Posts of Christmas Past December 24, 2011
Posted by Matt in Christmas.Tags: bad poetry, Christmas, Communism, fiction, Nativity myth, Santa Claus, zombies
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Here at Words of Wisdom, I’ve been writing about Christmas for years. Some posts have been funny, some have been serious, some have turned controversial, some have caused involuntary eye-rolling, but whatever your reaction might be, the posts have long been a mainstay on the blog. Today I thought we could revisit a few of those posts of past times.
Given the recent undead craze, you may have heard all you ever wanted to about zombies. If not, check out “Twas the Night Before Christmas…with Zombies.”
Or, if zombies aren’t your style, here’s a poem from 2009 entitled “The Day After Christmas.”
If you want to know how to really stir things up in your conservative church, I’ll give you hint: make a case for the nativity story being a mythical account. Yeah, that won’t get you invited to Christmas dinner.
Back in 2008 I wrote a Christmas short story entitled “A Finger Between Friends.” At least I thought it was pretty funny.
Did you ever think there was something strange about Santa Claus, that maybe, perhaps, he wasn’t who we were always led to be believe? I did and back in 2007 I wrote Get Behind Me Santa!, an expose that showed his ties to the evils of Communism.
And there have been several more that weren’t quite as interesting. Merry Christmas, y’all!
2012 Presidential Forum on the Undead October 12, 2011
Posted by Matt in President 2012.Tags: 2012 Republican Presidential Debate, Bruce Campbell, Herman Cain, Jon Huntsman, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, undead, zombies
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Wolf Blitzer: Welcome everyone to our inaugural 2012 Presidential Forum on the Undead. I will be your moderator for the evening.
(Applause)
Blitzer: Given the increased interest in zombie apocalypse scenarios and the possible ramifications an event of this nature would have on the human race, we at CNN felt as though this timely topic deserves to be discussed in public.
Blitzer: We will begin tonight’s discussion with former Godfather’s Pizza CEO, Herman Cain. Mr. Cain, in the event of a zombie apocalypse where flesh-eating undead creatures roam the earth, feeding on the living and thus spreading the zombie plague to them, what actions would you take?
Cain: Thank you, Wolf, and let me begin by saying thank you all for having this all-important discussion. Most of you have heard of the 9-9-9 plan I have put in place to repair our broken economy, but you may not be aware of the 9-9-9 plan for zombie eradication. You see, my plan works this way: 9 people with 9 bullets for 9 zombies. That simple plan is the key to human survival. With these small, roaming bands of human fighters, we will be victorious. Simplicity.
Mitt Romney: Mr. Cain, don’t you think that plan is maybe too simplistic?
Cain: What?! We need simplicity! Not your 160 page plan for reconquering the earth! Can you even tell me what’s in your plan?
Michele Bachmann (jumping in before he can answer): I don’t know why we are even concerned about a zombie apocalypse. Obviously if the dead rise, as is foretold in the book of Revelation, all of the good Christians will have already been raptured to heavenly glory. So, I say bring on the zombies!
Rick Perry: Wolf, I agree with Senator Bachmann, but, in case you are part of the unbelievers left to suffer 7 years of tribulation, I suggest you stock up on guns and Bibles and bunker down. See, I’ve got my zombie repellant right here (he pulls out a .45 and sets it on the table).
Newt Gingrich: Back in the 1990’s when I was relevant, we talked about these same issues and presented them to the American People. Perhaps you remember our Contract with America with Zombies? It’s all worked out in there.
Ron Paul: As a medical doctor, I can say with absolute certainty that there is no naturally occurring zombie plague. If this sort of outbreak takes place it has obviously been put in place by a human means, perhaps even our own government! The Federal Government is responsible! They must be stopped!
Bachmann: Pray to Jesus!
Cain: 9-9-9!
Perry: Shoot for their black, rotting eyes!
Gingrich: Hey, remember me?
Paul: Burn down Washington!
Jon Huntsman: Hold on just a minute everyone. There are no such things as zombies. There are no undead creatures. Let’s all calm down and use a little common sense.
Romney (suddenly stepping out from behind his podium, brandishing a chainsaw where his left hand should be): All of you, shut up! Have I ever told you about what I did back in the 1980’s?
The auditorium sits in rapt silence.
Romney: Did you ever see a movie called The Evil Dead, later redone as The Evil Dead 2? Or perhaps you saw the third film in the trilogy Army of Darkness? Yeah, you might have thought that those were just playful comedy-horror films, right? Well, you probably didn’t know that they were actually documentaries of me and my battle with evil spirits and the undead.
