Pullin’ A Palin July 9, 2009Posted by Matt in random.
Tags: Pullin' a Palin, Sarah Palin, Urban Dictionary
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Pullin’ a Palin:
1) Quitting when the going gets tough; abandoning the responsibility entrusting to you by your neighbors for book advances and to make money on the lecture circuit.
2) Bizarre move that will damn ambitions for higher office.
The Elephant Stomps Back – Part 3 May 20, 2009Posted by Matt in The Elephant Stomps Back.
Tags: Conservatives, Contract For America, George W. Bush, humor, issues, Michael Steele, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, politics, Republicans, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin
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Recap: Five Republican leaders have reformed the secret Conservatives Resisting All Principles group and are trying to put together a new Contract For America.
Gingrich: As we begin our quest for renewed power, we must first decide what our focus, as a party, should be. Governor Palin, we’ll begin with you.
Palin (smiling broadly): You betcha, Newty old boy. Abstinence is the key. Well, that and hunting from helicopters.
Romney: With all due respect, Governor Palin, you are a complete moron. The real focus should be on the business sector – lower taxes, lower taxes, lower taxes! And, of course, polygamy would be nice too.
Steele: Yo, yo, yo, Michael Steele in da house! Look man, we gotta get the sha-zizzle in the fun-izzle. Ya hear me?
Huckabee: Look, I never won any beauty pageants and I’m not some high-falutin’ governor from a God-forsaken state like Massachusetts and I’m not even a token black guy. No, I’m just a little ol’ Baptist preacher from Arkansas. I may not have an Ivy League education, but I do know this: When God created the world 6,000 years ago, there weren’t any science books. Do you know why? ‘Cause they’re from the devil!
Gingrich: Thank you, such, ummmm…diverse ideas. Let’s look at a few individual issues and see if we can come to some kind of consensus. How do you feel about taxes and frivolous government spending.
Romney: Well, as I have already made quite clear, I believe strongly in reducing taxes. Truthfully, I think we shouldn’t have to pay any taxes at all. Then the government will stop spending and all of our problems will be solved. Then I can retire to my heavily armed estate with my harem, you know, similar to the planet I will receive in the afterlife.
Huckabee: Look, the only “taxes” we should pay as a Christian nation is our tithe to God. Then we can use that money to build bigger churches and creation science theme parks!
Palin: Gotcha, Huck! Amen to that. Ya know, as the governor of a state with more caribou per square mile than people, I often had to make difficult decisions regarding federal money. I mean, I said “Thanks, but no thanks,” when they offered funds for that “Bridge to Nowhere” before taking the money anyway.
Gingrich (furiously jotting down notes): What about in the area of social concerns like abortion, gay rights, etc.?
Romney: I was for it before I was against it before I was for it and against it and…wait, ummm….lower taxes for all!
Palin: You know, children are God’s most precious gifts to us, so I have made it my mission to have as many as possible. I mean, I had three more of my own last week! Regarding those infected with gayness, back in Wasilla we would feed ‘em to polar bears. You know, that way they wouldn’t infect the rest of us tryin’ populate the earth.
Steele: Fo’ sho’! Ka-zeezel da gazzizzles! Holla!
Huckabee: Stone them! Every one of them! Just like it says in the divinely inspired book of Leviticus we’ll kill the witches and wizards and the disobedient and the blasphemers and those who work on the Sabbath!
Suddenly, a rumbling quake tears through the room, causing all of the people in attendance to grip the table in fear, and a gigantic screen plasma television lowers onto the wall from somewhere above. The five companions stare in surprise and with a degree of terror as the television mysteriously turns on, first revealing only loud static but soon focusing itself on a single figure sitting before them – Rush Limbaugh.
Gingrich: Oh great Rushbo! I did not realize you were going to join us. What a…ummm…surprise!
Limbaugh: You disappoint me, all of you! For you all know that I am the sole leader of the Republican party! You must all bow to me!
Huckabee then pulls out a large cross-shaped sword similar to that of Emperor Constantine centuries ago and stabs it into the screen with a loud war cry. Sparks begin to fly, flames leap from the screen and the entire thing explodes into a giant mushroom cloud atop the mountain.
