Uncovering the Conspiracy May 18, 2010Posted by Matt in humor, politics.
Tags: Barack Obama, Communism, conspiracy theories, Dale Peterson, Glenn Beck, Hezbollah, Michael Moore, Michigan, Miss America, Muslims, Rima Fakih, terrorists
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A Scene from Tonight’s Glenn Beck Show
Beck: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I have story to tell you about that will leave you terrified, frightened, scared beyond all bounds of possibility. We at the Glenn Beck Show have uncovered a sinister plot reaching the highest places in our government and to the lowest depths of depravity.
Beck (looking nervously over his shoulder with a Tourette-like motion): As most of you probably know, a new Miss America was crowned over the weekend, R-R-Rye-mah Fake-ee. (He displays a large picture of her in a bikini) Upon looking at her, you might say, ‘What a beautiful young woman!” But, then you begin to dive into her life and soon you realize things are not all they seem to be.
Beck pulls out his black board and begins writing furiously. Stepping back once he has successfully scratched out the name Rima Fakih.
Beck: So, we begin with Miss Fake-ee. She seems innocent enough, a young, beautiful girl from Michigan. (He draws a line from her name and writes Michigan above her) So, who else is from Michigan?
Beck (pausing a moment and looking expectantly in the camera): Exactly. Michael Moore. Filmmaker and filthy Communist, Michael Moore. Now, I’m not saying there has been any direct contact between Moore and Fake-ee, but it would be impossible for his influence to not rub off on her to some extent.
Beck: But that’s not the only aspect of her upbringing that should bring about some questions. Oh no, not at all! Miss Fake-ee was born in terrorist haven Lebanon and is a Shia Muslim! A Muslim! Can you believe it!
Beck (Drawing another line from her name to the words Lebanon and Shia Muslim): So, ladies and gentlemen, what do we know about Shia Muslims from Lebanon? That’s right, they are Hezbollah – a known anti-Israel terrorist organization! My fellow citizens of this great nation, Miss America is a Muslim terrorist!
Beck: A Communist Muslim, hmm? Who does that remind you of? Exactly! (he draws another line from Islam and Communism) President Barack Obama. And together, Miss Fake-ee and Obama are no doubt working with Satan himself to wage jihad on all that we Americans hold dear. Make no mistake about it, behind that beauty queen facade is a woman who wouldn’t think twice about strapping a bomb to herself and walking into your kids’ elementary school, and we all know how Obama is. Together they want to destroy our freedoms, our heritage, and our belief in Jesus Christ.
Beck Conspiracy Board
Beck (now sobbing and standing in front of an image of an American flag): Ladies and gentlemen, we, as American citizens, cannot allow this to happen. Look, I care about my country and I know you do as well. So, we must rise up and fight! Take up arms, my fellow Americans! This is not just any fight, this is a battle for our souls and the souls of our children! We must take back our country!
Beck: And, coincidentally, this is why I have decided to throw all of my support behind Dale Peterson, who is currently running for Agriculture Commissioner in Alabama. But, I believe he should be aiming even higher! Ladies and gentlemen, write, call, and email Mr. Peterson to let him know that his country needs him, we need him, and we will not settle until he is sitting in the White House!
Beck: Help me, everyone and maybe we can restore just a bit of this Christian nation’s greatness. No longer will we suffer under the Communist Islamo-Fascist tyranny. Instead, we will enter a new age of greatness, on in which blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauties will again be Miss America.
Banned in the UK May 5, 2009Posted by Matt in random.
Tags: ban, Britain, Fred Phelps, KKK, Michael Savage, Nazis, terrorists
According to an article that I read today, the British government has just published a blacklist of 16 people who have been recently banned from the country for “spreading hate.” Among those on the list:
Former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard Don Black
Neo-Nazi Eric Gliebe, chairman of the National Alliance
Islamic clerics – Abdullah Qadri Al Ahdal, Amir Siddique, Yunis Al Astal, and Safwat Hijazi
Speaker and writer Wadgy Abd El Hamied Mohamed Ghoneim
Mike Guzofsky, leader of a militant Jewish group
Russian skinheads Artur Ryno and Pavel Skachevsky
Lebanese terrorist Samir al Quntar who was just released from an Israeli prison in an exchange with Hezbollah
And two more well-known names:
Fred Phelps – leader of the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas who is best known for picketing the funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq, saying that their deaths are God’s way of punishing the US for supporting homosexuals.
Michael Savage – Far right national talk show host and author that is on the list for “seeking to provoke others to serious criminal acts and fostering hatred which might lead to inter-community violence.”
