Ranching with Rick October 5, 2011Posted by Matt in humor, politics.
Tags: Hank Williams Jr., Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, racism, ranch, Rick Perry, ted nugent, Texas
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(Dixie plays in the background as the camera pans around the green plains. Cows and horses graze about under the bright sun.)
Rick Perry steps out in chaps and a cowboy hat, holding a revolver in one hand.
Perry: Hey y’all, I’m Rick Perry. Welcome to N*****Head Ranch. (He fires the gun into the air)
The camera begins a tour around the campgrounds.
Perry (voiceover): Here at N*****Head Ranch you’ll find all kinds of amenities to make your stay a pleasant one. Got a hankerin’ for shootin’? Come see our firing range with resident expert Ted Nugent.
Nugent stands up holding a high powered rifle and strums it like a guitar.
Nugent: Down here at N*****Head you can match your skill against the likes of me in a game of shoot the illegals.
Nugent (raising the gun and firing it off the screen): Hell yeah, I got another one! (Catch Scratch Fever blasts out in t he background)
Perry (voiceover): Or perhaps you have a need to display your artistic talents. Here at N*****Head we take great pride in our dedication to the arts. Just visit Ol’ Hank’s Art Emporium.
Hank Williams Jr. (sitting in front of an easel with a smile on his face and a bottle of Jack Daniels sitting next to him): At N*****Head ranch we have a wide variety of canvases to choose from.
Hank (unveiling a portrait of Obama on the easel): With just a little bit of paint you can make a Hitler moustache on any of them Democrats. Watch this.
He paints the small square moustache on the president and laughs out loud.
Hank: See? Don’t that beat all? And after this we can take turns spittin’ Beech Nut in his eye.
Perry (voiceover): Or maybe you’d like to visit our one-of-a-kind Michelle Bachmann information center.
Bachmann (sitting a table with a smile on her face): You wanna know what I heard? Somebody just told me that President Obama is going to allow space aliens to take over America and institute intergalactic sharia law. I know it sounds crazy, but it must be true because some guy I just met told me so. Here at N*****Head you can learn all kinds of things like that.
The camera zooms back around again to the front gate of the ranch, with the name N*****Head written in large letters across the top. Perry steps back in front of the camera.
Perry: Well, friends, it’s been nice visitin’ ya, but we’re about to have to say goodbye for now. I sure hope you’ll consider comin’ down here to see us at N*****Head.
A voice from off camera suddenly yells out: Hey, wait a minute, Rick. What do you think you’re doing?
Perry (looking stunned and unsure): Um, I uh, um
Herman Cain (stepping in front of the camera): What do you call this? N*****Head? What the hell’s wrong with you?
Perry: Hey, Herman. I um….didn’t expect you to come by.
Cain: Yeah, well I did come by! What do you have to say for yourself?
Just then Hank, Nugent, and Bachmann step out and flank either side of Perry, all of them smiling.
Perry: Herman, my man. Wanna go shooting?
BCS Predictions January 7, 2010Posted by Matt in Football.
Tags: Alabama, BCS Championship, prediction, Texas
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As I’m sure most of you are aware, tonight the BCS National Championship Game will take place between Alabama and Texas. The Crimson Tide are led by a stout defense, Heisman-winning running back Mark Ingram, and coaching mastermind Nick Saban. The Longhorns have a high-powered offense fronted by Heisman runner up quarterback Colt McCoy and former Coach of the Year Mack Brown.
Though I’m sure Texas will put up a fight, stronger defenses and running games win championships, so I’m going with ‘Bama.
Alabama 24 – Texas 16
What do you think?
2009 BCS Musings November 2, 2009Posted by Matt in Football.
Tags: Alabama, BCS Championship, Boise St., Cincinnati, FBS, Florida, Football, Iowa, NCAA, Oregon, TCU, Texas
It is hard to believe that the 2009 college football regular season is already 2/3 of the way finished, but somehow time has gotten away and the finish line is quickly approaching. The third quarter of the season is well underway, the fourth is soon to begin and the field of competitors is narrowing. At this point, there are 7 undefeated teams remaining that are still in contention for a coveted spot in the BCS Championship game. So, as a service to you, I wanted to do a bit of handicapping so that you would know what to look for in the coming weeks.
1. Florida Gators 8-0
The Gators have beaten some decent teams, including then-#4 LSU 13-3, Tennessee 23-13, and Arkansas 23-20, but their win in the previous weekend against Georgia 41-17, was their first convincing one in weeks. Urban Meyer and Tim Tebow may have righted the ship against the Bulldogs and they should be able to coast through the next four games. South Carolina and Florida State may put up a fight, but neither is on the same level as Florida. The Gators can go ahead and reserve their spot in Atlanta for the SEC Championship Game.
2. Texas 8-0
I haven’t been a big believer in the Longhorns all season, despite their victories over a good Texas Tech team (34-24) and a talented but underachieving Oklahoma (16-13). This past week’s victory, a 41-14 trouncing of then-#13 Oklahoma St, has finally proved them to be contenders in 2009. Texas has a fairly uneventful stretch ahead of them, with the greatest possibility for upset probably being a regular season-ending trip to Texas A&M. With a weak North Division opponent to meet in the conference championship game, the Longhorns are almost a sure thing for the BCS Championship game.