Then, following the destruction of the television, the sudden disruption in signal causes an immediate increase in radio waves that zap back at Rush, directly into his headphones, causing his already overly-large head to explode with a disgusting splat!
The smoke clears and nothing is left of the secret Conservatives Resisting All Principles headquarters, nothing that is except for the paper upon which Newt Gingrich penned the new Contract for America, the ultimate manifesto of conservative values based on the input received at the abruptly-ended meeting. The paper itself is blown high into the sky where it is pulled this way and that by the shifting winds as it flies miles and miles high above the clouds before finally coming to a rest upon a piece of dusty, desert ground in Texas.
It just so happens that there is a man present in that deserted land when the paper lands. Clad in boots, complete with spurs, and an oversized cowboy hat, he is busying himself by clearing brush when the paper suddenly flutters down and lands at his booted feet. He picks it up and peers at it closely, turning it right side up and upside down, staring intently with a confused look on his face. He carries the paper over to his dirty pickup truck and digs in the glove box until his hand emerges with a prized box of crayons. Scribbling furiously, the man finally holds up the paper and smiles at the crudely drawn stickmen, one shooting the other with a crudely drawn gun.
“Heh heh heh heh…take that, Saddam.”
After folding the paper into the form of an airplane he launches it into the desert and then George W. Bush turns back to his work. So much brush to be cleared, so little time.
The Elephant Stomps Back – Part 2 May 19, 2009Posted by Matt in The Elephant Stomps Back.
Tags: Conservatives, Contract For America, humor, issues, Michael Steele, Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republicans, Sarah Palin
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Gingrich: Brothers and sisters, you have been called together today in order to reform our super-secret society that is resurrected every time a Democrat is elected president, Conservatives Resisting All Principles. You are in friendly confines, so please remove your cloaks and greet your fellow conservatives.
One by one, the four guests removed their matching black cloaks, revealing their identities – Sarah Palin, Michael Steele, Mitt Romney, and Mike Huckabee. After shaking hands and exchanging pleasantries, the five figures took their seats.
Gingrich: Now, my fellow real Americans, you may remember some fifteen years ago, that terrible time when we suffered beneath the oppressive thumb of the man long thought to be the devil himself, Bill Clinton.
Everyone: Boo! Hiss!
Gingrich: By employing some evil Socialism-fueled black magic that most likely came from Muslim homosexuals, the devilish Democrats sought to control everything and turn us all into a bunch of baby-eating tree-hugging hippies!
Everyone: No! May it never be!
Gingrich: But, despite their great power and the malicious liberal media hell bent on exchanging the Bible for the New York Times, a small group of us came together and forged a partnership based on our divinely guided conservative principles. As a secret society we forged tablets of stone upon which the hand of God himself wrote the Contract for America. As one we took the country back, first in Congress and then, a few years later, in the Presidency. Times were good.
Gingrich: But today the threat we face is bigger than ever before. Again they have captured the government with the obvious goal of turning our once-great democracy for the people and by the people into an Islamo-fascist socialist communist homosexual baby-eating anti-gun overtaxed wasteland. They must be stopped!
Gingrich: So today we come together to forge another great Contract for America. As prominent members of the party, we must be the leaders that take us into tomorrow.
to be continued…
Naughty or Nice – Vol.2 December 15, 2008Posted by Matt in Christmas.
Tags: George Bush, politics, Rod Blagojevich, Santa, Sarah Palin
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Ho Ho Ho! Hello boys and girls, this is Santa Claus and I will be filling in for Matt today. You may remember that Matt let me write a bit last year as well and I have to say that it was the greatest gift I received. Most of you probably don’t know this, but I regularly keep up with American politics. Yes, many are the nights that Mrs. Claus and I snuggle up together and, between the nightly showings of Miracle on 34th Street and It’s a Wonderful Life, switch the channel over to C-Span while enjoying our nightly snack of milk and cookies.
I was working through the final revisions of my list and, while checking it twice, I came across several political figures that I wanted to share with you. To my great disappointment, many of the leaders are quite naughty, but as always there are some bright spots. These are some of the gifts that I have set aside for them.
