The Real World: 2012 Republican Edition, Pt. 5 August 17, 2011
Posted by Matt in The Real World: Republican Edition.Tags: 2012 Presidential race, Republicans, Rick Perry, The Real World, Tim Pawlenty
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This is the true story … of eight presidential candidates … picked to live in a house … work together and have their lives taped … to find out what happens … when people stop being polite … and start being real … The Real World.
The scene opens with Tim Pawlenty walking down the stairs from the bedrooms carrying his suitcase. Some of the others are gathered around the television watching Fox News in the living room.
Pawlenty: So, guys, I guess this is it. I guess I’m leaving.
Rick Santorum (obviously annoyed, answers without looking away from the television): Ok, T-Paw. See ya.
Michele Bachmann is seated at the dinner table alone, with Happy Birthday Elvis! Balloons strung up around her and a large birthday cake in front of her. She’s looking expectantly out the window.
Pawlenty: So, um, goodbye Michele.
Bachmann (without turning around): What? Oh, uh, later Tim.
He walks outside and knocks on the door of Sarah Palin’s gargantuan bus parked in the yard.
Pawlenty: Sarah, I’m leaving. Hello, is anybody there?
Sarah Palin, wielding a large machine gun, swings the door open and looks at him with confusion.
Palin: Do I know you?
Pawlenty: Yeah, I’m Tim Pawlenty, remember? The guy from Minnesota who was running for president? I’m leaving, Sarah?
Palin: Paw-who? Never heard of you. You got to the count of three to get out of my sight before I blast you into next year.
Pawlenty: Ok, ok, I’m gone.
He gets into his nondescript, beige car and begins to pull away, pausing for just moment to wipe away a stray tear.
Pawlenty: I’m gonna miss this place.
Just as he drives off, a troop of cowboys come galloping in, situating themselves into two lines in front of the house, and then the men begin singing “Deep in the Heart of Texas.” As the song reaches its end, another figure appears horseback, trotting along the street in the setting sun. He stops in front of the house, a Bible in one hand and a pistol in the other.
Man: Hey, y’all, I’m Rick Perry. I hear you’ve got an empty room.
The Real World: 2012 Republican Edition, Pt. 4 June 13, 2011
Posted by Matt in The Real World: Republican Edition.Tags: mandates, Michele Bachman, Mitt Romney, Obama, spineless politicians, Tim Pawlenty
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This is the true story … of eight presidential candidates … picked to live in a house … work together and have their lives taped … to find out what happens … when people stop being polite … and start being real … The Real World.
The camera opens on Michele Bachman, sitting at the table yet staring off to the right.
Bachman: When Mitt presented his house chore plan I admit I was skeptical, particularly when he mandated that all housemates take equal share in the work. It sounds a bit like Obamunism, you know. So I went to Tim, umm T-Paw, to see what he thought about it.
The scene changes to earlier that day in the kitchen. Tim Pawlenty is washing dishes when Bachman comes up beside him and begins to speak.
Bachman: So, T-Paw, what do you think about Romney’s plan? Do you agree that we should take turns washing dishes, folding clothes, and cleaning bathrooms? I mean, if I have to clean up after Newt, Lord help me…
Pawlenty: Yeah, I totally agree. Down with ObamaRomunism!
Bachman: Exactly. We’ve got to fight this thing! No mandates!
Pawlenty: Absolutely.
Later that day the candidates are sitting around the table eating another meal of Godfather’s pizza, but it’s obvious that things are a bit strained. Newt Gingrich finally breaks the ice.
Gingrich: So, T-Paw, what do you think about the chore sharing plan introduced by Mitt.
Pawlenty (glancing nervously at Romney): Um, I umm…
Bachman is staring at him across the table mouthing, “ObamaRomunism.”
Everyone turns and looks at him expectedly.
Pawlenty: I umm, you know, Obama’s really an evil guy.
Gingrich: But T-Paw, what about ObamaRomunism?