It can’t feel good to be on a list with racists, Nazis and terrorists…
Oh Say Can You Bleed – pt.4 September 9, 2008Posted by Matt in Oh Say Can You Bleed.
Tags: action movie, John McCain, Sarah Palin, screenplay, terrorists
This is the continuation of my bad action movie script for John McCain and Sarah Palin. You can read parts 1, 2, and 3 here. This installment only features one scene because I’m still working on scene 8 and its getting pretty long.
The plane touches down on the cracked and broken runway. Buildings are burning all around and bombs can be heard exploding in the distance. McCain steps out of the plane and takes a deep breath.
McCain: I love the smell of democracy in action! Just look around! No longer do the people of Iraq live in fear under a tyrannical regime.
A bomb explodes nearby, showering McCain with dust.
McCain: [cough, cough]. Let freedom ring!
His three companions, Joe Lieberman, Sarah Palin, and Fred Thompson, emerge from the plane hauling large automatic guns and strings of grenades strapped across their chests. Palin is holding a small baby in one arm. She raises her free arm toward the sky and closes her eyes.
Palin: Oh God, we thank you for being with us on this mission to save Cindy and to enact divine judgment on the Muslim devils. Lord, let us shoot straight and true and may their blood fill the streets. For we know that we in America are your chosen people and that the other nations will fall beneath our mighty sword. We love you, Jesus. Amen.
They begin moving down the street, dodging behind signs and into doorways.
McCain: That way, troops. I’ve got an idea.
McCain points ahead to a car repair shop standing next to a weapons dealer.
Quickly, the group of four divides into pairs and each enter one of the businesses. Yelling can be heard from inside and soon they all emerge with the store owners being held at gunpoint.
McCain (speaking very loud and slow): Guantanamo. Do you understand?
The scared store owners raise their hands in the air and speak in their Arabic language, begging to be let loose.
McCain: Stop it with you gibberish talk and get lost. These stores belong to America now!
Thompson and Lieberman step forward and push the men, motioning to them to leave. After a quick look at their guns, the two scared men run away for their lives.
McCain: Now, we need a vehicle to get us into the COMA headquarters. Are you ready to work?
Palin, Lieberman, and Thompson (in unison): Let’s do it!
The Battle Hymn of the Republic begins playing in the background as the four get to work. The montage of clips show them putting together and welding various pieces of metal and armor. Gun after gun are locked into place. Thompson is seen painting a large American flag on the side of the vehicle along with an angry-looking eagle. Soon they stop and four stand back, looking at their handiwork.
McCain: I think that will work.
Before them is a heavily armored Hum-V with large machine guns mounted on the sides. Sarah Palin cocks her pump shotgun with one arm (the other is holding the baby).
Palin: Let’s go kill some Muslims.
The vehicle pulls out of the garage and onto the Baghdad street, carelessly crushing street signs and traffic signals. It picks up speed as it moves down the street, heedless to the cars lined along the sides of the streets that it either bumps or scrapes along the sides of.
Two military jeeps pull onto the street and begin following, their sirens blaring as they attempt to get the Americans to pull over. The three vehicles barrel down the narrow Baghdad streets, with no attention paid to obstacles that might be in the way. The Americans crush through an abandoned cart filled with fruit, splattering much of it on their dashboard, but they continue on. Seeing a small clearing ahead, McCain grips the wheel a bit harder.
McCain: Hold on tight.
He slams on the breaks and sharply turns the wheel, causing the vehicle to spin around with tires squealing in a 180 degree turn and placing them directly in front of the oncoming jeeps.
McCain: Ready! Fire!
The two mounted machine guns raise up and begin to fire their powerful rounds, tearing through the unprotected jeep and killing the drivers, causing them to careen to the side, into the line of cars, and explode, sending pieces of metal flying all about. Soon, the entire street is a raging inferno. Nearby building fall into the flames and people run screaming from terrible burns.
McCain: Great job, guys. We taught them a little lesson in American hospitality.
The tires of the American vehicle squeal loudly on the pavement as they burst through the flames and continue down the street.
To be continued…
Oh Say Can You Bleed, pt. 3 September 5, 2008Posted by Matt in Oh Say Can You Bleed.
Tags: action movie, McCain, Muslim, Palin, terrorists
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Camera pans over an idyllic wilderness landscape. This sun is just rising over the horizon and casting its first rays upon the glistening snow. Tall mountains filled with evergreen trees cover the area, but the focus is on a clearing amongst them. Birds sing their morning songs all about and a family of moose amble across the snow. The camera focuses on an igloo perched upon the ground in the clearing. Suddenly, a phone rings, breaking up the Edenic sounds of nature.
