The Real World: 2012 Republican Edition, Pt. 3 June 7, 2011
Posted by Matt in The Real World: Republican Edition.Tags: bad history, Herman Cain, Republican presidential candidates, Sarah Palin, The Real World, Tim Pawlenty
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This is the true story … of eight presidential candidates … picked to live in a house … work together and have their lives taped … to find out what happens … when people stop being polite … and start being real … The Real World.
Scene changes to Tim Pawlenty. He’s slouched down in a chair with his sneakered feet propped up on a table and a Vikings hat on sideways.
Pawlenty (addressing the camera): Word, dog. T-Paw in da house! Yo, I kick back in my chair / just like I don’t care. / But I’m gonna get this nomination / when I lay down my domination.
Herman Cain walks in the room holding a box of pizza. He looks at Pawlenty, sighs, and shakes his head.
Pawlenty: Yo, my brotha, what’s up? C-note is ready to lay it down!
Cain: C-note? What?
Pawlenty: You know what’s up, homie. That’s you, man.
Cain (rolling his eyes): Want some pizza, T-Paw?
Pawlenty: Sure thing, C-note. I loves me some pizza.
Cain: By the way, have you seen my teabags? They disappeared again.
Pawlenty: I don’t know fo sho, man, but I seen that Sarah Palin walkin’ ‘round wit’ some earlier.
Cain: Palin? Again? Who does she think she is? She’s not even in the race yet but she keeps on stealin’ my tea! Where is she now?
Pawlenty: Man, doo, I ain’t sure, but she headed that way.
Cain: Thanks, T-Paw. Just keep the pizza.
Cain walks down the hall to an office where he finds Sarah Palin feverishly writing in a notebook while sipping a cup of tea.
Cain: So, Sarah, how’s it going?
Palin (looking very uncomfortable): Uh, pretty good, Herman. How are you?
Cain: Where’d you get the tea?
Palin: Um…uh….um…I think I was….um…freedom? Liberty?
Cain (with an exasperated sigh): Whatever. Next time just ask me. So, what are you working on?
Palin (her face suddenly lighting up with a big, beauty pageant smile): Oh, this is my latest book project and it will be my best yet. It’s a history textbook for patriotic, America-loving students. You know, nothing like what they learn in those lamestream public schools.
Cain: Heh Heh, I hear ya. So, what are you writing about now?
Palin: I’m telling the story of how George Washington led the D-Day invasion of Normandy.
Cain: Yes, go on.
Palin: Then he chased Adolph Hitler down into his secret headquarters and fought him to the death in a swordfight.
Cain: Really? Why don’t they mention THAT in history books?
Palin: I know! And you know what the craziest thing is? During the fight Hitler tells Washington that he’s actually his father! I bet nobody saw that coming!
Cain: Wow, Sarah, your astute observations of history never cease to amaze me.
Palin: Just wait, next I’m going to write about how Ben Franklin invented the airplane, the atomic bomb, and the internet, all of which he used to personally bomb Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Cain: That’s amazing. Want some pizza?
Just then Palin’s ringtone (a gunshot followed by God Bless America) rings out.
Palin (looking perplexed): A text from Anthony Wiener? Wonder what that could be?
The scene fades as she stares open-mouthed and wide-eyed at the phone.
The Real World: 2012 Republican Edition, Pt.2 May 31, 2011
Posted by Matt in The Real World: Republican Edition.Tags: Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand, Republican presidential candidates, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, The Real World
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This is the true story … of eight presidential candidates … picked to live in a house … work together and have their lives taped … to find out what happens … when people stop being polite … and start being real … The Real World.
Ron Paul is sitting on a sofa, reading a large, leather bound book. Sarah Palin walks into the room and sits down on the other end of the table. She smiles at him, but he doesn’t acknowledge her. She scoots around on the cushion trying to get comfortable, then smiles at him again, but he still ignores her. Rolling her eyes, she finally turns to him.
Palin: Hey there, Ron, watcha readin’?
Paul looks over the top of his book, obviously annoyed.
Paul: It’s Atlas Shrugged. You know, by Ayn Rand.
Palin (with a blank look flashing across her face): Oh yeah, I love him!
Paul (reading aloud from the book): “Run for your life from any man who tells you that money is evil. That sentence is the leper’s bell of an approaching looter. So long as men live together on earth and need means to deal with one another – their only substitute, if they abandon money, is the muzzle of a gun.”
Palin: Praise Jesus! That’s one of my favorite Bible verses, too!
Paul (putting the book aside for a moment and frowning at her): That wasn’t from the Bible. It was from this book.
He holds the book up and shakes it in front of her before going back to reading.
Palin: Well, yeah, I knew that. I mean, who doesn’t know the difference between that and the Bible. Ha, come on!
Scene changes to Palin addressing the camera directly.
Palin: Of course I knew what Atlas Shrugged was! Gosh, he doesn’t have to treat me like an idiot for momentarily forgetting something! I hope he’s ready ‘cause this mama grizzly doesn’t back down. Rarrr!