Romney: Yes, it is true. The undead do exist and I have the scars and missing limbs to prove it. People of America, if you want someone who is experienced with this epidemic, who knows how to defeat the forces of evil sent by the devil himself, you should and must look to me, Mitt Romney, zombie hunter. Groovy.
Perry: Yeah, but, but, you’re Mormon…
Free Music Friday: Zombie Music October 7, 2011
Posted by Matt in free music friday.Tags: Anthrax, Fight Em Til You Can't, Worship Music, zombies
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Lately I’ve been reading Sound of the Beast, a history of heavy metal music, so my thoughts have been on that music genre and I’ve found myself revisiting much of the loud, headbanging music of the past. One of these bands is Anthrax and I decided today to check out their latest work, Worship Music, on Spotify. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that one of their new songs is about fighting off a zombie uprising. Awesome. If this doesn’t end up in season 2 of The Walking Dead it will be a travesty.
Twas the Night Before Christmas…with Zombies December 2, 2010
Posted by Matt in Christmas, poetry.Tags: poetry, Twas the Night Before Christmas, zombie Santa, zombies
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Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
The children they slept, without thought of danger
Making a silent night, like Christ in the manger
Lying down by my wife, in warm pajamas in bed
I fluffed my soft pillow and lay down my head
When all of a sudden, I heard a loud crash
I jumped from my slumber, as quick as a flash
The red of the blood on the new-fallen snow
Made me shake with dread, and yell out a great “No!”
My eyes wide with fright, had just seen quite clear
A miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer
The little old driver was certainly dead,
For hanging to one side was half of his head
In his dead hands, he still held the reins,
But the only word that he would say was, “Brains!”
The reindeer were also too far beyond aid
Their teeth gnashing in an unholy parade
They landed on the roof with a crash quite sick
And I knew I would soon face zombie St. Nick.
I reached out and grabbed the poker for the fire
Just in time as dead Santa fell into the pyre
Taken back for a moment, I shook with fear
For Kris Kringle was missing an eye and an ear.
Blood stained the fur that trimmed his red suit
It ran all the way down into his black boot.
I lunged with the poker, right into his belly
His exposed brains shook like a bowl full of jelly
But he did not slow down, not even a pause
With a jerk he lunged at me, that old Santa Claus!
I slipped to the floor falling onto my back
And in a mere moment the dead elf did attack
I tried to fight, to call on God like a preacher
He merely bared his teeth, that unearthly creature
I heard him exclaim, as he bit my arm so raw
He didn’t say “Merry Christmas,” he only said “Bwaahhh!”
Zombie Survival 101 July 26, 2010
Posted by Matt in random.Tags: apocalypse, Max Brooks, survival tips, zombies
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We all know it is coming. Deep within the wells of our souls we feel it, the gnawing fear, the dread of a grisly, unavoidable demise. What is it that haunts our days and tortures our dreams, that infects our lives with doom like a deadly disease?
Zombies.
Yes, we all know the zombie apocalypse is coming. The signs are clear, the end is near.
So, what is a poor mortal to do against an army of the undead? How will we perchance survive the wholesale carnage of a zombie plague?
Author Max Brooks has written extensively on the subject, both in The Zombie Survival Guide and in World War Z, and through his research he has uncovered several quick tips to make it through the upcoming holocaust.
- While a shotgun blast to the head is the quickest and easiest method of killing a zombie, we know that there are those who do not own firearms. If that is the case, Brooks answers, “Blades don’t need reloading,” and a sharp implement is, “a weapon you can train with, something that looks remotely legal.”
- While blades and guns are the best weapons of choice, baseball bats are not. In order to destroy a zombie you must destroy the brain and that would naturally take a lot of hits with a blunt object.
- Beware of the fact that decapitated zombie heads can still bite and transmit the virus. Thus, it is a good idea to wear good, protective shoes.
- Other important things to remember are to keep tight-fitting clothes handy (harder for a zombie to grab), cut your hair short (no dreads), and to have footwear that is well broken in to prevent blisters.
Stay Vigilant!
Headline of the Day May 6, 2010
Posted by Matt in headlines.Tags: Channel 3, doctors, Memphis, zombies
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From one of our local Memphis news shows:
Doctors Turning People Into Zombies
You’ve been warned.
When Memphis Stood Still April 6, 2010
Posted by Matt in random.Tags: apocalypse, crazy thoughts, Memphis, rapture, zombies
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When I walked into my office building this morning, things seemed a bit quieter than usual. I made my way up the dimly lit, deserted staircase to the third floor and walked down a short hallway to the corner where my cubicle resides. Though I was not paying close attention at first, it soon became quite apparent that something was different. My office sits in a group of four and the three coworkers always arrive at work before I do. Today, though, their cubes were dark and untouched, with computer screens lying dormant like the hollow faces of the dead.