The inside of the igloo is impossibly large compared to its outside appearance. It looks like any other normal suburban living room, decorated in drab shades of beige and filled with furniture. There is a painting on the wall of Jesus riding a dinosaur and carrying a machine gun. Children are everywhere, running to and fro, yelling and crying and playing, and, amid all of the chaos, a woman, clad in a form-fitting robe with impeccable hair and makeup and cradling two small babies in one arm, picks up the ringing phone.
McCain: Hi, is this Sarah …Sarah….ummm….
Palin: Yes, this is Sarah Palin. If this is Bill O’Reilly again, I don’t want any of your falafel.
McCain: No, no, this is former POW John McCain.
Palin: Oh, Senator McCain, what a surprise. What can I do for you?
McCain: I..umm…I…was…umm…(someone can be heard whispering in the background) wondering if you would like to be my…ummm…Vice President?
Kids are ice-skating on the hard frozen floor around Palin as she talks on the phone, playing hockey in the living room.
Palin: Just a minute.
She hands a shotgun to a child not more than five years old.
Palin: Here, go out and shoot our breakfast for us, honey.
Palin: Well, Senator, even though we’ve only met once before and you hardly know anything about me, I would be honored to take the VP slot.
A large banner proclaiming “McCain/Palin ‘08” is hung on the stage of a half-full auditorium. The crowd is very subdued and many of those attendance seem to be sleeping. Rudy Giuliani is at the podium.
Giuliani: 9/11. 9/11 9/11 9/11. Ladies and gentlemen, 9/11. 9/11. L..L..Let me introduce to you, 9/11, our t..t..t..ticket to the 9/11 White House 9/11, John McCain 9/11 and Sarah 9/11 P..P…P…Palin.
McCain emerges from behind the curtain dressed in full military regalia. He is accompanied by Sarah Palin, dressed in a flashy, low cut evening gown and wearing a sash that reads “Miss Vice-President 2008” while carrying a baby. The crowd cheers for a bit, before lapsing back into a resigned silence.
McCain: Hello, my friends. I would like to introduce you, my friends, to your next Vice President of the United States of America, Sarah Palin.
Palin raises her hand and, with a slight movement of the wrist, gives a beauty queen wave to the audience.
McCain: Sarah and I may not go back very long, I mean, she wasn’t with me during those dark days of Vietnam when my captors would torture me on a daily basis, have you every heard that story? Well, they…
Palin stomps on his foot with her stiletto heels.
McCain: Oww! Hey…ummm…where am I?
Palin: I just want to thank you, the U.S. Americans, for making this possible. And together we, as U.S. Americans, can make this world a better place for the children.
The crowd applauds and the camera flashes to Cindy McCain, sitting in the front row with an overly large smile on her face that has yet to move.
From seemingly out of nowhere, a single man, dressed in the robes of a Muslim cleric with a big COMA displayed on the front, runs into the auditorium.
Muslim Man: Allah Akbar!
Suddenly his body explodes and fills the auditorium with smoke. Bodies are flying everywhere and screams fill the air. Hundreds of masked armed men pour into the room.
Sarah Palin reaches into the front of her dress and produces an uzi which, after tucking the baby into the crook of her arm, she begins to fire at their attackers. Soon, the stage is filled with the Palin children, from teenagers to babies, all armed to teeth and firing indiscriminately.
Palin: Kids, shoot the black guys! We know they don’t belong here.
The smoke filled room fills with gunfire and falling bodies as the two sides converge on each other. Screams pierce the air as those on both sides collapse in pain.
One of the masked assailants yells something indecipherable in Arabic and several of the men converge on a screaming (yet still with that unnatural smile plastered across her face) Cindy McCain, put a gun to her head and walk her out of the room.
McCain: Noooooo!! Ciiiiinnnnddyyy!
In seconds, the masked men still standing seemingly disappear into thin air.
McCain (now prostrate on the ground): Oh, my dear Cindy! No! No! I promise we will save you.”
From the stunned crowd, Fred Thompson approaches McCain and places a hand on his shoulder.
Thompson: John, there’s something you should see.
Thompson leads McCain to the prone body of one of the men. His mask had been removed, revealing the face of an Arab man with a grimace of death. Joe Lieberman is standing beside the man’s limp form, holding the mask. He places the mask in McCain’s hand, pointing at the label. It reads, “property of COMA, Central Terrorism Base, Baghdad, Iraq.
McCain: Well, my friends. Get ready. We’re going to Iraq.
To be continued…