Pawlenty: Umm, I don’t know about that. Obama sucks. So, how ’bout those Twins?
The Real World: 2012 Republican Edition, Pt. 3 June 7, 2011
Posted by Matt in The Real World: Republican Edition.Tags: bad history, Herman Cain, Republican presidential candidates, Sarah Palin, The Real World, Tim Pawlenty
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This is the true story … of eight presidential candidates … picked to live in a house … work together and have their lives taped … to find out what happens … when people stop being polite … and start being real … The Real World.
Scene changes to Tim Pawlenty. He’s slouched down in a chair with his sneakered feet propped up on a table and a Vikings hat on sideways.
Pawlenty (addressing the camera): Word, dog. T-Paw in da house! Yo, I kick back in my chair / just like I don’t care. / But I’m gonna get this nomination / when I lay down my domination.
Herman Cain walks in the room holding a box of pizza. He looks at Pawlenty, sighs, and shakes his head.
Pawlenty: Yo, my brotha, what’s up? C-note is ready to lay it down!
Cain: C-note? What?
Pawlenty: You know what’s up, homie. That’s you, man.
Cain (rolling his eyes): Want some pizza, T-Paw?
Pawlenty: Sure thing, C-note. I loves me some pizza.
Cain: By the way, have you seen my teabags? They disappeared again.
Pawlenty: I don’t know fo sho, man, but I seen that Sarah Palin walkin’ ‘round wit’ some earlier.
Cain: Palin? Again? Who does she think she is? She’s not even in the race yet but she keeps on stealin’ my tea! Where is she now?
Pawlenty: Man, doo, I ain’t sure, but she headed that way.
Cain: Thanks, T-Paw. Just keep the pizza.
Cain walks down the hall to an office where he finds Sarah Palin feverishly writing in a notebook while sipping a cup of tea.
Cain: So, Sarah, how’s it going?
Palin (looking very uncomfortable): Uh, pretty good, Herman. How are you?
Cain: Where’d you get the tea?
Palin: Um…uh….um…I think I was….um…freedom? Liberty?
Cain (with an exasperated sigh): Whatever. Next time just ask me. So, what are you working on?
Palin (her face suddenly lighting up with a big, beauty pageant smile): Oh, this is my latest book project and it will be my best yet. It’s a history textbook for patriotic, America-loving students. You know, nothing like what they learn in those lamestream public schools.
Cain: Heh Heh, I hear ya. So, what are you writing about now?
Palin: I’m telling the story of how George Washington led the D-Day invasion of Normandy.
Cain: Yes, go on.
Palin: Then he chased Adolph Hitler down into his secret headquarters and fought him to the death in a swordfight.
Cain: Really? Why don’t they mention THAT in history books?
Palin: I know! And you know what the craziest thing is? During the fight Hitler tells Washington that he’s actually his father! I bet nobody saw that coming!
Cain: Wow, Sarah, your astute observations of history never cease to amaze me.
Palin: Just wait, next I’m going to write about how Ben Franklin invented the airplane, the atomic bomb, and the internet, all of which he used to personally bomb Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Cain: That’s amazing. Want some pizza?
Just then Palin’s ringtone (a gunshot followed by God Bless America) rings out.
Palin (looking perplexed): A text from Anthony Wiener? Wonder what that could be?
The scene fades as she stares open-mouthed and wide-eyed at the phone.
The Real World: 2012 Republican Edition May 24, 2011
Posted by Matt in President 2012.Tags: 2012 election, Herman Cain, Michele Bachman, Mike Huckabee, Mitch Daniels, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Republican presidential candidates, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, The Real World, Tim Pawlenty
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This is the true story … of eight presidential candidates … picked to live in a house … work together and have their lives taped … to find out what happens … when people stop being polite … and start being real … The Real World.
Newt Gingrich (talking to camera): When Mike and Mitch left, well, I was, I was stunned.