3. Alabama 8-0
With the lone exception of last week’s close call against an improving Tennessee squad, Alabama has been exceptional this season, having posted convincing wins against then-#7 Virginia Tech (34-24), then-#20 Ole Miss (22-3), and then-#22 South Carolina (20-6). Next week’s matchup against #9 LSU will be a nice test for the Crimson Tide and their regular season-ending trip to Auburn could also prove to be problematic. They should be set for Atlanta, but they have a tougher road ahead than the Gators.
4. Cincinnati 8-0
With only one victory against a top 25 opponent, defeating then-#21 South Florida 34-17, the Bearcats have something still to prove in order to move up in the BCS rankings. Their schedule ahead offers what could prove to be tough games against West Virginia and at #14 Pittsburgh, so convincing wins in their last 4 games could help Cincy out some, but they really need one of the top three teams to slip up.
5. Boise St. 8-0
Yes, I know that Boise beat Oregon in the season-opener, but can you think of anybody they’ve beaten since then? With perhaps the exception of Tulsa (who they only beat by a touchdown), my guess would be probably not. Their remaining schedule consists of more teams whose presence would be more appropriate in a high school championship.
6. TCU 8-0
The Horned Frogs have looked great this season in the Mountain West, a strong second-tier conference. They’ve recorded victories against Clemson (14-10) and absolutely trounced then-#16 BYU (38-7). They still have a challenge left on Nov. 14 against #17 Utah, but besides that they should coast through the remainder of their regular season. They will need a lot of help to make it to a Championship game, though.
7. Oregon 7-1
The Ducks are the only team with a loss to make my list for a good reason – they are easily the best team in the Pac-10 Conference. Their one loss to then-#14 Boise State in the season-opener looms large as the Oregon faithful think of what might have been. The Ducks absolutely destroyed two top 10 teams, then-#6 California (42-3) and last week’s rout of then-#4 USC (47-20), so they deserve some kind of consideration. #23 Arizona is probably the only challenge remaining on the schedule, so I expect them to waltz into a BCS game this postseason.
8. Iowa 9-0
I can’t help but feel bad for the Hawkeyes because it is obvious that they are the big losers in this year’s BCS sweepstakes. They have several wins against quality opponents, including then-#5 Penn State (21-10), Michigan (30-28), Wisconsin (20-10), and Arizona (27-17), but because they tend to play down to the level of their competition and rarely record any blow-outs, the AP and Coach’s polls have really shafted the Hawkeyes, despite the fact that the computer polls rank them much higher. Their Nov. 14 matchup with #15 Ohio St will be the measuring stick by which Iowa will be judged. If they win convincingly, they deserve a shot at the title, but in our current system they will most likely be left behind.
Monday Morning Quarterback 12/01/08 December 1, 2008Posted by Matt in Football.
Tags: Alabama, Arkansas Razorbacks, BCS Title Game, Florida, NCAA football, Oklahoma, Texas
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So, the college football regular season has nearly reached its end, leaving fans with either a feeling of satisfaction or anger at the seeming technological whim of the BCS computer system. As of today, there are four teams remaining with a legitimate shot at a BCS Title Game berth – sorry Utah and Boise State fans, but until you leave your high school conferences and play with the big boys, your undefeated records are near-meaningless.
Contestant number one is sure to come from the SEC, where Alabama and Florida will meet this weekend in Atlanta to engage in a fierce battle that will decide their fates.
Alabama is the lone undefeated team among the top four, having won their twelve games with a hard-nosed, defense-minded style. With the possible exception of Georgia, the Crimson Tide have somehow avoided playing the nation’s toughest teams, and Florida will no doubt be the biggest challenge they have yet faced. So, the question must be asked, will Nick Saban’s squad be up to the task presented them by the powerful Gators?
With only a one point loss to Ole Miss blemishing their record, Florida may be the most dominant team in the country. While their schedule was not much tougher than Alabama’s, their eleven wins have come by an average of over 37 points per game, including a 30 point victory over LSU, 39 points over Georgia, and 30 over in-state rival Florida State. The Gators, though, have been hampered by injuries and may be without two defensive lineman and star receiver Percy Harvin.
The big controversy is not from the south, though, it is emitting straight from America’s Heartland and the incredible teams of the Big 12.
Texas finished their season at 11-1, with only a November 1 loss to Texas Tech blemishing their record. Despite beating Oklahoma by 10 points earlier in the season and destroying in-state rival Texas A&M on Saturday, the Longhorns found themselves being leapfrogged by Oklahoma in the BCS standings, dropping them from the second spot to the third and possibly losing a national title berth, despite winning.
Oklahoma, who also finished 11-1, now has the number two ranking and is on the inside track to the BCS title game, with only 19th ranked Missouri standing in their way. Their surge in the polls is no doubt due to their impressive wins over the past two weeks – a 65-21 shellacking of then-#2 Texas Tech and a 61-41 win over in-state rival Oklahoma State on Saturday.
My prediction: Florida vs. Oklahoma in the BCS Title Game.
Who do you think will make it?
Also, I have to give some props to my home-state Razorbacks and their upset win over LSU on Saturday. Even though they finished the season a disappointing 5-7, it was good to see QB Casey Dick finish his career with a win.