The Real World: 2012 Republican Edition May 24, 2011
Posted by Matt in President 2012.Tags: 2012 election, Herman Cain, Michele Bachman, Mike Huckabee, Mitch Daniels, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republican presidential candidates, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, The Real World, Tim Pawlenty
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This is the true story … of eight presidential candidates … picked to live in a house … work together and have their lives taped … to find out what happens … when people stop being polite … and start being real … The Real World.
Newt Gingrich (talking to camera): When Mike and Mitch left, well, I was, I was stunned.
Scene changes to the weekend before
Tim Pawlenty (to Mike Huckabee): Mike, man, there’s no reason to quit. We want you around.
Huckabee: No reason? I got more than 500,000 reasons a year. Just tell them Jesus told me to quit or something.
Scene changes again to Newt Gingrich with a hand on Mitch Daniels’ shoulder talking to him.
Daniels: Look, Newt, I think it’s in the best interest of my family that I drop out.
Gingrich: Family? Come on, Mitch, you can always get a new one. Heck, I do that all the time!
Scene changes back to the current day, with the six remaining candidates sitting around a large kitchen table. Newt has a stack of papers in front of him.
Gingrich: Hello everyone. With the recent loss of two of our housemates, I would like to draw your attention to what I have printed in front of me,
Newt takes one paper and passes it on to Tim Pawlenty, who is wearing a backwards Vikings hat, gold chains, and sunglasses, and is sitting slouched in his chair with his arms crossed in front of him.
Gingrich: Please take one and pass it on, Tim.
Pawlenty: It’s T-Paw, yo.
Gingrich: What the heck are you talking about?
Pawlenty: Look, dog, I ain’t goin’ by Tim no more. Now, it’s T-Paw.
Gingrich: Um, okay, T-Paw.
Pawlenty: Word.
Soon the forms are passed around the table and Newt begins speaking again.
Gingrich: Fellow housemates, I want to draw your attention to this creation of mine, the Contract for Our House. Therein you will find several rules that will make our stay here more fulfilling and orderly. Please sign your name on the final page and we will allow this document to guide our time in this house.
Herman Cain pushes his papers back in anger and casts a venomous stare at Newt.
Cain: Do you know who I am?
Gingrich: Um, Alan Keyes?
Cain: No, dammit, I was the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza! Do you know what that makes me?
Gingrich (fidgeting uncomfortably): Uh, no.
Cain: It means I’m the Godfather! (he holds out a hand, palm down, with a large ring on it)
Gingrich (getting more uncomfortable by the second): Yeah, well…
Cain: Kiss my hand! I am the Godfather!
Mitt Romney: Let’s all calm down, now, and remember what God said to the great prophet, Joseph Smith, about our people. As it is written in the book of I Nephi 13:15 and the inheritors of America, the great land of God, it says, “And I beheld that they were white, and exceedingly fair and beautiful, like unto my people.” Sorry, Herman or Godfather or whatever you call yourself.
Cain (spitting with anger): But, but, but….
Suddenly Ron Paul stands and points an accusatory finger at the contract.
Paul: What’s with this “no drugs” stuff? I support the legalization of all drugs, marijuana, heroin, crack, meth, all of them. I don’t just support it, I insist it! (He is twitching with anger as his voice rises) This will not stand! We are for freedom! For the people and by the people and, by God, if we want to do lines of cocaine with hookers we should be able to do it!
Rick Santorum interrupts Paul and, staring daggers at Newt, he launches his own attack.
Santorum: Why, I ask, does this document have nothing in it about abortion? I demand that we outlaw all abortions in this house!
Gingrich: Well, Rick, we’re all male for one thing.
Santorum: So?! I’m sure that there’s some gay liberal plot to impregnate men and how do I know one of you isn’t carrying around a baby now? Huh? Can you prove it to me?
Suddenly the door bell rings.
Romney: Herman, would you get that for us?
Cain: What? Why should I have to get it?
Romney (with a look of feigned sympathy): You know why. Just answer the door. Thanks.
Cain grumbles aloud, but still get up and opens the door. Standing in the entryway is Sarah Palin and Michele Bachman with handfuls of teabags.
Palin: Hiya, guys! Heard you lost a couple of housemates. Think you have room for two more?
Newt looks them up and down appreciatively and quickly wrenches his wedding ring from his finger.
Gingrich: I think we may be able to find some room somewhere. Come on in ladies.
A Look Into the Future… April 15, 2010
Posted by Matt in random.Tags: future, guns, militias, Sarah Palin, taxes, tea party, wingnuts
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Dateline: April 15, 2011
This day, once the blackest on the calendar, the bane of hard-working, wage-earning Americans, is no longer one of infamy. It is not the calendar square that is most dreaded by everyone, the one that causes all to cringe and frown. No, this is now a day of great rejoicing, a holiday of liberation, for it was on this day one year ago that we shook off the oppressors who beat us into the ground and took back the helm of what is rightly ours. Yes, this is the anniversary of the Tea Party Triumph.
Despite the nonstop coverage of the mainstream media, nobody was prepared and soon the liberals were falling like dominoes beneath the sword of the Tea Party Militias. Yes, it was a great and glorious time.