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich: Naughty, naughty, naughty! Governor, for you I have a series of visits to the prison pychiatrist.
President George Bush: Your Christmas gift is one that Americans are very excited about, a One-Way ticket to Texas. Also included: permission for Texas to secede from the Union.
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin: Underneath your tree this year you will find a special gift from me, Governor, a copy of Darwin’s Origin of the Species, as well as a science dicctionary to help with those hard, multisyllabic words.
To this guy:
I give you another pair of shoes.
In Case You Missed It… October 6, 2008Posted by Matt in President 2008.
Tags: debate, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, skit, SNL
It just doesn’t get much better than Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin. Check out their take on the VP debate.
A Scene from Last Night’s VP Debate October 3, 2008Posted by Matt in President 2008.
Tags: debate, Gwen Ifill, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, vice president
Ifill: Welcome to tonight’s debate between Alaska governor Sarah Palin and Delaware Senator Joe Biden. Are you both ready?
Biden (gazing at the camera with a serious expression on his face): I am, Gwen.
Palin (With a big wink and a smile): You betcha!
Ifill: The first question will go to you, Senator Biden. Last week, as we all know, the bailout bill failed Congress. This week, a revised bill has passed the Senate and is now awaiting a vote by the House. Senator, what is the state of the economy and how do we fix it.
Biden: Well, Gwen, our economy is in shambles after eight years of failed policies by Bush and McCain….Barack Obama has submitted a four point plan….(blah, blah, blah)…and together as Americans we can save this economy.
Ifill: And what about you, governor Palin.
Palin (Looking impossibly perky and with a broad smile): Oh, hiya Gwen-oh! How ya doin’?
Ifill (unruffled as always): Very well, governor. Could you please answer the question: What is the state of the economy?
Palin: Oh, Gwen, that’s a toughie. You know, we don’t have a Wall Street in Wasilla, nope, we sure don’t. And when I strap on my snowshoes and go down to Main Street for a mooseburger, people, maybe a Joe Six-Pack or a hockey mom like myself, stop me and say, ‘Sarah,’ that’s what they call me back home, ya know, ‘what about this economy?’ So, I look ‘em straight in the eye and say, ‘It’ll get better because we’re Americans and Americans always win because Americans are winners.’
Ifill: Well, okay, do you have any specifics?
Palin: Look here, Gwen, I don’t have to answer your “gotcha” journalism! Next question.
Ifill: Well, governor, what about the war in Iraq?
Palin (with another wink and a smile): Ummmmm….now, Gwen, I know you media elites always look at what’s wrong, but I believe that we, as U.S. Americans, will win. We are the good guys, they are the bad guys and we can’t let the bad guys win because then good would lose and ummmm….did I mention that John McCain and I are mavericks?
Biden: Look, the war is an utter mess. It’s been mismanaged by Bush and McCain…(blah, blah, blah)….we have to bring our troops home now.
Palin (pretending to shoot a gun in the air with her finger): And I’m a maverick with a special needs child. And I’ve single-handedly protected our nation from Russia. Ya know, everytime they fly over I take a shot at ‘em, just to let ‘em know we’re watchin’.
Ifill: Alright, what about education? Senator Biden, what do we need to do to improve our education system in this country?
Biden: Nothing is more important than the education of our children…..(blah, blah, blah)….Bush and McCain support No Child Left Behind and it has failed….(blah, blah, blah)…we need to real reform.
Palin (with the same big smile plastered across her face): Ya know what I think? I think we need less of those numbers and letters and stuff and more practical learnin’, like moose hunting. And, I’m tellin’ ya, I would outlaw all that evolution nonsense, ‘cause real maverick hockey moms like me know the earth is only 6,000 years old.
Biden (Finally acknowledging her): What in God’s name is wrong with you?
Palin: Nothin’ Joey, I’m just bein’ a real maverick. (She again pretends to shoot guns in the air and winks at the camera).
Ifill (rolling her eyes): For our final question, Senator, what have you learned so far on the campaign trail?
Biden (shaking his head, then looking straight into the camera): Gwen, I’ve learned that the American people are worried….but they are strong….(blah, blah, blah)….and with the policies put forth by Barack Obama and I, we will restore America’s place in the world and again assert ourselves as the greatest nation that ever existed.