I sat in my chair and began to ponder over this strange occurrence. Something was obviously different in my normally bustling workplace. My first thought was that there must be a meeting – probably something I’m supposed to be at – that I forgot about. I fired up my laptop and waited several minutes for the overtaxed machine to become usable. Clicking on Outlook I sat patiently, waiting for my email and today’s schedule to appear so that I could find out whether or not I was being a negligent employee. But, after a few moments of loading, an error appeared on the screen – the network was down.
How strange. My wing of the building was nearly deserted and the network was down. What an odd coincidence.
Soon my mind was running wild. Did I miss something? Are they plotting against me? No, no, I said to myself, that’s definitely not it.
Was there an accident somewhere on the major thoroughfares in Memphis?
Maybe, but that wouldn’t explain the network problems.
Is today a holiday?
I checked my calendar, but alas, April 6 is not – at least not here.
Hmmm….this was becoming more and more puzzling. Where could they be? With all logical choices out the window, my mind turned a bit more frantic.
Was it the Rapture? Am I left behind with only Kirk Cameron to save me?
No, I know these people. I’m pretty sure that’s not it.
Zombies! My eyes grew wide for a moment. Could this be the zombie plague? Maybe they got all my coworkers. Maybe if I was in downtown Memphis it would look like that opening scene of I Am Legend! I don’t even own a gun!
All of a sudden my phone rang. It was my boss from the next hall over.
“Hello,” I answered apprehensively.
“Hey, Matt. Don’t forget that ____ and ____ (my coworkers) are at a training today. You’ll be working alone. Oh, and the network’s down, but it should be back up in another hour or so.”
Whew…apocalypse averted.
Random Five: Zombies! October 1, 2009
Posted by Matt in Random Five.Tags: 28 Days Later, Cell, Dawn of the Dead, movies, Night of the Living Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland, zombies
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I’m normally not a big horror movie kind of guy, but there is something I find quite appealing about zombies. I do not know if this fascination has to do with easily placed metaphors of society or bloody shotgun blasts to the head, but for whatever reason I like good zombie entertainment. The key word here is “good,” by the way, because there are plenty of terrible pieces of zombie entertainment.
So, I am excited about seeing the latest the latest entry in the canon of the undead, Zombieland, which lurches into theaters this weekend. Most likely I will wait until it is on my Netflix queue before I see it, but, make no mistake about it, I will watch it.
But I digress, today’s random five deals with good pieces of zombie entertainment. Let me know what you think should be on the list.
5. Cell, by Stephen King
I’m not a huge King reader, but his novel Cell is one of the better of his in recent years that I have actually read. The book has to do with a mysterious signal sent over the global cell phone network that turns people into zombies. As you might guess, it is really cool.
4. 28 Days Later
This film deals with a “rage” virus that is transferred from animals to humans and soon spreads around the world, turning people into violent zombies. The main character in the film awakens from a coma to be greeted by an eerily empty London and soon finds himself joined with other survivors who have escaped the virus. It’s a very cool piece of apocalyptic cinema.
3. Shaun of the Dead
Who knew that zombies and comedy could go so well together? This film, directed by Edgar Wright and starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, proves that they are a perfect match.
2. Dawn of the Dead
George Romero’s second zombie film takes a different track than the first, which was released some 10 years prior. In this chapter the survivors hole up in a mall and fight off the zombie hordes. The film deals with themes that have been discussed many times over – consumerism, corporate America, etc. – and it is considered a classic of the genre.
1. Night of the Living Dead
Romero’s first zombie film is probably the spookiest one on the list. It is a low budget affair from 1968, whose black-and-white cinematography adds to the malevolent atmosphere. It is often considered a subversive piece of late 60’s culture, but, besides that, it is just a cool movie.
Thoughts? What should I have included?
Oh Say Can You Bleed, pt.5 September 9, 2008
Posted by Matt in Oh Say Can You Bleed.Tags: action movie, Bruce Campbell, Joe Lieberman, John McCain, Mitt Romney, Osama Bin Laden, Sarah Palin, script, zombies
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Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4 of our bad action movie can be found here.
Scene 8:
The scene opens with the sound of a rumbling engine as the four companions look down the narrow street toward a warehouse at the end of it. It is an old, dilapidated building with a large garage door in front of it and several armed guards on the roof. A hastily written, sloppy sign has been hung across the front of the building from the roof that reads: COMA Terrorist Headquarters.