Once the evils of liberalism were defeated, it was time for us to choose a leader, a task that was quite easy. Like the choosing of our nation’s first president, George Washington, the decision was quite simple – and in no time we were installing President Sarah Palin.
Upon ascending the proverbial throne, President Palin quickly struck down all income taxes. Sure, many of our roads are in disrepair and other services, like sewer and water, had to be turned over to private companies who subsequently increased rates exponentially. 911 is a thing of the past because there are no firefighters or police officers, but even if there were, there is no court system any longer. No, in Tea Party America everyone owns a gun and justice is often served on the spot, either by a bullet or a good old fashioned lynching. We no longer have to go through the laborious bureaucratic nightmare of food inspection, either. Sure, we have a lot of kids and elderly dying every year from eating bad meat, but that’s a small price to pay for freedom.
Ah yes, this is true freedom. Today, one year into the term of President Sarah Palin, we can look out upon our land with great happiness, for we have finally realized the divinely inspired dream of our illustrious founding fathers.
Yes, this is Tea Party America.
Colbert, Palin, and the Word Retard February 9, 2010
Posted by Matt in politics.Tags: retard, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Stephen Colbert
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If you missed Stephen Colbert’s show last night, you need to check it out. It’s really great.
Huck Gets Palin’ed December 8, 2009
Posted by Matt in politics.Tags: Mike Huckabee, President 2012, Sarah Palin
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According to CNN, Sarah Palin said in a radio interview that Mike Huckabee made a “horrible decision nine years ago to commute the prison sentence of the man accused of killing four police officers in Washington. She was then quick to add that, “her heart goes out,” to the former Arkansas governor.
Later in the interview she made it clear that she never pardoned or granted clemency to prisoners as the governor of Alaska, saying, “I don’t have a whole lot of mercy for the bad guys. I’m on the good guys’ side.”
Of course, this is an obvious shot at Huckabee, her main rival in vying for the support of the Christian right. By stating that she’s on the “good guys’ side,” she, in essence, saying that Huckabee is not.
Just think of it this way. If she were Southern, instead of saying “My heart goes out to him,” she would have said, “Bless his heart.”
It will be interesting to see how this shakes out over the next couple of years.
Palin in 2012? November 24, 2009
Posted by Matt in politics.Tags: 2012, Sarah Palin, Saturday Night Live
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If you haven’t seen Saturday Night Live’s 2012 video on Sarah Palin you should check it out. Keith Olbermann called it Sarahpocalypse last night and I think that was a pretty good description.
Ten for Tuesday: Revelations in Going Rogue November 17, 2009
Posted by Matt in top ten.Tags: Going Rogue, revelations, Sarah Palin, top ten
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As everyone not currently in a coma knows, Sarah Palin’s book, “Going Rogue,” is being released this week and it will surely be a bestseller and keep her in the spotlight for the near future. There has been a lot made of some of the excerpts made known to the public recently, most of which deal with either the people she likes or those she wants to throw under the bus. I will probably not get around to reading her memoir because, frankly, life’s too short and there are too many other things I would rather spend my time doing. Nevertheless, I have come up with a list of ten more revelations that will no doubt be found in the book. Feel free to add to these as you see fit.
In the book Going Rogue, Sara Palin reveals that she…
10. Once killed a rabid grizzly bear with her bare hands.
9. Still thinks Joe the Plumber is “kinda hot.”
8. Secretly wants a pet dinosaur like Adam and Eve had.
7. Encourages global warming by burning barrels of oil in her backyard so that Alaska can have a beach.
6. Likes Alaska because Santa Claus lives there.
5. Would rather pray for divine healing than go to a Communist Canadian health care system.
4. Thinks that Into the Wild guy was a wuss.
3. Wants to take on Katie Couric in a no disqualification steel cage death match.
2. Once got lost on a hunting expedition and had to sleep inside the carcass of a moose to stay warm.
1. Is forming a crime fighting duo with Carrie Prejean.
Political Hugs November 17, 2009
Posted by Matt in politics.Tags: Ahmadinejad, Charlie Crist, Chavez, George Bush, hugs, John McCain, Obama, politics, Sarah Palin
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Lately there has been quite the uproar over a photo showing Florida governor Charlie Crist embracing President Obama when he was in the state to pitch the stimulus package from earlier this year. Of course, this small gesture goes beyond a mere hug. This is no mere friendly embrace. Rather, this only proves to detractors that Crist has taken on the Communist Socialist Fascist ideals of President Obama. See the picture below:
Now this isn’t the first instance of a hug going beyond its surface meaning, signifying something deeper. The Washington lovefest always carries with it an interesting undercurrent.
First we have the “Yes, I have sold my soul” hug.
Then the, “Out of my way, old man, and watch where you put your hands” hug.
And of course there is the, “Oh, you hate America too” hug
Palin as Poetry July 29, 2009
Posted by Matt in politics.Tags: Conan O'Brian, Sarah Palin, Tonight Show, video, William Shatner
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I know I’m a little late in posting this, but man it is some funny stuff. In case you missed it, Conan had William Shatner on his show the other night to read Sarah Palin’s disjointed farewell speech as beat poetry. Seriously. Check it out.