Ifill (audibly sighing): And you, Governor Palin?
Palin: I’m tellin’ ya, Gwen, I learned that Barack Obama is black….kinda like you…only he’s taller. You know, we don’t have any of your kind back home in Wasilla. Heck, I didn’t even know they really existed ‘til I saw one. I always thought they were just something you saw on TV, you know, like the smurfs. But smurfs aren’t real, too, are they?
Biden starts banging his head against the podium.
Ifill: Well, I think that does it for our Vice-Presidential debate. Thank you for joining us this evening.
The camera moves to Biden who has his head down on the podium, weeping.
Biden: Thirty-five years in the Senate and it comes to this!
The stage fills with kids all wearing identical shirts that read “I’m a Palin.”
Palin: Hiya kids!
Palin smiles and winks again for the camera as the program goes off the air.
Best Bets for the Debate October 2, 2008Posted by Matt in President 2008.
Tags: debate, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, vice president
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Each VP candidate’s best hope for tonight’s debate…
Joe Biden – Agrees to allow his feet to be chained to the ground to keep them from accidentally slipping into his mouth.
Sarah Palin – A wild grizzly bear charges into the forum and she wrestles it to the ground, killing it with her bare hands on national television.
More from the Campaign Trail September 25, 2008Posted by Matt in President 2008.
Tags: David Letterman, John McCain, pastor, Sarah Palin, video, witches
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I first heard about this via an email update and knew that it would be something that should be posted (even though Elrod did it first on his private blog). The other night John McCain was set to make an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman, but called it off at the last minute because of his desire to swoop into Washington Superman-like to save the economy. So Dave, with last minute replacement Keith Olbermann, have a little fun at the senator’s expense.
Meanwhile, Sarah Palin may be having some of her own pastor problems. The video below has recently surfaced in which she goes before the congregation to receive a blessing from her pastor, during which he prays for God to send her money and protect her from witchcraft….
Yeah, that’s right…witches… I don’t know about you, but I think, Sarah Palin: Witch Hunter, could make a great comic book or maybe even a television series on the Sci Fi network.
Oh Say Can You Bleed – Author’s Note September 22, 2008Posted by Matt in Oh Say Can You Bleed.
Tags: action movie, Al Gore, America, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, John McCain, Osama Bin Laden, Sarah Palin, script
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When I began this screenwriting project some three weeks ago, I had no idea that it would go on this long. As the story continued the script grew until it finally reached its end today after 15 scenes, 34 pages of text, and 12,304 words.
The whole idea came after I heard about John McCain’s running mate, former beauty queen and firearm aficionado Sarah Palin. Along with that, you have their opponent, a dark-skinned man with an Arabic-sounding name who is dogged by rumors of both Marxist and Muslim beliefs. So, that’s where it started and from there it grew into this overly-long monstrosity written mainly during my lunch breaks at work over the past three weeks that includes everything from zombies to ninjas to nuclear weapons. If you haven’t read it and my description hasn’t scared you off, start at the beginning and let me know what you think of it.
Oh Say Can You Bleed
by Matt Wisdom
Part 1: Meeting McCain
Part 2: Visiting the Wise One
Part 3: Intro of Palin
Part 4: Going to Baghdad
Part 5: The Rescue
Part 6: New York, New York
Part 7: Battling the Henchmen
Part 8: The Clintons Strike Back
Part 9: The Final Showdown
Part 10: God Bless the USA
Spielberg, I await your call.
P.S. I’m actually a big Obama supporter and I don’t believe he is a Communist Muslim
Oh Say Can You Bleed – pt.10 September 22, 2008Posted by Matt in Oh Say Can You Bleed.
Tags: action movie, Al Gore, Barack Obama, John McCain, Sarah Palin, script
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McCain climbs through the window and into the crown of the statue. Below him he can see green fields and highways stretching for miles. In the background, Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” begins playing. He settles in for a few moments and looks out over the countryside. Closing his eyes, McCain remembers.
The camera begins going through a nostalgic trip of memories.
Scenes from his time in Vietnam start playing through his mind – friends who died and villages that were napalmed. He thinks of the years spent tortured in a small Vietnamese cell and his eventual release.