McCain: OK, troops. We’ve got them where we want them. Leave none alive. Take no prisoners.
The camera focuses on McCain’s face. His teeth are gritted and eyes are angry in a look of hardened resolve.
McCain: Make them pay.
He punches the pedal to the floor and, with a deafening squeal, the car jumps forward and begins rapidly accelerating toward the garage door. The men on the roof open fire with their weapons, but the bullets fall harmlessly from the vehicle’s resistant exterior. The building is getting closer and closer, a look of anger cemented on McCain’s face.
Suddenly there is an explosion and the vehicle is flipped over, skidding down the narrow street upside down all the way to the garage door where it screeches to a halt.
McCain: Akk….roadside bomb. I should have known. Is everyone alright?
Palin: Me and the baby are fine.
Lieberman: Despite being the most reviled man in American politics, I’m okay.
McCain: Fred! Fred! Are you there, Fred?
Thompson: Ho Ho! Sorry, John, I must have dozed off. I’m ready as well.
With his bare fist, McCain breaks out the nearest window and pulls himself through. The men on the roof begin firing down at him, showering the ground and the car with bullets. Reaching in, he pulls each of the others out and runs them to the indentation of the wall where the garage door is located. Though they continuously fire upon him, somehow none of the bullets even graze him. As he runs back and forth, McCain unholsters his trusted .45 and, while running, picks off a few of the combatants on the roof. They fall, screaming to the ground below. After hauling all three of his friends to the relative safety of the door, McCain reaches down and pulls the garage door open. The four of them scramble inside.
The inside of the warehouse is dark and seemingly empty. Water can be heard dripping somewhere in a corner. Far in the back, a platform can be seen.
McCain: Hello! Where are you, terrorists? McCain is here to give you some McPain!
Female voice from the back of the platform: John, I’m here! But…
McCain: Cindy? Cindy, it’s you!
Cindy: No, John! Wait!
McCain begins rushing to the platform when another voice stops him in his tracks.
Voice with strong Arab accent: Senator McCain, it is so nice of you to join us today. We’ve been expecting you.
A figure strolls to the front of the platform nearest to McCain. It laughs an evil laugh.
McCain: Bin Laden. I should have known it was you!
Bin Laden: Oh, but it’s not just me, Senator. Behold, your worst enemy!
A large screen on the wall behind him suddenly flickers to life and Barack Obama’s face appears.
Obama: So, John McCain, we meet again.
McCain: I…I…should have known. The middle name…the first name that rhymes with Osama….the fact that he lived in a predominantly Muslim country as a small child…I can’t believe I didn’t get it.
Obama: Yes, John…and now it’s too late. Finish him Bin Laden!
The screen goes blank. Bin Laden and McCain stare at each other threateningly.
Bin Laden: I’d like for you to meet a few of my friends, Senator. Say hello to you worst nightmare.
The ground shakes and the floor in front of them cracks and breaks apart. Hands reach above the shattered concrete and the horrid stench of death fills the air. Grasping at the ground, the arms begin to lift human shapes above the surface. As the dust clears, there are five additional figures standing between Bin Laden and the Americans – Slobodan Milosevic, Mao ZeDong, Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein, and Adolph Hitler, as reanimated zombies. Reaching their hands in front of them toward the companions, the undead creatures begin taking halting steps toward them, their grossly deformed faces staring blankly ahead.
Bin Laden – Yes, that’s right. Using my evil Muslim magic, I brought back these great leaders from the past to destroy you and perhaps infect you with the plague of the undead. Ha Ha Ha!
Holding up his .45, McCain takes a shot at Pol Pot, burying a bullet deep in his chest. The monster pauses for a second, let’s out an earth-shaking screech and continues to move forward with an even greater vigor.
McCain retreats turns and runs back to the others.
McCain: What do we do now?
Palin: Yes, who will save us?
Suddenly the sound of a revving chainsaw fills the air and a lone person steps forward from the darkness – Mitt Romney.
Romney: Now you all know of my alter ego, Ash.
Romney: Hail to the king, baby.
A chainsaw was now in place of one of Romney’s hand and a double-barreled shotgun was in his other. The noise of the chainsaw even made the zombies turn to look at him.
Romney: Who wants some, come on!
With surprising speed, the zombies quickly begin moving toward him. Pointing his shotgun, he unloads in Milosevic’s head, splattering goo all about and sending the body to the floor
Romney: In the head! Shoot them in the head.
