waves that zap back at Rush, directly into his headphones, causing his already overly-large head to explode with a disgusting splat!
—–
The smoke clears and nothing is left of the secret Conservatives Resisting All Principles headquarters, nothing that is except for the paper upon which Newt Gingrich penned the new Contract for America, the ultimate manifesto of conservative values based on the input received at the abruptly-ended meeting. The paper itself is blown high into the sky where it is pulled this way and that by the shifting winds as it flies miles and miles high above the clouds before finally coming to a rest upon a piece of dusty, desert ground in Texas.
It just so happens that there is a man present in that deserted land when the paper lands. Clad in boots, complete with spurs, and an oversized cowboy hat, he is busying himself by clearing brush when the paper suddenly flutters down and lands at his booted feet. He picks it up and peers at it closely, turning it right side up and upside down, staring intently with a confused look on his face. He carries the paper over to his dirty pickup truck and digs in the glove box until his hand emerges with a prized box of crayons. Scribbling furiously, the man finally holds up the paper and smiles at the crudely drawn stickmen, one shooting the other with a crudely drawn gun.
“Heh heh heh heh…take that, Saddam.”
After folding the paper into the form of an airplane he launches it into the desert and then George W. Bush turns back to his work. So much brush to be cleared, so little time.