He remembers coming home to his first wife….nevermind…he quickly shuns that scene to they side. Then there’s a picture of Cindy and another of him swimming in a sea of money. A smile crosses McCain’s face.
He remembers the campaigns and the years standing before the Senate. He thinks of the rolling desert of his homestate of Arizona.
And then he thinks of the flag, the stars and stripes flapping in the wind. A single tears rolls down his face.
The phantasm of Ronald Reagan again appears, joined with George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, and the three of them stand and salute him.
The song is nearing its end and, as Greenwood sings the line “And I proudly stand up,” followed by a clap, McCain stands solidly and grasps the steering wheel. The three ghostly figures behind him put their arms around each other’s shoulders and sing the chorus of the song together for the last time, “And I’m proud to be an American…”
The statue is soaring high above the city of Washington D.C. when the song reaches its last words, “God Bless the U.S.A.” and it explodes in a dazzling array of colors that somehow form and gigantic American flag that can be seen for hundreds of miles around.
People across the country suddenly stop whatever they are doing and turn to the east, see the flag lit up in the sky, and salute. Farmers in their fields and schoolchildren on playgrounds and businessmen stuck in long traffic jams stand up and pay their respects.
Sarah Palin is looking out at the huge explosion, still clad in her bikini with a shotgun strapped across her back. She suddenly hears a voice behind her that startles her out of her trance.
Male voice: Governor Palin?
Palin turns around looks out at a roomful of people that she did not realize were behind her. Karl Rove is present with his signature sinister look at black cloak. Mitt Romney, splattered with putrid, black liquid from defeated zombies, raises his chainsaw hand in salute. Fred Thompson, Mike Huckabee, and Rudy Giuliani are all kneeling before her with eyes downcast. Tim LaHaye and Pat Robertson bow in her direction. The cast of Fox News – Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Britt Hume, etc. – walk toward her and lay roses at her feet.
Suddenly, “Hail to the Chief” plays loudly throughout the room and George Bush, dressed in his flight suit and with a smirk plastered across his face, walks into the room.
Bush: Hey ya’ll. Glad you could join us. Governor Palin, I want you to know just how happy we are to have you as our future president. Hey, ya’ll out there in the librul press better not misunderestimate this here woman. She’s a dandy.
Bush then drapes a sash over her that reads Ms. President 2008.
Bush: Congratulations, Governor Palin. I now anoint you the future leader of the free world. Hehehehehehehehe.
Palin (looking overly surprised): Thank you, Mr. President. I gladly accept. Together we will eradicate all evil from the world and lead the world to a new era of peace, Pax Americana.
Suddenly a door bursts open and a harried-looking man leaps through. He attempts to run through the large gathering of men in order to get to Palin, but they close in around him, guns drawn. The camera focuses in on the man – its Al Gore.
Gore: Wait, wait, Governor Palin!
Palin (looking visibly perturbed): Yes, Al. What is it this time?
Gore: Ms. Palin, don’t you realize the environmental impact of these explosions? We’re in a global climate crisis! Just look at these cute baby polar bears.
Gore hands her a photograph of some polar bears playing in the snow.
Gore: These explosions will no doubt accelerate the warming process, leaving these poor little guys homeless. Just look at them. Do you want to make all of the baby polar bears homeless?
Palin: I eat polar bears for breakfast, Al.
Gore: But, but…wait! Think about the global consequences of your actions! Have you thought about the size of your carbon footprint? We must take action.
Palin: Whatever, Al.
Palin bends to the ground and picks up a loose flamethrower. The Republican crowd quickly moves away from Gore.
Gore: Wait, what are you doing, Ms. Palin. I only want to talk about your environmental impact.
Palin fits the flamethrower to her shoulder and expertly pulls the trigger, bathing Gore in flames.
Gore runs out of the room like a human torch, screaming for help.
Palin: Now that’s what I call global warming.
The roomful of people begin to laugh together in unison. The room fills with children of all ages who join in the laughter. The phantasms of Reagan, Washington, and Lincoln again appear, this time joined by McCain, cackling with glee. “God Bless the USA” begins playing in the background and the credits roll.