Scene changes to the weekend before
Tim Pawlenty (to Mike Huckabee): Mike, man, there’s no reason to quit. We want you around.
Huckabee: No reason? I got more than 500,000 reasons a year. Just tell them Jesus told me to quit or something.
Scene changes again to Newt Gingrich with a hand on Mitch Daniels’ shoulder talking to him.
Daniels: Look, Newt, I think it’s in the best interest of my family that I drop out.
Gingrich: Family? Come on, Mitch, you can always get a new one. Heck, I do that all the time!
Scene changes back to the current day, with the six remaining candidates sitting around a large kitchen table. Newt has a stack of papers in front of him.
Gingrich: Hello everyone. With the recent loss of two of our housemates, I would like to draw your attention to what I have printed in front of me,
Newt takes one paper and passes it on to Tim Pawlenty, who is wearing a backwards Vikings hat, gold chains, and sunglasses, and is sitting slouched in his chair with his arms crossed in front of him.
Gingrich: Please take one and pass it on, Tim.
Pawlenty: It’s T-Paw, yo.
Gingrich: What the heck are you talking about?
Pawlenty: Look, dog, I ain’t goin’ by Tim no more. Now, it’s T-Paw.
Gingrich: Um, okay, T-Paw.
Pawlenty: Word.
Soon the forms are passed around the table and Newt begins speaking again.
Gingrich: Fellow housemates, I want to draw your attention to this creation of mine, the Contract for Our House. Therein you will find several rules that will make our stay here more fulfilling and orderly. Please sign your name on the final page and we will allow this document to guide our time in this house.
Herman Cain pushes his papers back in anger and casts a venomous stare at Newt.
Cain: Do you know who I am?
Gingrich: Um, Alan Keyes?
Cain: No, dammit, I was the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza! Do you know what that makes me?
Gingrich (fidgeting uncomfortably): Uh, no.
Cain: It means I’m the Godfather! (he holds out a hand, palm down, with a large ring on it)
Gingrich (getting more uncomfortable by the second): Yeah, well…
Cain: Kiss my hand! I am the Godfather!
Mitt Romney: Let’s all calm down, now, and remember what God said to the great prophet, Joseph Smith, about our people. As it is written in the book of I Nephi 13:15 and the inheritors of America, the great land of God, it says, “And I beheld that they were white, and exceedingly fair and beautiful, like unto my people.” Sorry, Herman or Godfather or whatever you call yourself.
Cain (spitting with anger): But, but, but….
Suddenly Ron Paul stands and points an accusatory finger at the contract.
Paul: What’s with this “no drugs” stuff? I support the legalization of all drugs, marijuana, heroin, crack, meth, all of them. I don’t just support it, I insist it! (He is twitching with anger as his voice rises) This will not stand! We are for freedom! For the people and by the people and, by God, if we want to do lines of cocaine with hookers we should be able to do it!
Rick Santorum interrupts Paul and, staring daggers at Newt, he launches his own attack.
Santorum: Why, I ask, does this document have nothing in it about abortion? I demand that we outlaw all abortions in this house!
Gingrich: Well, Rick, we’re all male for one thing.
Santorum: So?! I’m sure that there’s some gay liberal plot to impregnate men and how do I know one of you isn’t carrying around a baby now? Huh? Can you prove it to me?
Suddenly the door bell rings.
Romney: Herman, would you get that for us?
Cain: What? Why should I have to get it?
Romney (with a look of feigned sympathy): You know why. Just answer the door. Thanks.
Cain grumbles aloud, but still get up and opens the door. Standing in the entryway is Sarah Palin and Michele Bachman with handfuls of teabags.
Palin: Hiya, guys! Heard you lost a couple of housemates. Think you have room for two more?
Newt looks them up and down appreciatively and quickly wrenches his wedding ring from his finger.
Gingrich: I think we may be able to find some room somewhere. Come on in ladies.