Swinging around his chainsaw, Romney severs one of Mao’s arms, sending it failing to the floor along with splatters of decomposed goo. Mao’s blank face looked toward him and suddenly lunges directly onto him. Romney instinctively raises the chainsaw hand in the nick of time and Mao impales himself on the whirring blades. Still moving, despite his impalement, the undead creature continues reaching for Romney, gnashing its teeth in anger.
McCain coolly saunters up behind Mao, points his .45 to the back of the monster’s head and pulls the trigger with a deafening boom. Showering Romney with bits of skull and rotten, stinking muck.
Romney (wiping his face clean with his sleeve): Groovy!
Shifting the baby around to better accommodate her machine gun, Sarah Palin goes straight for Saddam Hussein. Pulling the trigger, she fills the body with bullets, but none to the head. Lurching forward, arms outstretched, Saddam reaches for her and the baby.
Saddam: Arrrrggghhhh….
Falling over backwards, she quickly replaces the ammo cartridge just as Saddam lunges. With her lightning-quick reflexes she raises the gun and blasts him numerous times in the head. With a thud, the unmoving body collapses on her and her young son.
Fred Thompson is fighting with Pol Pot, who shows no ill effects from taking a bullet to the chest earlier. Swinging the butt of his rifle around, Thompson catches the monster in the head, knocking it off balance for just a moment. While it staggers, he pulls the gun up to its head and unloads at point blank range. The body shudders and then hits the floor.
The last of the undead monsters, Hitler, is battling with Joe Lieberman. Lieberman raises his gun to its head and places his finger on the trigger.
Lieberman: This is for my people.
He pulls the trigger and nothing happens. Horrified and stunned, Lieberman stares wild eyed as Hitler lunges on him, sinking his jagged teeth into his arm.
Lieberman: Noooo!
He reaches into his belt and unholsters a machete which he then stabs directly into the zombies neck. A black, putrid liquid pours out onto his hand, but Lieberman holds steady, turns the knife and decapitates the monster. Pushing it from him, he stands to his feet, a look of defeat on his face. Suddenly his body is hit with convulsions – the zombie plague was taking hold.
Lieberman: Quick! Someone please give me a gun. I must end this.
Romney tosses him a revolver.
McCain: You’re a good man, Joe. I’m sorry.
Lieberman raises the gun to his own temple and pulls the trigger.
Bin Laden: Congratulations. You have defeated my undead army for now, but there will be more…oh yes, there will be more. Right now, my dark Muslim magicians are visiting Nazi cemeteries and soon zombies will destroy the world!
Romney: Not if I have anything to say about it.
Bin Laden: And who are you? Are you the good guy? Are you going to stop me?
Romney: Good. Bad. I’m the guy with the gun.
Turning around, Romney runs out the door and disappears, off to stop the zombies.
Bin Laden: Good riddance. Okay, Senator McCain, let’s settle this once and for all.
McCain: My pleasure.
Bin Laden: But not with guns, oh no. Senator, you are a man of honor and what honor is there in three against one. My fight is with you alone and the weapon of choice – samurai swords.
Reaching behind him, Bin Laden pulls two sheathed swords from the ground. He tosses one to McCain.
McCain: Let’s do it.
The two men circle each other, swords held at ready. McCain makes the first move, but his swift stroke is parried by Bin Laden. Over and over, their swords clash together as they stare at each other with unbridled hatred.
Bin Laden: You can’t defeat us, McCain. The power of evil is too strong. You will either come to our side or die.
McCain: That’s a chance I’m willing to take.
Bin Laden: But why? Why fight it? What could possibly keep you from joining us and ruling the world.
McCain: America. America, Osama. Something you can never understand.
McCain suddenly lunges at Bin Laden with a blow meant for death, but Bin Laden catches him with a blunt blow from the hilt of his own sword, knocking him onto his back on the ground. He points the sword at McCain’s neck.
Bin Laden: It is over, John. Yield to the power of Allah.
Cindy screams out, distracting Bin Laden momentarily, and McCain thrusts upward with his own sword, straight into the gut of his adversary.
McCain (with his sword up to the hilt into Bin Laden): No, you yield to all ‘o me.
Bin Laden gurgles, blood trickles from his mouth and he falls to the ground.
McCain slumps to the ground, exhausted. Sitting for a moment, the others join him on the platform.
Palin: What next, boss?
McCain picks up a colorful flyer from the floor. It reads:
Join the Communist Obama Muslim Army today!
Saturday, October 11 we will complete our evil plan to take over America.
Meet at the Statue of Liberty, New York City, for an explosive good time.
The three friends look at each other in horror.
McCain: I knew it. Next stop, my friends, New York.
To be continued…
P.S. The inspiration for Mitt Romney came from this earlier post.
